Wednesday, October 30, 2013


Me: Bossman said that because I'm pregnant, I'm not qualified to taste or evaluate the smell of our products. I told him that the status of my uterus has no impact on my taste buds.

Apparently, based on his extensive knowledge of pregnancy (none) he was under the impression that because some smells and tastes make me nauseated, that the whole system must be jacked up.

Husband: See, I would have said: Actually, the senses are heightened during pregnancy, so I'm probably better at it than you. The biggest problem is trying to control the Pregnancy Tourette's Syndrome or "PTS" for short. 95% of women get it and it can me very embarrassing! Dick face shit taco.

Me: LOL, oh honey...

Husband: And just think... someday soon, I'm going to be someone's HR rep!

Another guest post

Lil Fella: I remember EVERYTHING since I came out of Mommy's tummy.

Husband: LOL, I bet you can't even remember the things you did a few hours ago.

Lil Fella: I can!

Husband: OK, what happened on your first birthday?

Lil Fella: I was scared because everyone was singing to me.

Husband: No, it was just me and Mommy and you had a carrot cake. It was your first cake and you LOVED it!

Lil Fella: Well, I had cake lots of times before that. When I was in Mommy's tummy she would eat cake and I would just reach out and grab some and eat it too!

Husband: Well that's not exactly how it works honey.

Lil Fella: Well ACTUALLY Daddy, it is.

*And then my husbands head exploded. There's just no telling a know-it-all almost 5 year old.*

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Late Night Texts

Me: So who the hell texted you at 3AM this morning?

Husband: Well.... you know all those mom's from the drop off line at Lil' Fella's school just can't get enough of me....

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA lol, yeah right!

Husband: Yeah it was AT&T, letting me know the M-Cell was down over at your parents.

Me: LOL, I love you honey.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


Me: do you feel about taking my sewing machine up to the shop so that I don't have to after work before you leave for class?

Husband: Oh I thought you took it with you

Me: Negative. All you have to do is pick it up by the handle, everything is contained inside the cover, and drive to Cindy's Sew Easy Shoppe, which is in the same plaza as DrugMart then go inside and say, this is my wife's machine to go with the embroidery unit she brought in last night for repair. If you went now, you could drop it off before you picked up Lil' Fella.

Husband: Lol, are you asking me to do it, or how I would feel about doing it?

Me: I'm asking you to do it.... you could decline but it's really in your best interest to do it

Husband: LOL, oh really....?

Me: Well you don't want to be late for school because I got stuck in traffic do you?

Husband: LOL!  Oh honey, you really have no clue what my "best" interest is, do you?

Me: Lol, I see where you're taking I'm not giving you a BJ to take my machine in

Husband: Well....  you could, if you wanted to.  I would let you.

*40 minutes later*

Husband: THERE!

Me: Thanks sugar dumplin'

Husband: I just want you to know that instead of using my normal poop time I went and did something for my lovely wife. So now my poo-edule is WAY OFF!!!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Husband: I don't know WTF is going on in this episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but Minnie just asked Goofy if he'd like his nuts cracked!  These shows are getting out of hand!

Me: Lol, why are you watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse if Lil' Fella is next door?

Husband: I'm not. Well it's on in the other room. Kazi is watching it. Cecie too. She likes to watch TV while she licks the chair.

Me: Mmhmm... and you like to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Saturday, October 19, 2013


My some freak accident, Husband woke up at 7:30 this morning instead of 1:00 this afternoon and I managed to convince him that we NEEDED donuts for breakfast.

Husband: Man, I miss that place I used to go to in Tennessee.

Me: Why?

Husband: Do you want the real answer?

Me: Sure...

Husband: Well it was a family run shop and it was a family of Asians.

Me: Asians are known for their donut making skills?

Husband: No, the dude had these two daughters that worked there and they had the biggest tits I've ever seen on an Asian. So every time I would walk in the door it was like "Oh yeah! THAT'S why I love this place!"

Wednesday, October 2, 2013


We have a large flock of wild turkeys that roam our neighborhood, mostly because the Cat Kingdom put out corn for them. They are almost as obnoxious as the herds of deer wandering through the backyard.

Husband: So check out the nerve of this GD turkey. I'm leaving to go get Lil Fella. I'm sort of on the late side so I'm in a hurry. I get out to my car and I hear this weird noise like a pigeon or something. I'm thinking to myself "God damn it, if there is a damn bird under my car and it flies in when I open the door I'm going to be pissed..and probably late." So as I open the door the thing gets louder.  I look across my hood and see a fucking turkey head just looking at me like "What's up bro?" So I do what any normal person would do and tell the turkey to go fuck his face and get the hell away from my car. So this asshole must have bad English skills because he thinks I said "Come at me bro!" so he waddles his stupid fucking turkey face over to me and gets all puffy.  That's when I thought "I could snatch this fucker up, break its neck and toss it in the yard for when I get back." But that was no good because I had to leave right then! Then I was thinking of putting it in my trunk and taking it to grandma's after picking up Lil Fella, but I know your mom has to work later and won't have time fo' dat. So I tell the turkey he's fucking lucky I'm late or else he'd be in the freezer.  I guess to a turkey that means "Hey, go stand in front of my car." So as I am starting my car and putting it in gear his stupid fucking face is looking at me and making some stupid fucking turkey noise from the front of my car. Anyway, to make a long story short, I failed at getting Thanksgiving dinner again.

Me: Honey, you're crazy.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


Husband: So there were two chairs that I really liked at Office Max. My favorite was the one I didn't buy because it was cloth and I figured it would attract the hell out of pet fur.

Me: Yeah probably.

Husband: Also, with the leather chair, if I shart, I can just get some baby wipes and wipe that shit up!