Midwife: So if you'll just undress from the waist down, we'll check your fluids and see what's going on today.
Husband: So... what fluids are we checking? Transmission? Oil level? Washer fluid? Do you need a lube job?
Me: Lol, you should tell that to the midwife.
Husband: Well I was going to... but then I remembered she doesn't know me and she might think I'm retarded.