Summer Classes

Husband: Good news! School just approved the business class I took before so I don't have to retake it this summer!
Me: Hooray! So you only have to take the Office class?
Husband: Yeah
Me: Good, it will be easy and leave plenty of time for other pursuits.
Husband: Lol, silly Swype- that's not how you spell "fishing"

Boobs

Hubs brought my laundry up from the dryer last night and at 7AM I couldn't find a bra anywhere. He was still asleep during this.

Me: Damn it! Where is my bra, Honey?!

Husband: I don't know! I just stuffed all your clothes in the bag and brought them up!

 

I continued to rummage through the bag until I found a bra rolled in a shirt, stuffed in some pants and got dressed

Husband: Did you find it?

Me: No, I'm going braless. Do you think the guys will stare at my tits all day?

Husband: They stare at your tits all day anyway. It's what we do.

On the other hand...

So, Husband has been on prednisone treatment for the past couple months. He had a follow up visit with his doctor today.

Doctor: So how have the side effects been?
Husband: Well, I've gained a few pounds.
Doctor: Well, a few pounds is manageable. How about mood swings?
Husband: *thought bubble* Fucking manageable? Fuck you, twat! You're a skinny ass fucker telling my fat ass to deal with it! Fuck you! I hate your face and I want to see it on fucking fire!
"My moods are fine."

Oh my god. Shoes.

Me: I need a bigger shoe budget. For Lil' Fella.

Husband: Why? You don't even CARE about shoes!

Me: Yeah, for me! Look at these shoes! THEY HAVE OWLS! THEY'RE ADORABLE!

Husband: Honey- those shoes don't even come in Lil' Fella's size.

Me: Well we also need to have another little girl.

Underoos

Husband: OOO Guuuurrl OOOOO

Me: (non committal grunt)

Husband: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Me: What, Honey?

Husband: STARWARS UNDEROOS FOR ADULTS!

Me: Send me the link. Father's Day is coming.

Google Suggestions

ending of a very long conversation about our weight loss goals

Me: Well, you do you, honey.

Husband: I'll do me.

pause

Three times a week.

Me: For your prostate health.

Husband: Right. I'm gonna google that.

GODDAMN IT GOOGLE!

Google should know me well enough by now to know that when I type in "masturbation" it shouldn't suggest "is a sin" to finish it!




BTW- in case you were wondering, a man who ejaculates 21 times per month enjoys a 33% reduction in prostate cancer compared to a man who only ejaculates 4-7 times a month. 

California Queens

Lil' Fella: Mommy, do you and Daddy have a Queen bed or a King bed?

Me: A queen, Grandma and Gaga have a king size.

Lil' Fella: So there's queen sized and king sized.

Me: Yep, and you have a full sized.

Husband: There's also a California King size

Lil' Fella: Are there California Queens?

Husband: Yep, they come from San Francisco.

Cutting

Lil Fella: Daddy, can you cut me a lightening bolt?

Husband: I can draw you a lightening bolt and you can cut it out.

Lil' Fella: No, I can't cut on the lines, I'm not good at it.

Husband: Sure you can, you cut all the time.

Lil' Fella: I can't! I don't know how!

Husband: You can too! We're not talking about lines of coke here, honey, it's just paper! You can cut it!

Cheese, or lack of it.

Husband: Were you aware that all the cheese you bought at the store is missing? Well, except for the 2 little blocks of it.

Me: I KNOW! FUCKING CHEESE THIEF!

There are cheese sticks too.

Husband: I don't know what the hell we'll put on dinner tonight.

Me: There's mozzarella in the back.

Husband: Well that's going on dinner. Plus the rest of the Parmesan. This house gets an S- for it's cheese situation!!
Me: I think you'll survive until I go shopping again. We don't need any emer-cheese

Husband: Not if there is no cheese for a sandwich.  I'll probably die. EMER CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I ate a sandwich without cheese today. It was really good. It tasted like ham!

Husband: What are we, Amish?

Me: Amish eat cheese.

Husband: WELL THERE YOU GO! We're WORSE OFF THAN THE AMISH!

Me: I AM NOT MAKING AN EXTRA TRIP TO THE STORE FOR CHEESE!

Husband: Oh the horror.  THE HORROR!!!!  Wait until Lil' Fella finds out! Hell even Stinky stopped jumping in his jumper. He said a life without cheese is not a life worth living. That's pretty deep for a baby.

Me: A baby who can't even have cheese yet.

Husband: Well I guess that settles it. The terrorists won.

Me: That's a lot of drama for some cheese honey bun.

Crocs

Me: Look! I got cute new crocs today!

Husband: I didn't know those were crocs. I guess you never want to have sex again.

Me: Um, the black shoes I've been wearing for two years are crocs.

Husband: Shit, then clearly our son does not exist. Because this:

Chloroform

Husband: GOD!!!!!!  Google sucks! How can I not find "how much chloroform is safe for a baby"

Me: LOL

you.
are.
horrible.

Husband: YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME GOOGLE!!!!!! I bet Bing knows!

I mean JESUS!  What did you give this kid?  A pot of coffee and a few lines of coke?

Me: LOL no. Titty milk. I didn't even have any caffeine since it was 4:45 AM. You just think about that for a minute while you're crying about being awake at 8.......... I was up at 4:45 AM to feed the baby and then got back up at 5:30 to get ready for work.

Husband: and went to bed at like 11.

Me: mmhmm 11:30!

Short Pants

Me: My sister is coming over to take us to the park.

Husband: Shit, I better put some pants on then.

Me: Why? She can't see you in your sleep shorts?

Husband: I don't want her to see my balls!

Me: They come to your knees!

Husband: I know! I'm getting older you know! It happens to the best of us.

Math

Husband: See this- this is the kind of math I like. The kind that doesn't involve actual math.

Me: mmhmm

Husband: You know that's the reason I never went in to video game design or computers right?

Me: Why? Because you hate math?

Husband: Yeah, and those are all math.

Me: Well honey, you shouldn't let math get in the way of your dreams. You make math your bitch!

Husband: You know, I tried that. I really did. Then math said bend over.

Me: LOL

Husband: Bite the pillow, I'm going in dry.

On the Chatterbox

Husband: Oh my god.... Lil Fella did not stop talking the entire way to school. Her teacher took her out of the car and she was still talking to me.

Me: To think, I was worried about her speech delay when she was 18 months and only said cookie.

Husband: She needs her own radio station. WTFM - "The Mabs" Cleveland's home for non stop talk! 100% Commercial free!

Man Boobs

Husband: I think it's going to rain tonight for Meatfest.

Me: Maybe, it's pretty cloudy.

Husband: We should all go in white shirts then and have a wet t-shirt contest. Then when we're done you can rip off your shirt and yell "Woo! Milk shots!"

Me: You are so weird.

Husband: You know that's why men don't have functioning boobs, right? We would totally do that kind of stuff. Somewhere along the line, evolution was all "Let's give that responsibility to women. Men are way too immature."

Me: Or something like that.

Husband: If men had functioning breasts the kid would never get fed and we'd do stuff like squirt it into our friends eyes like "Ha! Got you that time fucker!" or put it in our coffee, it'd be like "Shit, we're out of creamer again... oh well...."

Visiting the midwife

Midwife: So if you'll just undress from the waist down, we'll check your fluids and see what's going on today.
*steps out*

Husband: So... what fluids are we checking? Transmission? Oil level? Washer fluid? Do you need a lube job?

Me: Lol, you should tell that to the midwife.

Husband: Well I was going to... but then I remembered she doesn't know me and she might think I'm retarded.

Tea vs. Coffee

Husband: So when I finished making Lil Fellla's breakfast I went to make coffee and discovered....  "FUCK I'm out!  Thats ok, I'll just make some hot water and make some tea."

Let me tell you something

TEA PISSES ME OFF!

Me: LOL, make some red bull in the sodastream then.

Husband: Tea makes me want to punch people who can't grow up and drink coffee like a fucking adult.

I was going through the kitchen like some sort of tired angry bear.  But I got lucky and found that instant starbucks stuff.  It's better than fucking tea.

Me: Well Lil' Fella got up and dressed by herself so that should make you happy!

Husband: "Ohhhh look at me I'm fuckface McHipster!  I drink the worlds most popular drink because coffee is too mainstream!  Oh and I like to play with teabags!"

I'm adding tea to my list of movements I am against! So it's number 2.

Me: Oh sweetie, drink your instant coffee and calm down. It'll all be ok in a few minutes.

Snow Day

Me: Everything is closed. You can go back to sleep.

Husband: Is my school closed?

Me: Yep, well morning classes anyway.

Husband: Is Lil' Fella's school closed?

Me: Yep.

Husband: Is Home Depot closed?

Me: Well, I'm pretty sure Home Depot will be open... why?

Husband: Do they deliver Mexicans? I don't feel like clearing the driveway.

Me: I don't think so. You'd have to go all the way to Lorain at least and even then, you'd probably get Puerto Ricans.

Handy Manny

We were sitting in the office while Lil' Fella was watching Handy Manny in the living room....

Me: So who is Manny trying to hook up with?

Husband: Probably the lesbian at the hardware store.

Or Dora.

Me: Ok, Number 1- Dora is like 6, so no and Part B- She's on an entirely different network.

Husband: Don't you judge their culture! Besides... how long has Dora been 6? Like a decade? She's old enough.

Gaspard & Lisa

I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher when Husband turns on the TV. It's still on Lil' Fella's favorite channel and I hear him start talking to the show "Gaspard & Lisa"

Husband: Prostitution!

Me: What? Stop talking to the Disney Jr shows, Honey. 

Husband: Well Lisa said she needed to make money really quickly! 

Me: I feel like prostitution would be an inappropriate theme for the preschool set. 

Husband: I don't know, she's a French bitch, she might be giving $5 handy's down by the bridge! 

Me: Probably not.

"Lisa": Oh no! We're all out of lemons! Now we can't sell lemonade!

Husband: Better start sucking some dick Lisa! It's your only choice!