Saturday, December 6, 2014

California Queens

Lil' Fella: Mommy, do you and Daddy have a Queen bed or a King bed?

Me: A queen, Grandma and Gaga have a king size.

Lil' Fella: So there's queen sized and king sized.

Me: Yep, and you have a full sized.

Husband: There's also a California King size

Lil' Fella: Are there California Queens?

Husband: Yep, they come from San Francisco.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014


Lil Fella: Daddy, can you cut me a lightening bolt?

Husband: I can draw you a lightening bolt and you can cut it out.

Lil' Fella: No, I can't cut on the lines, I'm not good at it.

Husband: Sure you can, you cut all the time.

Lil' Fella: I can't! I don't know how!

Husband: You can too! We're not talking about lines of coke here, honey, it's just paper! You can cut it!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Cheese, or lack of it.

Husband: Were you aware that all the cheese you bought at the store is missing? Well, except for the 2 little blocks of it.


There are cheese sticks too.

Husband: I don't know what the hell we'll put on dinner tonight.

Me: There's mozzarella in the back.

Husband: Well that's going on dinner. Plus the rest of the Parmesan. This house gets an S- for it's cheese situation!!
Me: I think you'll survive until I go shopping again. We don't need any emer-cheese

Husband: Not if there is no cheese for a sandwich.  I'll probably die. EMER CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I ate a sandwich without cheese today. It was really good. It tasted like ham!

Husband: What are we, Amish?

Me: Amish eat cheese.



Husband: Oh the horror.  THE HORROR!!!!  Wait until Lil' Fella finds out! Hell even Stinky stopped jumping in his jumper. He said a life without cheese is not a life worth living. That's pretty deep for a baby.

Me: A baby who can't even have cheese yet.

Husband: Well I guess that settles it. The terrorists won.

Me: That's a lot of drama for some cheese honey bun.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


Me: Look! I got cute new crocs today!

Husband: I didn't know those were crocs. I guess you never want to have sex again.

Me: Um, the black shoes I've been wearing for two years are crocs.

Husband: Shit, then clearly our son does not exist. Because this:

Friday, August 1, 2014


Husband: GOD!!!!!!  Google sucks! How can I not find "how much chloroform is safe for a baby"



Husband: YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME GOOGLE!!!!!! I bet Bing knows!

I mean JESUS!  What did you give this kid?  A pot of coffee and a few lines of coke?

Me: LOL no. Titty milk. I didn't even have any caffeine since it was 4:45 AM. You just think about that for a minute while you're crying about being awake at 8.......... I was up at 4:45 AM to feed the baby and then got back up at 5:30 to get ready for work.

Husband: and went to bed at like 11.

Me: mmhmm 11:30!

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Short Pants

Me: My sister is coming over to take us to the park.

Husband: Shit, I better put some pants on then.

Me: Why? She can't see you in your sleep shorts?

Husband: I don't want her to see my balls!

Me: They come to your knees!

Husband: I know! I'm getting older you know! It happens to the best of us.

Thursday, June 12, 2014


Husband: See this- this is the kind of math I like. The kind that doesn't involve actual math.

Me: mmhmm

Husband: You know that's the reason I never went in to video game design or computers right?

Me: Why? Because you hate math?

Husband: Yeah, and those are all math.

Me: Well honey, you shouldn't let math get in the way of your dreams. You make math your bitch!

Husband: You know, I tried that. I really did. Then math said bend over.


Husband: Bite the pillow, I'm going in dry.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

On the Chatterbox

Husband: Oh my god.... Lil Fella did not stop talking the entire way to school. Her teacher took her out of the car and she was still talking to me.

Me: To think, I was worried about her speech delay when she was 18 months and only said cookie.

Husband: She needs her own radio station. WTFM - "The Mabs" Cleveland's home for non stop talk! 100% Commercial free!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Man Boobs

Husband: I think it's going to rain tonight for Meatfest.

Me: Maybe, it's pretty cloudy.

Husband: We should all go in white shirts then and have a wet t-shirt contest. Then when we're done you can rip off your shirt and yell "Woo! Milk shots!"

Me: You are so weird.

Husband: You know that's why men don't have functioning boobs, right? We would totally do that kind of stuff. Somewhere along the line, evolution was all "Let's give that responsibility to women. Men are way too immature."

Me: Or something like that.

Husband: If men had functioning breasts the kid would never get fed and we'd do stuff like squirt it into our friends eyes like "Ha! Got you that time fucker!" or put it in our coffee, it'd be like "Shit, we're out of creamer again... oh well...."

Monday, March 31, 2014

Visiting the midwife

Midwife: So if you'll just undress from the waist down, we'll check your fluids and see what's going on today.
*steps out*

Husband: So... what fluids are we checking? Transmission? Oil level? Washer fluid? Do you need a lube job?

Me: Lol, you should tell that to the midwife.

Husband: Well I was going to... but then I remembered she doesn't know me and she might think I'm retarded.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Tea vs. Coffee

Husband: So when I finished making Lil Fellla's breakfast I went to make coffee and discovered....  "FUCK I'm out!  Thats ok, I'll just make some hot water and make some tea."

Let me tell you something


Me: LOL, make some red bull in the sodastream then.

Husband: Tea makes me want to punch people who can't grow up and drink coffee like a fucking adult.

I was going through the kitchen like some sort of tired angry bear.  But I got lucky and found that instant starbucks stuff.  It's better than fucking tea.

Me: Well Lil' Fella got up and dressed by herself so that should make you happy!

Husband: "Ohhhh look at me I'm fuckface McHipster!  I drink the worlds most popular drink because coffee is too mainstream!  Oh and I like to play with teabags!"

I'm adding tea to my list of movements I am against! So it's number 2.

Me: Oh sweetie, drink your instant coffee and calm down. It'll all be ok in a few minutes.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Snow Day

Me: Everything is closed. You can go back to sleep.

Husband: Is my school closed?

Me: Yep, well morning classes anyway.

Husband: Is Lil' Fella's school closed?

Me: Yep.

Husband: Is Home Depot closed?

Me: Well, I'm pretty sure Home Depot will be open... why?

Husband: Do they deliver Mexicans? I don't feel like clearing the driveway.

Me: I don't think so. You'd have to go all the way to Lorain at least and even then, you'd probably get Puerto Ricans.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Handy Manny

We were sitting in the office while Lil' Fella was watching Handy Manny in the living room....

Me: So who is Manny trying to hook up with?

Husband: Probably the lesbian at the hardware store.

Or Dora.

Me: Ok, Number 1- Dora is like 6, so no and Part B- She's on an entirely different network.

Husband: Don't you judge their culture! Besides... how long has Dora been 6? Like a decade? She's old enough.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Gaspard & Lisa

I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher when Husband turns on the TV. It's still on Lil' Fella's favorite channel and I hear him start talking to the show "Gaspard & Lisa"

Husband: Prostitution!

Me: What? Stop talking to the Disney Jr shows, Honey. 

Husband: Well Lisa said she needed to make money really quickly! 

Me: I feel like prostitution would be an inappropriate theme for the preschool set. 

Husband: I don't know, she's a French bitch, she might be giving $5 handy's down by the bridge! 

Me: Probably not.

"Lisa": Oh no! We're all out of lemons! Now we can't sell lemonade!

Husband: Better start sucking some dick Lisa! It's your only choice! 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


Husband: In other news.... Lil' Fella thinks I did the design on her PopTart frosting because I love her.  I didn't have the heart to tell her they are all like that.

Me: LOL. You're such a good daddy.

Husband: I know, right? AND I did it in her 1st and 2nd favorite colors!


Husband: So Lil' Fella doesn't believe me about how you can't transplant a hand.  I kept explaining it, but she knows better.  Then I brought up Captain Hook and she thinks it wouldn't be too bad to have a hook for a hand. But then I pointed out the flaws in having a hook for a hand...  i.e. eating, scratching your self, going potty, petting animals.... etc.

Me: You don't tell her. 

Monday, January 6, 2014

The Polar Vortex

Husband: You'll probably want the kitchen warm when you get home, won't you?

Me: Jesus honey, it's 2 outside and falling. Don't act like you're hot.

Husband: Oh you know I'm hot honey

Me: Lol, uh huh.

Husband: And it's not 2, stop exaggerating. It's 4.5. BIG difference!

Me: Well, it's 2 here.

Husband: So I shouldn't go take the Christmas lights down then?

Me: Lol, no.

Husband: And you probably want me to tell Lil Fella to come in... because you never let us do what WE want to do.

Me: You did not let her outside.

Husband: She just wanted to make snow angels.  She's only been out there for maybe an hour.

Me: You're such a liar.

Husband: Although she's just been laying there for like the last 10 min.
*5 min pause as I ignore him*
So I should go get her?

Me: Yes honey, absolutely. Turd.

Husband: It takes all the fun out of it when you know I'm not a moron.


Me: Your unborn son has settled very uncomfortably into the right half of my uterus on top of the pokey out bone. It's all crampy.

Husband: Is that the medical name for that bone?

Me: Yeah, probs. #TotesMcGotes

Me: The iliac crest. Did that make it more clear for you?

Husband: It sounds like some dapper gentleman who sips the finest scotch while planning how to make his next 10 million.


Husband: I don't like him! You better not be banging him.

Me: The important part of this little discussion is, it hurts.and he won't get off.

Husband: Well sometimes when I drink too much it takes me a long time to get off.  It must be bad if you're talking to me while you two are going at it.  Try talking dirty a little.  If that fails tell him...oh wait...we're not talking about you sleeping with some rich dude from the UK are we?

Me: LOL. You are so fucked up.

Husband: Me???  You're the one cheating on me!!! At least have him cover some bills or something.  I'm not saying like a hooker, but don't give the milk out for free!