Star Wars

I was telling the Husband about my latest genius idea to make money, which is geared toward Star Wars fans.

Husband: You know, Star Wars is just Star Trek for people who get laid, right?

Yard work

Husband: I'm going to go out in the back and wack it around your bush.

Me: Ummmm

Husband: I mean... I'm going to go and cut down parts of the shrubbery with the weed wacker....

I swear I didn't do that on purpose.

A school assignment

Husband: So I have this assignment for my class. I have to create a job posting for my dream job and it has to be a legitimate, legal job. I'm having a really hard time with it because, as you know, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Me: But you don't have a dream job??

Husband: To be insanely wealthy?

Me: So.... "fuck bitches, get money?"

Husband: LOL, yeah but no. Then we'd have to get a divorce so I'd only fuck bitches and get half my money.

Me: Indeed.

On NuSkin

(Puts Nu Skin on his missing fingertip)

Husband: OH HOLY FUCK BALLS THAT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!

(Whines and cries for a few minutes)

You know, if we started putting that on Lil Fella every time she got an "owie" she'd stop asking for bandaids...

Me: mmhmm

Husband: Lil Fella do you need a bandaid? and she'd be like "NO! IT'S FINE!"  and I'd be like "But honey, you're arm's been amputated!"

Me: LOL, good idea honey.

About my brother

Husband: So your brother just sent me a message- "My bike is annoying me, it's making a clicking noise and I'm having a hard time tracking it down". My response to him- "I don't know man, do you have a card in your spokes?"

Me: LOL

Husband: I have no idea why he would come to me about it. 

Me: Because he's my brother. It's how he do.

Husband: It's like you coming to me and asking me how to take care of your vagina. I don't know- magic??

On Bleeding Out

Husband was getting dinner ready and I went to fetch Lil Fella from the neighbors. I walk in to Husband with a blood soaked towel wrapped around his finger.

Husband: Everything's fine! There's no problem here!

Me: Did you just cut the tip of your finger off on the mandoline?

Husband: Yes. That is exactly what I did.

Me: Jesus. Do you need stitches?

Husband: No, we ain't go no money fo dat!

Me: We have health insurance, honey. That's what it's for.

Husband: It's fine! If I need stitches, I'll just get drunk and do it myself!

Me: That sounds like a very poorly thought out plan of action.

Guest Post!

Tonight's post comes courtesy of my lil fella. Wednesday is family game night with Gaga and Grandma, we played a rousing round of Rook then it was time for Candyland. Lil fella ran upstairs to her toy room and gathered up the cards and the game board but forgot the player pieces.

Gaga: Where are the people?

Lil Fella: Oh! I forgot the little gingers! I'll be right back!

Disney Jr

Husband: I had to stop myself from writing Disney an angry email today.

Me: About what this time?

Husband: That damn song they play in between nearly every show- You can be... who you want to be! Be a on a pirate crew or .... something about royalty. I hate it! It's not true! If you're a pirate in real life, something has gone seriously wrong with your life that you're living in Somalia pillaging other boats.

Me: Yeah, it's not really meant to be taken literally honey...

Husband: And royalty?! No! No one just decides to be a princess, you're either born in to that shit or you take it through war. I don't think that's a very good lesson to be teaching our child! If you want to be a princess, start a war and take it!

On the PS4

Husband: So, do you think the PS4 will be better at math than the XBoxOne?

Me: (confused stare)

Husband: Well, it looks just like the XBoxOne, except it's slightly slanted.

Me: OMG, you're terrible!

6.10.13

Husband and I were discussing my shitty week at work due to immature, irritating people who can't communicate effectively

Me: When she's ready to apologize for calling me a liar, then we can kiss and make up, until then all I want is "Yes, it's approved" or "No, fix this."

Husband: Yeah.

*pause*

Is she hot?

Me: No, she's old enough to be my mom.

Husband: Well, you're only allowed to do lesbian stuff if A) I get to watch or 2) She's hot.

Special Agent Ozo

Husband: OMG! I just saw an Ozo I've never seen before!

Me: Lol, it happens every once in awhile

Husband: And it had Handy Manny and his tools in it!

Me: Ok, you better get to the bookstore if you're going so we can go on our bike ride tonight.

Husband: WTF!  THe world is tossed into chaos.... CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't understand honey.  Handy Manny AND Ozo in the same show!  There won't be a bike ride tonight!  The mouse is taking over the world! He gave order 66!   IT HAS BEGUN!

Me: OMG honey, you've lost it.

Husband: Maybe.

Paper towels

Husband: Ok jerk, if you see a paper towel on my desk or trash that is stiff IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!!!!!!! Lil Fella left her glue out and open all night so I had to fix it! THAT'S ALL!

Me: LOL, ok honey.

Husband: I just know how you like to judge me like I'm some kind of self sexual predator or something.

These things happen. ALL THE TIME.

Me: JTFC jerk, did you fall asleep watching porn again?

Husband: *Sndegfohi* NO!

Me: Then why are you sleeping in your chair at 5AM with porn music playing?!

Husband: I fell asleep playing Trivial Pursuit on Xbox- WITH MYSELF! DON'T YOU FUCKING JUDGE ME!!

Me: Oh, I'm judging you. A LOT.

About my Mom

Husband: I tried to call your mom to see if she can watch Lil Fella tomorrow while I run up to school and work everything out for the summer semester but she didn't answer.

Me: Yeah, I'm sure she was outside.

Husband: I don't even know why I bothered, it's way too nice of a day for your mom to be inside.

Me: Well, unless she's still feeling sick.

Husband: No. Even if her innards were literally falling out, she would duct tape them back in and get back to work.

Me: Yeah... that's probably true, where do you think I get it from?