Me: Bossman said that because I'm pregnant, I'm not qualified to taste or evaluate the smell of our products. I told him that the status of my uterus has no impact on my taste buds.
Apparently, based on his extensive knowledge of pregnancy (none) he was under the impression that because some smells and tastes make me nauseated, that the whole system must be jacked up.
Husband: See, I would have said: Actually, the senses are heightened during pregnancy, so I'm probably better at it than you. The biggest problem is trying to control the Pregnancy Tourette's Syndrome or "PTS" for short. 95% of women get it and it can me very embarrassing! Dick face shit taco.
Me: LOL, oh honey...
Husband: And just think... someday soon, I'm going to be someone's HR rep!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Another guest post
Lil Fella: I remember EVERYTHING since I came out of Mommy's tummy.
Husband: LOL, I bet you can't even remember the things you did a few hours ago.
Lil Fella: I can!
Husband: OK, what happened on your first birthday?
Lil Fella: I was scared because everyone was singing to me.
Husband: No, it was just me and Mommy and you had a carrot cake. It was your first cake and you LOVED it!
Lil Fella: Well, I had cake lots of times before that. When I was in Mommy's tummy she would eat cake and I would just reach out and grab some and eat it too!
Husband: Well that's not exactly how it works honey.
Lil Fella: Well ACTUALLY Daddy, it is.
*And then my husbands head exploded. There's just no telling a know-it-all almost 5 year old.*
Husband: LOL, I bet you can't even remember the things you did a few hours ago.
Lil Fella: I can!
Husband: OK, what happened on your first birthday?
Lil Fella: I was scared because everyone was singing to me.
Husband: No, it was just me and Mommy and you had a carrot cake. It was your first cake and you LOVED it!
Lil Fella: Well, I had cake lots of times before that. When I was in Mommy's tummy she would eat cake and I would just reach out and grab some and eat it too!
Husband: Well that's not exactly how it works honey.
Lil Fella: Well ACTUALLY Daddy, it is.
*And then my husbands head exploded. There's just no telling a know-it-all almost 5 year old.*
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Late Night Texts
Me: So who the hell texted you at 3AM this morning?
Husband: Well.... you know all those mom's from the drop off line at Lil' Fella's school just can't get enough of me....
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA lol, yeah right!
Husband: Yeah it was AT&T, letting me know the M-Cell was down over at your parents.
Me: LOL, I love you honey.
Husband: Well.... you know all those mom's from the drop off line at Lil' Fella's school just can't get enough of me....
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA lol, yeah right!
Husband: Yeah it was AT&T, letting me know the M-Cell was down over at your parents.
Me: LOL, I love you honey.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Favors
Me: Hey.....how do you feel about taking my sewing machine up to the shop so that I don't have to after work before you leave for class?
Husband: Oh I thought you took it with you
Me: Negative. All you have to do is pick it up by the handle, everything is contained inside the cover, and drive to Cindy's Sew Easy Shoppe, which is in the same plaza as DrugMart then go inside and say, this is my wife's machine to go with the embroidery unit she brought in last night for repair. If you went now, you could drop it off before you picked up Lil' Fella.
Husband: Lol, are you asking me to do it, or how I would feel about doing it?
Me: I'm asking you to do it.... you could decline but it's really in your best interest to do it
Husband: LOL, oh really....?
Me: Well you don't want to be late for school because I got stuck in traffic do you?
Husband: LOL! Oh honey, you really have no clue what my "best" interest is, do you?
Me: Lol, I see where you're taking this...no I'm not giving you a BJ to take my machine in
Husband: Well.... you could, if you wanted to. I would let you.
*40 minutes later*
Husband: THERE!
Me: Thanks sugar dumplin'
Husband: I just want you to know that instead of using my normal poop time I went and did something for my lovely wife. So now my poo-edule is WAY OFF!!!
Husband: Oh I thought you took it with you
Me: Negative. All you have to do is pick it up by the handle, everything is contained inside the cover, and drive to Cindy's Sew Easy Shoppe, which is in the same plaza as DrugMart then go inside and say, this is my wife's machine to go with the embroidery unit she brought in last night for repair. If you went now, you could drop it off before you picked up Lil' Fella.
Husband: Lol, are you asking me to do it, or how I would feel about doing it?
Me: I'm asking you to do it.... you could decline but it's really in your best interest to do it
Husband: LOL, oh really....?
Me: Well you don't want to be late for school because I got stuck in traffic do you?
Husband: LOL! Oh honey, you really have no clue what my "best" interest is, do you?
Me: Lol, I see where you're taking this...no I'm not giving you a BJ to take my machine in
Husband: Well.... you could, if you wanted to. I would let you.
*40 minutes later*
Husband: THERE!
Me: Thanks sugar dumplin'
Husband: I just want you to know that instead of using my normal poop time I went and did something for my lovely wife. So now my poo-edule is WAY OFF!!!
Monday, October 21, 2013
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Husband: I don't know WTF is going on in this episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but Minnie just asked Goofy if he'd like his nuts cracked! These shows are getting out of hand!
Me: Lol, why are you watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse if Lil' Fella is next door?
Husband: I'm not. Well it's on in the other room. Kazi is watching it. Cecie too. She likes to watch TV while she licks the chair.
Me: Mmhmm... and you like to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
Me: Lol, why are you watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse if Lil' Fella is next door?
Husband: I'm not. Well it's on in the other room. Kazi is watching it. Cecie too. She likes to watch TV while she licks the chair.
Me: Mmhmm... and you like to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Donuts
My some freak accident, Husband woke up at 7:30 this morning instead of 1:00 this afternoon and I managed to convince him that we NEEDED donuts for breakfast.
Husband: Man, I miss that place I used to go to in Tennessee.
Me: Why?
Husband: Do you want the real answer?
Me: Sure...
Husband: Well it was a family run shop and it was a family of Asians.
Me: Asians are known for their donut making skills?
Husband: No, the dude had these two daughters that worked there and they had the biggest tits I've ever seen on an Asian. So every time I would walk in the door it was like "Oh yeah! THAT'S why I love this place!"
Husband: Man, I miss that place I used to go to in Tennessee.
Me: Why?
Husband: Do you want the real answer?
Me: Sure...
Husband: Well it was a family run shop and it was a family of Asians.
Me: Asians are known for their donut making skills?
Husband: No, the dude had these two daughters that worked there and they had the biggest tits I've ever seen on an Asian. So every time I would walk in the door it was like "Oh yeah! THAT'S why I love this place!"
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Turkeys
We have a large flock of wild turkeys that roam our neighborhood, mostly because the Cat Kingdom put out corn for them. They are almost as obnoxious as the herds of deer wandering through the backyard.
Husband: So check out the nerve of this GD turkey. I'm leaving to go get Lil Fella. I'm sort of on the late side so I'm in a hurry. I get out to my car and I hear this weird noise like a pigeon or something. I'm thinking to myself "God damn it, if there is a damn bird under my car and it flies in when I open the door I'm going to be pissed..and probably late." So as I open the door the thing gets louder. I look across my hood and see a fucking turkey head just looking at me like "What's up bro?" So I do what any normal person would do and tell the turkey to go fuck his face and get the hell away from my car. So this asshole must have bad English skills because he thinks I said "Come at me bro!" so he waddles his stupid fucking turkey face over to me and gets all puffy. That's when I thought "I could snatch this fucker up, break its neck and toss it in the yard for when I get back." But that was no good because I had to leave right then! Then I was thinking of putting it in my trunk and taking it to grandma's after picking up Lil Fella, but I know your mom has to work later and won't have time fo' dat. So I tell the turkey he's fucking lucky I'm late or else he'd be in the freezer. I guess to a turkey that means "Hey, go stand in front of my car." So as I am starting my car and putting it in gear his stupid fucking face is looking at me and making some stupid fucking turkey noise from the front of my car. Anyway, to make a long story short, I failed at getting Thanksgiving dinner again.
Me: Honey, you're crazy.
Husband: So check out the nerve of this GD turkey. I'm leaving to go get Lil Fella. I'm sort of on the late side so I'm in a hurry. I get out to my car and I hear this weird noise like a pigeon or something. I'm thinking to myself "God damn it, if there is a damn bird under my car and it flies in when I open the door I'm going to be pissed..and probably late." So as I open the door the thing gets louder. I look across my hood and see a fucking turkey head just looking at me like "What's up bro?" So I do what any normal person would do and tell the turkey to go fuck his face and get the hell away from my car. So this asshole must have bad English skills because he thinks I said "Come at me bro!" so he waddles his stupid fucking turkey face over to me and gets all puffy. That's when I thought "I could snatch this fucker up, break its neck and toss it in the yard for when I get back." But that was no good because I had to leave right then! Then I was thinking of putting it in my trunk and taking it to grandma's after picking up Lil Fella, but I know your mom has to work later and won't have time fo' dat. So I tell the turkey he's fucking lucky I'm late or else he'd be in the freezer. I guess to a turkey that means "Hey, go stand in front of my car." So as I am starting my car and putting it in gear his stupid fucking face is looking at me and making some stupid fucking turkey noise from the front of my car. Anyway, to make a long story short, I failed at getting Thanksgiving dinner again.
Me: Honey, you're crazy.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Deskchairs
Husband: So there were two chairs that I really liked at Office Max. My favorite was the one I didn't buy because it was cloth and I figured it would attract the hell out of pet fur.
Me: Yeah probably.
Husband: Also, with the leather chair, if I shart, I can just get some baby wipes and wipe that shit up!
Me: Yeah probably.
Husband: Also, with the leather chair, if I shart, I can just get some baby wipes and wipe that shit up!
Monday, September 30, 2013
Dishwashers
Husband: Ok, so I think this is the dishwasher we're going to get. Almost every reviewer has said it's the greatest appliance they've ever owned. So, no one has come out and said it, but I think it must have a hidden sex hole. I mean, it's a dishwasher and they're talking about it like it's jesus, so it MUST have a hidden sex hole. Or at least a "pleasure me" button.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Petco
Husband: Ok, I'm going to Petco to get some new filters for the fish tank.
Me: Don't come home with any more cat or dog toys. They have enough.
Husband: Pumpkin says he would like a gerbil.
Me: Don't come home with any more cat or dog toys. They have enough.
Husband: Pumpkin says he would like a gerbil.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Proud Mary
Me (to the cat): Kazi! Quit fucking with my spinning wheel!
Husband (as Kazi): "Big wheel keep on spinnin'"
Husband (to Kazi): Is that what you're doing Kazi? Singing "Proud Mary"?
Husband (as Kazi): Don't you judge me! I'm black, it's my heritage!
Husband (as Kazi): "Big wheel keep on spinnin'"
Husband (to Kazi): Is that what you're doing Kazi? Singing "Proud Mary"?
Husband (as Kazi): Don't you judge me! I'm black, it's my heritage!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
My Minion
Me: I'm irrationally angry at my minion. She's listening to the radio on her side of the lab (the real radio) but she's got it cranked louder than mine and she keeps leaving the lab to go run the tests she's doing for Bossman over in the QC lab. She's gone for at least 15 minutes each time and meanwhile I have to listen to people talk talk talk annoyingly and I want to crank my Pandora to compensate but I don't want to make Surly IT Man across the hall mad because then he'll develop a sudden need to ban internet radio.
Husband: So ask her to turn it down a little.
Me: Well, I'm not really her boss though. Bossman is, and I don't want to be a bitch.
Husband: Well you could go over there when she is gone and cut the cord. When she comes back say in a panic "Holy shit!! Fucking NINJAS attacked and tried to steal our formulas! Luckily I defended the lab, but in a last ditch effort they tried to destroy our equipment. I'm sorry, but I think they did some damage to your area. I've called in some of my friends from a rival clan to track them down, but sadly we suffered a great loss." Then just turn and walk away.
Husband: So ask her to turn it down a little.
Me: Well, I'm not really her boss though. Bossman is, and I don't want to be a bitch.
Husband: Well you could go over there when she is gone and cut the cord. When she comes back say in a panic "Holy shit!! Fucking NINJAS attacked and tried to steal our formulas! Luckily I defended the lab, but in a last ditch effort they tried to destroy our equipment. I'm sorry, but I think they did some damage to your area. I've called in some of my friends from a rival clan to track them down, but sadly we suffered a great loss." Then just turn and walk away.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Lil Bunny Foo Foo
Husband: Ok, I think we need to pull Lil' Fella from that school!
Those mother..... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TEACHING HER?!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: What? School stuff? Letters, numbers, how to not have social anxiety disorder?
Husband: Little bunny Foo Foo was hopping through the forest, picking up field mice and "TICKLING THEM ON THE RIBS"!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!?
Me: LOL OK not pulling her from school.
Husband: Field mice don't get tickled on the GD ribs! They get bopped on the GD head! In fact, bop the shit out of that little fuckers head!!!!! FFS! They are robbing her of her childhood violence!
Me: Yes, because she needs to like dead bodies MORE than she already does.
Those mother..... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TEACHING HER?!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: What? School stuff? Letters, numbers, how to not have social anxiety disorder?
Husband: Little bunny Foo Foo was hopping through the forest, picking up field mice and "TICKLING THEM ON THE RIBS"!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!?
Me: LOL OK not pulling her from school.
Husband: Field mice don't get tickled on the GD ribs! They get bopped on the GD head! In fact, bop the shit out of that little fuckers head!!!!! FFS! They are robbing her of her childhood violence!
Me: Yes, because she needs to like dead bodies MORE than she already does.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Chicco thinks of everything!
So I got a great deal on a new Chicco Cortina travel system for #2 at Target's Labor Day sale. I hated Lil Fella's stroller with a passion because Graco did not design the Metrolite for 6 foot tall parents. So the new stroller came today and after I got it all assembled I was showing Husband that I could power walk behind it without kicking the bottom.
Husband: Does it have a hobbit setting for me?
Me: Yep, exhibit A.
Husband: What's that thingy on the handle?
Me: That's the accessory tray, for a drink and what not.
Husband: It's got a beer holder?! Sweet!
Me: Yeah, sure.
Husband: Hey look! It's even got an ash tray! A beer holder AND an ashtray! You're right honey. This is the perfect stroller!
Husband: Does it have a hobbit setting for me?
Me: Yep, exhibit A.
Husband: What's that thingy on the handle?
Me: That's the accessory tray, for a drink and what not.
Husband: It's got a beer holder?! Sweet!
Me: Yeah, sure.
Husband: Hey look! It's even got an ash tray! A beer holder AND an ashtray! You're right honey. This is the perfect stroller!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Music
I was playing Kasey Musgraves album in the office while Lil Fella was still eating dinner
Husband: What the hell is this? Who said you could listen to this?
Me: Umm, I did... it's my office too jerknuts
Lil Fella walks in with her hands over her ears
Husband: Yeah! This is NOT pretty music is it Lil Fella?!
Lil Fella: No, it is! But it's too loud!!
Husband: Ugh. If this is too loud, you're too old.
Husband: What the hell is this? Who said you could listen to this?
Me: Umm, I did... it's my office too jerknuts
Lil Fella walks in with her hands over her ears
Husband: Yeah! This is NOT pretty music is it Lil Fella?!
Lil Fella: No, it is! But it's too loud!!
Husband: Ugh. If this is too loud, you're too old.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Earrings
Lil Fella: Grandma said she can fix my earring.
Me: Well probably not, it doesn't have a flat back to glue the flower on, it's just a post, so it will wiggle too much and break again.
Husband: Yeah honey, Daddy used to have one like that.
Lil Fella: YOU HAD BLUE FLOWER EARRINGS?!
Me: Well probably not, it doesn't have a flat back to glue the flower on, it's just a post, so it will wiggle too much and break again.
Husband: Yeah honey, Daddy used to have one like that.
Lil Fella: YOU HAD BLUE FLOWER EARRINGS?!
Friday, August 30, 2013
Weeding
Husband: Cheerios give me gas.
Me: Omg, they do not. EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET DOES NOT GIVE YOU GAS, IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!
Husband: They do! Because they've got holes in them!
Me: What the hell do you think chewing your food is for?! Jesus, I think that's the dumbest thing you've ever said!
Husband: No! They do! And it's not the dumbest thing I've ever said! You want to know the dumbest thing I've ever said?!
Me: Absolutely.
Husband: This morning, I went out to get in the car and that thistle that was by the door didn't spike me and my first thought was "Who stopped by and weeded?" So I don't know if someone stopped by last night and did some stealth weeding, or if you weeded days ago and I didn't notice until this morning.
Me: No, Cheerios giving you gas because there's a hole in the middle is dumber.
Me: Omg, they do not. EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET DOES NOT GIVE YOU GAS, IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!
Husband: They do! Because they've got holes in them!
Me: What the hell do you think chewing your food is for?! Jesus, I think that's the dumbest thing you've ever said!
Husband: No! They do! And it's not the dumbest thing I've ever said! You want to know the dumbest thing I've ever said?!
Me: Absolutely.
Husband: This morning, I went out to get in the car and that thistle that was by the door didn't spike me and my first thought was "Who stopped by and weeded?" So I don't know if someone stopped by last night and did some stealth weeding, or if you weeded days ago and I didn't notice until this morning.
Me: No, Cheerios giving you gas because there's a hole in the middle is dumber.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
More Effort
Me: I put Lil Fella's school calendar right here on the fridge so you can know at a glance the days she has off and the days that there is stuff we have to do.
Husband: We're not doing any of that extra stuff.
Me: Yes we are, I told you, we're going to make a concerted effort to stop being the antisocial assholes of her school.
Husband: I never agreed to that. I'm perfectly happy being an antisocial asshole!
Husband: We're not doing any of that extra stuff.
Me: Yes we are, I told you, we're going to make a concerted effort to stop being the antisocial assholes of her school.
Husband: I never agreed to that. I'm perfectly happy being an antisocial asshole!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Texting
Husband: Oh my god, I am so glad I checked that before hitting send.
Me: Hm?
Husband: I was sending BFF a text and before I sent it I double checked and I was actually sending it to our neighbor.
I'm pretty sure she would be offend if I called her "Fuckface", "Fatass" or told her to eat a bag of dicks.
Me: Yeah... probably.
Me: Hm?
Husband: I was sending BFF a text and before I sent it I double checked and I was actually sending it to our neighbor.
I'm pretty sure she would be offend if I called her "Fuckface", "Fatass" or told her to eat a bag of dicks.
Me: Yeah... probably.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Iron Chef America
Husband: You know, I'm tired of this sissy culinary curveball shit. Like skewers. I mean come on. If they're going to have this culinary curveball, make it something awesome. Like "Hide some razor blades in it!" or cyanide. Make it worth my time!
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