iPads and Yogurts

Husband: So 2 things- 1) I'm stealing one of your good yogurts with the shit on top and #2 Lil' Fella is pretty pissed at us.

Me: lol, ok and why?

Husband: LOL, Oh because we won't buy her an iPad for her birthday.

Me: LOL, where did she get this idea?

Husband: So she can get that Sophia the First app Disney keeps pushing.

Me: Well tough titties, she HAS a tablet.

Husband: That was one of the reasons I gave her. And that she can't have a pad that on the cheap end costs 2X the price mine.

Me: I'm sorry the Nabi doesn't support Google play yet but she has plenty of apps that are loads of fun from the Amazon app store and Disney are assholes for only making it for Apple.

Husband: PLUS, she can barely take care of the ones she has so a high end one is out of the question. Oh and that it is Apple and "NOT IN THIS HOUSE!"

Me: Indeed, all valid points.

Husband: Your yogurt just splooged in my face when I opened it....  god, now I know how porn stars feel.

Me: LOL!! Oh honey.

Husband: Damn it...  That's going on the blog, isn't it?

Me: FUCK, YES!

Husband: FML, First I catch a money shot from a cup of yogurt and then I get made fun of.  Yep, just like a porn star. At least the yogurt's good.

Snow

This was after the first snow of the season, it was maybe an inch.

Husband: New this year to snow parking rules...  If your car has snow on it but none where you are parking it is totally fine to take up 4 FUCKING SPOTS!!!!!

Me: Lol, sounds legit.

Husband: I think you have to be driving a truck though.

Me: A giant red one.

Husband: So I'm eavesdropping on these two girls talking about driving in the snow. I'm trying REALLY HARD to resist the urge to scream at them.

Me: Yeah. the roads were SUPER BAD this morning   (complete sarcasm, FYI)

Husband: "Oh my god! People are such assholes and bad drivers!  They kept honking and flashing their lights at me on the freeway.  I mean it's snowing! Hello! Jerks!  I'm not going to risk my life and drive above 40 mph on the freeway that is probably frozen just because you didn't leave early."

Me: Lol, GD idiot.

Husband: Other girl..."I know!  This may be my first year driving in the snow, but I know you have to drive safe.  I even made sure I used my blinker!"

I am not making this up!  I think I may have to kill them for the better good for drivers everywhere.

Me: Sounds like a solid conclusion.

Underpants

Husband has been proudly showing me how holey his underwear are getting because he knows it makes me crazy and apparently making me crazy is his hobby. So while he was out of town this weekend I bought him some new underwear.

Me: So I see you're trying out your new underpants. How are they?

Husband: Well... they're fine...

Me: What's wrong with them?

Husband: I'm really out of my comfort zone here, honey.

Me: What? They're boxer briefs!

Husband: They're GREEN!

Me: Oh right, I forgot, you can only wear blue, black or gray. So what about those red ones in the pack?

Husband: NO. RIGHT OUT.

Lil Fella's Birthday Party

I got a box of party supplies for Lil Fella's pirate themed birthday party today.

Me: So here's some pirate swords and eye patches...

Husband: HEY! You know what we should do?! We should have a Somalian pirate party!

Me: OMG honey you're crazy.

Husband: YEAH! We'll send all this stuff back and when they get here we'll open the door in black-face and be like "What? What kind of pirates do you think are around today?!"

Then we'll steal their cars and hold their kids for ransom!

This is going to be the best party ever!

PTS

Me: Bossman said that because I'm pregnant, I'm not qualified to taste or evaluate the smell of our products. I told him that the status of my uterus has no impact on my taste buds.

Apparently, based on his extensive knowledge of pregnancy (none) he was under the impression that because some smells and tastes make me nauseated, that the whole system must be jacked up.

Husband: See, I would have said: Actually, the senses are heightened during pregnancy, so I'm probably better at it than you. The biggest problem is trying to control the Pregnancy Tourette's Syndrome or "PTS" for short. 95% of women get it and it can me very embarrassing! Dick face shit taco.

Me: LOL, oh honey...

Husband: And just think... someday soon, I'm going to be someone's HR rep!

Another guest post

Lil Fella: I remember EVERYTHING since I came out of Mommy's tummy.

Husband: LOL, I bet you can't even remember the things you did a few hours ago.

Lil Fella: I can!

Husband: OK, what happened on your first birthday?

Lil Fella: I was scared because everyone was singing to me.

Husband: No, it was just me and Mommy and you had a carrot cake. It was your first cake and you LOVED it!

Lil Fella: Well, I had cake lots of times before that. When I was in Mommy's tummy she would eat cake and I would just reach out and grab some and eat it too!

Husband: Well that's not exactly how it works honey.

Lil Fella: Well ACTUALLY Daddy, it is.

*And then my husbands head exploded. There's just no telling a know-it-all almost 5 year old.*

Late Night Texts

Me: So who the hell texted you at 3AM this morning?

Husband: Well.... you know all those mom's from the drop off line at Lil' Fella's school just can't get enough of me....

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA lol, yeah right!

Husband: Yeah it was AT&T, letting me know the M-Cell was down over at your parents.

Me: LOL, I love you honey.

Favors

Me: Hey.....how do you feel about taking my sewing machine up to the shop so that I don't have to after work before you leave for class?

Husband: Oh I thought you took it with you

Me: Negative. All you have to do is pick it up by the handle, everything is contained inside the cover, and drive to Cindy's Sew Easy Shoppe, which is in the same plaza as DrugMart then go inside and say, this is my wife's machine to go with the embroidery unit she brought in last night for repair. If you went now, you could drop it off before you picked up Lil' Fella.

Husband: Lol, are you asking me to do it, or how I would feel about doing it?

Me: I'm asking you to do it.... you could decline but it's really in your best interest to do it

Husband: LOL, oh really....?

Me: Well you don't want to be late for school because I got stuck in traffic do you?

Husband: LOL!  Oh honey, you really have no clue what my "best" interest is, do you?

Me: Lol, I see where you're taking this...no I'm not giving you a BJ to take my machine in

Husband: Well....  you could, if you wanted to.  I would let you.

*40 minutes later*

Husband: THERE!

Me: Thanks sugar dumplin'

Husband: I just want you to know that instead of using my normal poop time I went and did something for my lovely wife. So now my poo-edule is WAY OFF!!!

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Husband: I don't know WTF is going on in this episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but Minnie just asked Goofy if he'd like his nuts cracked!  These shows are getting out of hand!

Me: Lol, why are you watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse if Lil' Fella is next door?

Husband: I'm not. Well it's on in the other room. Kazi is watching it. Cecie too. She likes to watch TV while she licks the chair.

Me: Mmhmm... and you like to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Donuts

My some freak accident, Husband woke up at 7:30 this morning instead of 1:00 this afternoon and I managed to convince him that we NEEDED donuts for breakfast.

Husband: Man, I miss that place I used to go to in Tennessee.

Me: Why?

Husband: Do you want the real answer?

Me: Sure...

Husband: Well it was a family run shop and it was a family of Asians.

Me: Asians are known for their donut making skills?

Husband: No, the dude had these two daughters that worked there and they had the biggest tits I've ever seen on an Asian. So every time I would walk in the door it was like "Oh yeah! THAT'S why I love this place!"

Turkeys

We have a large flock of wild turkeys that roam our neighborhood, mostly because the Cat Kingdom put out corn for them. They are almost as obnoxious as the herds of deer wandering through the backyard.

Husband: So check out the nerve of this GD turkey. I'm leaving to go get Lil Fella. I'm sort of on the late side so I'm in a hurry. I get out to my car and I hear this weird noise like a pigeon or something. I'm thinking to myself "God damn it, if there is a damn bird under my car and it flies in when I open the door I'm going to be pissed..and probably late." So as I open the door the thing gets louder.  I look across my hood and see a fucking turkey head just looking at me like "What's up bro?" So I do what any normal person would do and tell the turkey to go fuck his face and get the hell away from my car. So this asshole must have bad English skills because he thinks I said "Come at me bro!" so he waddles his stupid fucking turkey face over to me and gets all puffy.  That's when I thought "I could snatch this fucker up, break its neck and toss it in the yard for when I get back." But that was no good because I had to leave right then! Then I was thinking of putting it in my trunk and taking it to grandma's after picking up Lil Fella, but I know your mom has to work later and won't have time fo' dat. So I tell the turkey he's fucking lucky I'm late or else he'd be in the freezer.  I guess to a turkey that means "Hey, go stand in front of my car." So as I am starting my car and putting it in gear his stupid fucking face is looking at me and making some stupid fucking turkey noise from the front of my car. Anyway, to make a long story short, I failed at getting Thanksgiving dinner again.

Me: Honey, you're crazy.

Deskchairs

Husband: So there were two chairs that I really liked at Office Max. My favorite was the one I didn't buy because it was cloth and I figured it would attract the hell out of pet fur.

Me: Yeah probably.

Husband: Also, with the leather chair, if I shart, I can just get some baby wipes and wipe that shit up!

Dishwashers

Husband: Ok, so I think this is the dishwasher we're going to get. Almost every reviewer has said it's the greatest appliance they've ever owned. So, no one has come out and said it, but I think it must have a hidden sex hole. I mean, it's a dishwasher and they're talking about it like it's jesus, so it MUST have a hidden sex hole. Or at least a "pleasure me" button.

Petco

Husband: Ok, I'm going to Petco to get some new filters for the fish tank.

Me: Don't come home with any more cat or dog toys. They have enough.

Husband: Pumpkin says he would like a gerbil.

Proud Mary

Me (to the cat): Kazi! Quit fucking with my spinning wheel!

Husband (as Kazi): "Big wheel keep on spinnin'"

Husband (to Kazi): Is that what you're doing Kazi? Singing "Proud Mary"?

Husband (as Kazi): Don't you judge me! I'm black, it's my heritage!

My Minion

Me: I'm irrationally angry at my minion. She's listening to the radio on her side of the lab (the real radio) but she's got it cranked louder than mine and she keeps leaving the lab to go run the tests she's doing for Bossman over in the QC lab. She's gone for at least 15 minutes each time and meanwhile I have to listen to people talk talk talk annoyingly and I want to crank my Pandora to compensate but I don't want to make Surly IT Man across the hall mad because then he'll develop a sudden need to ban internet radio.

Husband: So ask her to turn it down a little.

Me: Well, I'm not really her boss though. Bossman is, and I don't want to be a bitch.

Husband: Well you could go over there when she is gone and cut the cord.  When she comes back say in a panic "Holy shit!!  Fucking NINJAS attacked and tried to steal our formulas!  Luckily I defended the lab, but in a last ditch effort they tried to destroy our equipment.  I'm sorry, but I think they did some damage to your area.  I've called in some of my friends from a rival clan to track them down, but sadly we suffered a great loss."  Then just turn and walk away.

Lil Bunny Foo Foo

Husband: Ok, I think we need to pull Lil' Fella from that school!

Those mother.....  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TEACHING HER?!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: What? School stuff? Letters, numbers, how to not have social anxiety disorder?

Husband: Little bunny Foo Foo was hopping through the forest, picking up field mice and "TICKLING THEM ON THE RIBS"!!!   ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!?

Me: LOL OK not pulling her from school.

Husband: Field mice don't get tickled on the GD ribs!  They get bopped on the GD head! In fact, bop the shit out of that little fuckers head!!!!! FFS!  They are robbing her of her childhood violence!

Me: Yes, because she needs to like dead bodies MORE than she already does.

Chicco thinks of everything!

So I got a great deal on a new Chicco Cortina travel system for #2 at Target's Labor Day sale. I hated Lil Fella's stroller with a passion because Graco did not design the Metrolite for 6 foot tall parents. So the new stroller came today and after I got it all assembled I was showing Husband that I could power walk behind it without kicking the bottom.

Husband: Does it have a hobbit setting for me?

Me: Yep, exhibit A.

Husband: What's that thingy on the handle?

Me: That's the accessory tray, for a drink and what not.

Husband: It's got a beer holder?! Sweet!

Me: Yeah, sure.

Husband: Hey look! It's even got an ash tray! A beer holder AND an ashtray! You're right honey. This is the perfect stroller!

Music

I was playing Kasey Musgraves album in the office while Lil Fella was still eating dinner

Husband: What the hell is this? Who said you could listen to this?

Me: Umm, I did... it's my office too jerknuts

Lil Fella walks in with her hands over her ears

Husband: Yeah! This is NOT pretty music is it Lil Fella?!

Lil Fella: No, it is! But it's too loud!!

Husband: Ugh. If this is too loud, you're too old.

Earrings

Lil Fella: Grandma said she can fix my earring.

Me: Well probably not, it doesn't have a flat back to glue the flower on, it's just a post, so it will wiggle too much and break again.

Husband: Yeah honey, Daddy used to have one like that.

Lil Fella: YOU HAD BLUE FLOWER EARRINGS?!