Monday, December 30, 2013


Husband: (to Lil' Fella) So what did you guys do last night? Play any fun games?

Lil Fella: No, we watched TWO movies- Cinderella and Ariel! (runs away)

Husband: You know, Ariel's not a movie. Areola on the other hand... THAT'S a movie!

Me: Probably not about a Disney Princess.

Husband: Well you never know....

Wednesday, December 18, 2013


Husband: GAWD I hate Christmas!

Me: Why?

Husband: This makes like 4 or 5 days in a row that I've had to talk to my mom. People in Gitmo have to deal with less.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Inflatable Darth Vader

I bought Husband an inflatable Darth Vader as an impulse buy on Black Friday this year. We're doing the outside decor this week so he tested him out in the kitchen. 

Husband: Look honey! It's a giant inflatable Darth Vader penis!

Me: No it's not, it looks like Darth Vader.

Husband: No look, see, his feet are the balls his body is the shaft and his head and helmet is the head!

Me: Maybe if you squint.

Husband: OK, so where do you want him? In the bedroom for sexy time?

Me: Why would I want an inflatable Darth Vader watching me during sexy time?

Husband: Mood lighting! From his light saber!

Sunday, December 8, 2013


I was trying to stretch out my pelvis to relieve some of the pain when Lil Fella walked in and asked me what I was doing.

Me: My pelvis hurts honey, I'm trying to stretch it out.

Husband: Yeah, you know, before Mommy was pregnant with you she could move her hips like Shakira!

Me: HAHAHA, you know that's a lie. Show her a Shakira video.

Husband: I don't think that's appropriate for a 5 year old!

Me: It's just dancing, she's seen the latin dancers on So You Think You Can Dance.

Husband: I had to stop watching Shakira videos back in AIT.

Me: Why?

Husband: Shakira videos lead to spontaneous masturbation!

Monday, December 2, 2013


Husband: Dude, you're so mad right now.  Shouldn't you be done with Christmas by now?  It's almost time to start shopping for next year!

Me: I'm just saying. There are still 23 days before Christmas.

Husband: 23 days honey!!! 23!!  That's hardly enough time to do everything that needs done for the lord!

Me: Lord jesus please help me not to murder people this holiday season...

Husband: It's bad enough we had to lose 6 days because of stupid Thanksgiving!!!!  I've got shit to do people so fuck off and get the fuck out of my way!!!!  If I don't get these fucking lights up and these god damn cookies done god will smite me!

Me: lol

Husband: Peace on earth and good will toward men will have to wait until I get these fucking Furbies wrapped and under the tree!!!!

Me: Lol goddamn honey, your son is pressing on my bladder 24/7 and I can't pee my pants at work.

Husband: Well if you would have listened to me months ago and let me keep up the lights and shit we'd be ahead right now! But nnnnoooooooooooo!!!  You didn't want to look trashy!

Me: Lol, right

Husband: Its only trashy 8 months out of the year. Don't forget to get corned beef at the store this week, we need to get ready for New Years. Oh, and BTW I'll be going to the fireworks store next week to get shit for the 4th of July

Me: Corned beef is St Patty's Day. New Years is standing rib roast.

Husband: Well get them both!

Me: lol ok