Donuts

My some freak accident, Husband woke up at 7:30 this morning instead of 1:00 this afternoon and I managed to convince him that we NEEDED donuts for breakfast.

Husband: Man, I miss that place I used to go to in Tennessee.

Me: Why?

Husband: Do you want the real answer?

Me: Sure...

Husband: Well it was a family run shop and it was a family of Asians.

Me: Asians are known for their donut making skills?

Husband: No, the dude had these two daughters that worked there and they had the biggest tits I've ever seen on an Asian. So every time I would walk in the door it was like "Oh yeah! THAT'S why I love this place!"

Turkeys

We have a large flock of wild turkeys that roam our neighborhood, mostly because the Cat Kingdom put out corn for them. They are almost as obnoxious as the herds of deer wandering through the backyard.

Husband: So check out the nerve of this GD turkey. I'm leaving to go get Lil Fella. I'm sort of on the late side so I'm in a hurry. I get out to my car and I hear this weird noise like a pigeon or something. I'm thinking to myself "God damn it, if there is a damn bird under my car and it flies in when I open the door I'm going to be pissed..and probably late." So as I open the door the thing gets louder.  I look across my hood and see a fucking turkey head just looking at me like "What's up bro?" So I do what any normal person would do and tell the turkey to go fuck his face and get the hell away from my car. So this asshole must have bad English skills because he thinks I said "Come at me bro!" so he waddles his stupid fucking turkey face over to me and gets all puffy.  That's when I thought "I could snatch this fucker up, break its neck and toss it in the yard for when I get back." But that was no good because I had to leave right then! Then I was thinking of putting it in my trunk and taking it to grandma's after picking up Lil Fella, but I know your mom has to work later and won't have time fo' dat. So I tell the turkey he's fucking lucky I'm late or else he'd be in the freezer.  I guess to a turkey that means "Hey, go stand in front of my car." So as I am starting my car and putting it in gear his stupid fucking face is looking at me and making some stupid fucking turkey noise from the front of my car. Anyway, to make a long story short, I failed at getting Thanksgiving dinner again.

Me: Honey, you're crazy.

Deskchairs

Husband: So there were two chairs that I really liked at Office Max. My favorite was the one I didn't buy because it was cloth and I figured it would attract the hell out of pet fur.

Me: Yeah probably.

Husband: Also, with the leather chair, if I shart, I can just get some baby wipes and wipe that shit up!

Dishwashers

Husband: Ok, so I think this is the dishwasher we're going to get. Almost every reviewer has said it's the greatest appliance they've ever owned. So, no one has come out and said it, but I think it must have a hidden sex hole. I mean, it's a dishwasher and they're talking about it like it's jesus, so it MUST have a hidden sex hole. Or at least a "pleasure me" button.

Petco

Husband: Ok, I'm going to Petco to get some new filters for the fish tank.

Me: Don't come home with any more cat or dog toys. They have enough.

Husband: Pumpkin says he would like a gerbil.

Proud Mary

Me (to the cat): Kazi! Quit fucking with my spinning wheel!

Husband (as Kazi): "Big wheel keep on spinnin'"

Husband (to Kazi): Is that what you're doing Kazi? Singing "Proud Mary"?

Husband (as Kazi): Don't you judge me! I'm black, it's my heritage!

My Minion

Me: I'm irrationally angry at my minion. She's listening to the radio on her side of the lab (the real radio) but she's got it cranked louder than mine and she keeps leaving the lab to go run the tests she's doing for Bossman over in the QC lab. She's gone for at least 15 minutes each time and meanwhile I have to listen to people talk talk talk annoyingly and I want to crank my Pandora to compensate but I don't want to make Surly IT Man across the hall mad because then he'll develop a sudden need to ban internet radio.

Husband: So ask her to turn it down a little.

Me: Well, I'm not really her boss though. Bossman is, and I don't want to be a bitch.

Husband: Well you could go over there when she is gone and cut the cord.  When she comes back say in a panic "Holy shit!!  Fucking NINJAS attacked and tried to steal our formulas!  Luckily I defended the lab, but in a last ditch effort they tried to destroy our equipment.  I'm sorry, but I think they did some damage to your area.  I've called in some of my friends from a rival clan to track them down, but sadly we suffered a great loss."  Then just turn and walk away.

Lil Bunny Foo Foo

Husband: Ok, I think we need to pull Lil' Fella from that school!

Those mother.....  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TEACHING HER?!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: What? School stuff? Letters, numbers, how to not have social anxiety disorder?

Husband: Little bunny Foo Foo was hopping through the forest, picking up field mice and "TICKLING THEM ON THE RIBS"!!!   ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!?

Me: LOL OK not pulling her from school.

Husband: Field mice don't get tickled on the GD ribs!  They get bopped on the GD head! In fact, bop the shit out of that little fuckers head!!!!! FFS!  They are robbing her of her childhood violence!

Me: Yes, because she needs to like dead bodies MORE than she already does.

Chicco thinks of everything!

So I got a great deal on a new Chicco Cortina travel system for #2 at Target's Labor Day sale. I hated Lil Fella's stroller with a passion because Graco did not design the Metrolite for 6 foot tall parents. So the new stroller came today and after I got it all assembled I was showing Husband that I could power walk behind it without kicking the bottom.

Husband: Does it have a hobbit setting for me?

Me: Yep, exhibit A.

Husband: What's that thingy on the handle?

Me: That's the accessory tray, for a drink and what not.

Husband: It's got a beer holder?! Sweet!

Me: Yeah, sure.

Husband: Hey look! It's even got an ash tray! A beer holder AND an ashtray! You're right honey. This is the perfect stroller!

Music

I was playing Kasey Musgraves album in the office while Lil Fella was still eating dinner

Husband: What the hell is this? Who said you could listen to this?

Me: Umm, I did... it's my office too jerknuts

Lil Fella walks in with her hands over her ears

Husband: Yeah! This is NOT pretty music is it Lil Fella?!

Lil Fella: No, it is! But it's too loud!!

Husband: Ugh. If this is too loud, you're too old.

Earrings

Lil Fella: Grandma said she can fix my earring.

Me: Well probably not, it doesn't have a flat back to glue the flower on, it's just a post, so it will wiggle too much and break again.

Husband: Yeah honey, Daddy used to have one like that.

Lil Fella: YOU HAD BLUE FLOWER EARRINGS?!

Weeding

Husband: Cheerios give me gas.

Me: Omg, they do not. EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET DOES NOT GIVE YOU GAS, IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!

Husband: They do! Because they've got holes in them!

Me: What the hell do you think chewing your food is for?! Jesus, I think that's the dumbest thing you've ever said!

Husband: No! They do! And it's not the dumbest thing I've ever said! You want to know the dumbest thing I've ever said?!

Me: Absolutely.

Husband: This morning, I went out to get in the car and that thistle that was by the door didn't spike me and my first thought was "Who stopped by and weeded?" So I don't know if someone stopped by last night and did some stealth weeding, or if you weeded days ago and I didn't notice until this morning.

Me: No, Cheerios giving you gas because there's a hole in the middle is dumber.

More Effort

Me: I put Lil Fella's school calendar right here on the fridge so you can know at a glance the days she has off and the days that there is stuff we have to do.

Husband: We're not doing any of that extra stuff.

Me: Yes we are, I told you, we're going to make a concerted effort to stop being the antisocial assholes of her school.

Husband: I never agreed to that. I'm perfectly happy being an antisocial asshole!

Texting

Husband: Oh my god, I am so glad I checked that before hitting send.

Me: Hm?

Husband: I was sending BFF a text and before I sent it I double checked and I was actually sending it to our neighbor.

I'm pretty sure she would be offend if I called her "Fuckface", "Fatass" or told her to eat a bag of dicks.

Me: Yeah... probably.

Iron Chef America

Husband: You know, I'm tired of this sissy culinary curveball shit. Like skewers. I mean come on. If they're going to have this culinary curveball, make it something awesome. Like "Hide some razor blades in it!" or cyanide. Make it worth my time!

Money Woes

Husband: I'm thinking your brother and I should go donate sperm so we can buy booze.  Good idea or bad idea?

Me: Go for it.

Husband: Well, I just realized that our bro-lo is going to be here and he's never had Cleveland whisky. He needs to try some.

Me: Has the VA sent you your "Sorry for fucking up your life!" money yet?

Husband: No, and I need that money for reasons. Anyway, I don't know where a sperm bank is, and I'm pretty sure I'd be arrested for going door to door trying to sell it.  No soliciting laws and what not....  I guess that idea is out.

Sports

Husband: (talking to his computer) Now see, that's a matter of opinion. You can't call David Beckham the greatest athlete in the world when all he plays is stupid soccer.

Hell, I could be the greatest athlete in the world if masturbation was considered a sport!

Zero Dark Thirty: Tickling Version

Husband and I were laying in bed when Lil Fella came in to snuggle.

Me: Why is there crayon on your lip?

Lil Fella: I don't know!

Me: Were you eating crayons?

Lil Fella: No! I promise!

Husband: Let's tickleboard her!

Lil Fella: (High pitched shriek) No! I WASN'T EATING CRAYONS! I SWEAR!!!!!

Husband: Looks like she needs more tickling! Where is Osama bin Laden?! Who is Abu Ahmed?! 

Lil Fella: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE! I DIDN'T EAT ANY CRAYONS!

Husband: When you lie to us, we tickle you! 

Lil Fella: I'm not lying! I promise!

Husband: You'll break, Lil Fella, every one breaks eventually.

Beer

Lil Fella: What are you doing, Daddy?

Oh you're getting a beer?

Oh you're getting ANOTHER beer?

Do you really need three beers?

Husband: What are you? My wife?

Mr. Scruffles

My sister and brother-in-law are stationed in Germany and they adopted a cat named Mr. Scruffles while over there. He's a killer.

Me: I told her she should bring Mr. Scruffles here when they come visit next month so he can take care of our massive chipmunk population. She said no.

Husband: Well it would probably be stressful on the lil fella. Hey wait! Scruffles is a German cat, isn't he? When they move back here they're going to bring him and he's going to run out and hook up with some harlot American feral cat and then they're going to drop a bunch of anchor babies so he can stay! THIS CANNOT STAND!

Me: It's ok, Honey, Scruffles is neutered.