Dishwashers

Husband: Ok, so I think this is the dishwasher we're going to get. Almost every reviewer has said it's the greatest appliance they've ever owned. So, no one has come out and said it, but I think it must have a hidden sex hole. I mean, it's a dishwasher and they're talking about it like it's jesus, so it MUST have a hidden sex hole. Or at least a "pleasure me" button.

Petco

Husband: Ok, I'm going to Petco to get some new filters for the fish tank.

Me: Don't come home with any more cat or dog toys. They have enough.

Husband: Pumpkin says he would like a gerbil.

Proud Mary

Me (to the cat): Kazi! Quit fucking with my spinning wheel!

Husband (as Kazi): "Big wheel keep on spinnin'"

Husband (to Kazi): Is that what you're doing Kazi? Singing "Proud Mary"?

Husband (as Kazi): Don't you judge me! I'm black, it's my heritage!

My Minion

Me: I'm irrationally angry at my minion. She's listening to the radio on her side of the lab (the real radio) but she's got it cranked louder than mine and she keeps leaving the lab to go run the tests she's doing for Bossman over in the QC lab. She's gone for at least 15 minutes each time and meanwhile I have to listen to people talk talk talk annoyingly and I want to crank my Pandora to compensate but I don't want to make Surly IT Man across the hall mad because then he'll develop a sudden need to ban internet radio.

Husband: So ask her to turn it down a little.

Me: Well, I'm not really her boss though. Bossman is, and I don't want to be a bitch.

Husband: Well you could go over there when she is gone and cut the cord.  When she comes back say in a panic "Holy shit!!  Fucking NINJAS attacked and tried to steal our formulas!  Luckily I defended the lab, but in a last ditch effort they tried to destroy our equipment.  I'm sorry, but I think they did some damage to your area.  I've called in some of my friends from a rival clan to track them down, but sadly we suffered a great loss."  Then just turn and walk away.

Lil Bunny Foo Foo

Husband: Ok, I think we need to pull Lil' Fella from that school!

Those mother.....  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TEACHING HER?!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: What? School stuff? Letters, numbers, how to not have social anxiety disorder?

Husband: Little bunny Foo Foo was hopping through the forest, picking up field mice and "TICKLING THEM ON THE RIBS"!!!   ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!?

Me: LOL OK not pulling her from school.

Husband: Field mice don't get tickled on the GD ribs!  They get bopped on the GD head! In fact, bop the shit out of that little fuckers head!!!!! FFS!  They are robbing her of her childhood violence!

Me: Yes, because she needs to like dead bodies MORE than she already does.

Chicco thinks of everything!

So I got a great deal on a new Chicco Cortina travel system for #2 at Target's Labor Day sale. I hated Lil Fella's stroller with a passion because Graco did not design the Metrolite for 6 foot tall parents. So the new stroller came today and after I got it all assembled I was showing Husband that I could power walk behind it without kicking the bottom.

Husband: Does it have a hobbit setting for me?

Me: Yep, exhibit A.

Husband: What's that thingy on the handle?

Me: That's the accessory tray, for a drink and what not.

Husband: It's got a beer holder?! Sweet!

Me: Yeah, sure.

Husband: Hey look! It's even got an ash tray! A beer holder AND an ashtray! You're right honey. This is the perfect stroller!

Music

I was playing Kasey Musgraves album in the office while Lil Fella was still eating dinner

Husband: What the hell is this? Who said you could listen to this?

Me: Umm, I did... it's my office too jerknuts

Lil Fella walks in with her hands over her ears

Husband: Yeah! This is NOT pretty music is it Lil Fella?!

Lil Fella: No, it is! But it's too loud!!

Husband: Ugh. If this is too loud, you're too old.

Earrings

Lil Fella: Grandma said she can fix my earring.

Me: Well probably not, it doesn't have a flat back to glue the flower on, it's just a post, so it will wiggle too much and break again.

Husband: Yeah honey, Daddy used to have one like that.

Lil Fella: YOU HAD BLUE FLOWER EARRINGS?!