Tuesday, April 30, 2013

On his impending doom

Husband: So I'm probably going to die by the way. Just so you know.

Me: Oh really? Why is that?

Husband: I just ate half of a raw cheeseburger for breakfast. And a Dr Pepper 10.

Me: 1) Why did you eat a raw cheeseburger from the chow hall in Crapistan? B) You're probably not going to die.

Husband: I was hungry and it was all they had. The Dr Pepper 10 was good though.

Me: I would say #firstworldproblems but I'm pretty sure Crapistan is not considered "first world". If you start crapping yourself, go see the medic.

Husband: Yeah, and I'll show him my vagina while I'm there... men don't go to the doctor for food poisoning!

Ol' Beardy

Husband: Hey honey, I just emailed you some SEXY TIME pics of me to tide you over til I get home! :)

(This was the email):

Now come on honey, are you SURE you don't like the beard? I look like a fat Obi-Wan from Episodes 1-3.

You know it's getting you all worked up.

My reply:

I'm not going to say you should shave that off immediately... I'm just going to say it makes your head look like a pumpkin. Love you too

Monday, April 29, 2013

On my DIY skills

Husband: So I was bragging to some of my friends out here how you were replastering Lil Fella's room when one of the DBags I can't stand said "Tell her not to use joint compound, it's almost impossible to get smooth!" I wanted to give him a face punch.

Me: Lol

Husband: Instead I replied "Just because she doesn't have a penis doesn't mean she's retarded"

Me: I'm a damn genius. And more handy than most men I know.

Husband: Lol, then he looked down at the ground and mumbled something about how he had done that before.


Husband: So I pulled out my cigarette and said "Reason #38 why I married my wife, she smarter than a rock"

On shopping for unmentionables

Husband: Do places like Victoria's Secret and Fredrick's of Hollywood just make shit up for women's sizes?
Me: What do you mean?
Husband: Well like stockings for instance, A, B, C or D.
Me: There's a chart- it's very complicated, based on height and weight.
Husband: It's a freaking leg! Do it in inches!
Me: I think the better question is; why are you shopping for stockings? Are you forgetting to tell me something? Like when you started cross dressing for instance?
Husband: LOL no honey. They don't make anything in gray or blue three button pullover.
Me: Well I'm relieved you're not suddenly wearing stockings under your pants.
Husband: I mean geez, how far out of my comfort zone do you expect me to step? I did see a nice four button polo shirt I liked but I thought the fourth button might make me look a little slutty.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

On my unmentionables

Me: Today is a momentous occasion.
Husband: Um ok?
Me: You know, the stack that has been on my dresser since you left 3 months ago? I know its been there that long because it had underwear in it that I only where when you're home.
Husband: LOL, wait- you have underwear you wear only for me?
Me: Well duh...
Husband: I guess that came out wrong YOU HAVE SEXY TIME PANTIES??
Me: Well since apparently you never noticed, I'm throwing them out.
Husband: I blame you.
Me: ME?
Husband: Yes ma'am totally your fault. By the time I got you down to your panties you could be wearing a bear suit and I doubt I'd notice.
Me: I'm never buying lingerie again then.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

To Lil Fella

Lil Fella came up with this complicated story line today about vampires. Husband was hiding around a corner and scaring her followed by mass amounts of tickling until finally we turned her into a vampire. Then she decided that we were the kids and she was the Daddy Vampire

Husband: Who do you think you are making up stories like this? Anne Frank??


Oh, I'm going to hell.

Me: Good thing we don't subscribe to that theory.

On Subarus

Husband: So what kind of loaner did they give you?
Me: A Subaru Forester
Husband: How do you like it?
Me: Meh, you know how I feel about SUVs.
Husband: Everyone I know that has a Subaru likes them. I just never liked the name. It's like a gay kangaroo. A gay kangaroo who is doing SUPER!
Me: Holy crap, you're a weirdo :)

Friday, April 26, 2013

On Scrabble again

Husband: Lol, I'm such a child.
Me: Why?
Husband: Well I have my word for Scrabble narrowed down to mica
Me: Oh honey :)
Husband: The fight in my head is "Mica is worth more points, but cum is much more AWESOME!!!!"
Husband: Like I said, I'm a 12 year old boy.

On Lil Fella's clothing choice

Me: I was impressed with Lil Fella's clothing choices this morning, I mean yeah, I probably wouldn't have gone with red EVERYTHING but at least it matches, is appropriate for the weather and doesn't include her Blue Deuce shirt.
Husband: Yeah I can't pull that off.
Me: What picking your own clothes?
Husband No! Wearing all red! I mean, if I were to walk down the street wearing all red, people would be following me yelling "Hey, KoolAid!"

Thursday, April 25, 2013

On my future sister wife

Husband: I think Kate wants an Asian sister wife
Husband's friend: Dude, you'd be lucky as hell, she could be the wife in charge of the budget and taxes since she'd be awesome at math and shit. 
Husband: That's racist as hell, Kate would only ask her to do her nails. 
Husband's friend: HOLY SHIT! I think I just peed myself! You're not serious are you?!
Husband: At home, Kate's in charge. If she wants a sister wife and won't cut my junk off when I knock both of them up I guess I'm fine with it.

Lol, I'm just fucking with you dude. 

*Disclaimer* I am not now, nor have I ever been looking for a sister wife. I read a lot of books about the FLDS and other polygamous cults and this leads to these types of discussions.

On his favorite sandals

Husband: Today is a very sad day that will not be soon forgotten. We all need to have a moment of silence as the world mourns the loss of my nipple shoes. They were great "Jap Slaps" and will probably never be truly replaced. Now I know you're very upset at this news and are probably yelling to the sky like I did "WHY GOD... why?!?!" Just remember I love you very much and I think we can make it through these hard times... Stay strong and if you need to talk I'll be here.

These were the "Nipple Shoes":
I hated them because they shed the little "massaging bumps" all over the floor all the time. Lil Fella was crawling when he first got them and I was constantly taking them away from her.

(This was an email he sent while he was in the 'stan)

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

On Star Wars

Husband: So your sister got me the Blu-ray Star Wars saga for Christmas. Now I can brainwash Lil Fella in HD and remastered 5.1 AWESOME sound!!
Me: Yeah but you already have them all on DVD.
Husband: I also have them all on VHS! I fail to see your point!
Me: And if a marathon came on TV you'd probably sit there all 12 hours and watch them all.
Husband: And.....?
Me: Why watch them on TV if you have them in every format available when there are commercials on TV?
Husband: Shhh, just let it happen...
Hey! Maybe Lil Fella and I can watch them on VHS and then on Blu-ray and play spot the differences!

On Distilling

Husband: Hey, do you have a pressure canner to can your vegetables with?

Because I was thinking we should get one.

So you can can stuff.

Not so I can turn it in to a still when you're not using it! GEEZ!

Me: Yes, I have a pressure canner.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

On me

Me: You think my tractor's sexy, don't you.
Husband: Are you wearing that one black dress while you're driving it? Because then I'd think you were sexy ON the tractor.
Me: Ha! Please, I'm always sexy!
Husband: That's a true story most of the time. Except when you've been out working in the garden or something. Then I might have to downgrade you to "hot".
Me: Like sweating my non existent balls off hot? Because I'll give you that one.

On planning Lil Fella's future

Husband: Do you think 3 is old enough for her own Power Wheels?
Me: Maybe... if you don't pimp her ride.
Husband: I would never! Maybe just tweak a little.
Me: uh huh...
Husband: I would probably just upgrade the battery, not more power just a longer run time. But honestly, we've got to get her started soon so she can move up to Go Karts by 5 or 6 and NASCAR by 16.
Me: Gaga has her hooked on NASCAR already.
Husband: I know :(

Monday, April 22, 2013

On making cider

Husband: Is there anywhere I can get 100% pure apple squeezings? You know, without preservatives and whatnot?
Me: No they can't sell it without preservative, that shit is a haven for listeria. You know I have an apple orchard at Gaga's right?
Husband: Yeah but we don't have a press or anything. #9 on my list of shit I want to do while I'm home is make my own booze. Hard cider is supposedly easy to make.
Me: Well I was planning on getting a press. We're going to need one when all the baby trees I just planted start bearing fruit.
Husband: Well I could just buy a few bags of apples and a mallet. But I'll probably just sit and drink beer with your dad and brother and talk about doing all that stuff.
Me: If I were a betting woman, that's where I'd put my money.
Husband: There's probably an attachment for our tractor for that. I looked that shit up, you weren't kidding, they make a shitload of stuff for that!
I can see the conversation now, after like 8 beers:
      Your dad: You know, we have all that wood and machines, we could just make a press.
      Your brother: You can get one at Worchester's for like two grand.
      Me: Why don't I just go buy some hard cider?
Me: Lol, yeah you're probably right.

On Scrabble

Husband: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BATTIO IS NOT A WORD?!! It's like the back part of your patio!! It's like a patio for bats!!!
Me: So what did you really play?
Husband: Bat.
Me: Good one, honey.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

On being an extra

Husband: Damn! I wish I had known about the casting call for Captain America today!
Me: So you could go stand in the rain/sleet all morning to walk around the streets of Cleveland on camera?
Husband: I think I would make a damn good extra

And then I would get discovered.

And then we'd be rich.

And then all the Hollywood starlets would be trying to get with me.

And then Sandra Bullock would be all "I need you on top of me crushing me right now!"

And then I'd be all "No, I have a wife... oh wait! You're one of my three! Fuck yeah!"

Me: I never got to add a third after Heath Ledger died. That's bullshit.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

On Daughters self inflicted hair cut

So this morning daughter fucked up her hair with scissors and gave herself stupid looking bangs. Observe:

Husband: I think we need to embrace her new hair cut.
Me: No, she looks stupid.
Husband: No we need to MOHAWK THAT SHIT! Two days of a fucked up mohawk and I guarantee she'll never touch scissors again.

On cropdusting former Presidents

Husband: So my flight got delayed because some crazy old man wanted to meet me and tell me how AWESOME I am!
Me: Um, ok?
Husband: You have no idea who that is, do you?
Me: No?
Husband: It's Jimmy Carter
Me: Oh, ok. So... your flight wasn't really delayed because he wanted to meet you.
Husband: No. And IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING he was making a strange face because about ten seconds before that picture was taken, I MAY HAVE let out some VERY bad gas.
Husband: So now I can check that off my bucket list. #3 Crop dust a president.

On this blog

Convo between Husband and my BFF

Husband: So I don't know if you heard, but Kate started a blog about the shit I say. I hear it's funny, but I don't see it.
BFF: Why not? It's funny and you sir, are hilarious! I love Kate's blogs!
Husband: Oh, when I first read that I thought you said "I love Kate's boobs" and I was gonna say ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BFF: She does have some nice knockers, thus why I'm friends with her :)

Friday, April 19, 2013

On remarriage

Me: I woke up with a nosebleed this morning. I'm pretty sure it's nostril cancer. I'm probably going to die, so you better get this single father thing down.
Husband: LOL OH no honey. If you die I'm going to remarry very quickly. But before you take it the wrong way, I'm going to marry a hot gay chick.
Me: Lame. I do not accept this. I expect a full year of formal mourning. Black every day. Followed by another 6 months of half mourning. Then maybe you can date.
Husband: Oh right, because you'd do that for me.
Me: I totally would!
Husband: Nope sorry, Tim already sold me on the idea of it.
Me: Well if Tim said it.... by all means.
Husband: He posted these funny ass pro gay videos. You should check them out. Anyway, if I die, I'm totally fine with you marrying a gay dude the next day. In fact, if I'm on my death bed, bring him in. I'd like to meet him.
Me: I wouldn't marry a gay dude, I probably wouldn't remarry at all. I'd become a crazy craft/ animal lady who makes sweaters out of her dogs fur.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

On cheese sticks

Husband: OMG we have a HUGE problem!
Me: What?
Husband: We're all out of cheese sticks!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I hardly think that's a crisis.
Husband: I blame Obama and his anti-cheese stick communist agenda! We didn't have a cheese stick shortage 4 years ago!!!
Me: You didn't have a cheese stick addiction 4 years ago.
Husband: Well I did, but I was off fighting HIS war!
Me: mmmhmmm
Husband: My buddies and I didn't die face down in the muck so he could send our cheese sticks along with our jobs to other countries!!!
Me: Are you done?
Husband: Yeah I guess. So can you stop at the store on the way home and get me some cheese sticks? We're out.

On my wishlist

Me: I really want this floss organizer http://www.herrschners.com/product.aspx?sku=320004&sk=floss+flos+organizer+
Husband: Ummm ok, but why do you need to organize floss? I thought you couldn't even use floss with braces.
Me: EMBROIDERY floss, honey, not dental.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

On License Plate renewal

Husband: Fuck. I just noticed something else I failed on.
Me: What?
Husband: Ok, but don't beat me. I just noticed I didn't renew my plates on my birthday.
Me: I did them months ago.
Husband: So I need to go take care of that.
Me: And I gave you the sticker.
Husband: Wait, what?
Me: I renewed the plates for your car in like October.
Husband: You did.
Me: I did.
Husband: Fuck. So the sticker is on my desk somewhere? Fuck.

On large size pants at Old Navy

Husband: Old Navy = POOP. Bunch of fascists!
Me: They're the only ones who make jeans long enough for me.
Husband: I used to like them because they fit me how I liked but you know what size they stop at? 34! Sometimes if you're lucky you can find a 36!
Me: Well they have women's sizes to 20, and the tall shop but it's only online. The long length available at the store is only a 34" inseam but the talls online are a 36" inseam. After allowing 1.5 inches for shrinkage, the talls are perfect for me.
Husband: Know what pant size I wore when we met? 36! Bunch of fat hatin', hipster, trendy ass clowns!
Me: Um, I just looked online and they have mens sizes to 48.
Husband: ..... FUCK THEM!

On the drop off line

Husband: VICTORY!!!!!!! I got that D-Bag mofo today!!!!!!!
Me: Who?
Husband: The most hated dad in Daughter's class
Me: Oh honey, what did you do?
Husband: Pulled his own move on him, having three car lengths between me and the next car. I just wanted to get out of my car and yell HA! IN YOUR FACE DOUCHEBAG!
Me: Did he even notice?
Husband: I'm sure he noticed when he had to park across the street until I moved up. The best part was as soon as he gave up and went across the street another parent pulled in and I moved up.
Me: Damn you're a dick.

On my hair

Husband: So I used your brush this morning because I didn't feel like digging my comb out. I think we need to talk about your massive hair loss.
Me: Lol, it's ok. I have plenty
Husband: It was a LOT of hair
Me: Trust me it's fine, I just haven't cleaned my brush out in like three weeks.
Husband: Well, if you go bald I won't leave you. BUT you may get a sister wife.
Me: Only if it's Vanessa.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

On the night we met

Husband: I want you to spawn my army of darkness.
Me: Best pick up line- EVER!

On Mickey Mouse

Daughter: Daddy! I'm going to miss Mickey Mouse Clubhouse while we eat dinner!
Me: Daddy can pause it.
Husband: Yeah... how old is Mickey Mouse? 83! I don't know how I feel about an 83 year old inviting my daughter in to his clubhouse. It's a little creepy. I might have to email Disney about that.

On a new face serum I made

Me: So did you try the new serum I made?
Husband: Honestly, (and I'm not just saying this for a better chance at intercourse) I really liked it. I didn't like it in my face pubes at first but once it dried, I didn't even notice. Well I notice that my face feels clean much longer after my shower.
Me: So I should make more then?
Husband: I would actually buy that product, and you know how I feel about buying girly stuff to make me even more pretty.

Everybody Corn!

Husband: BTdubbs. If you ever want to see something funny, be there at the store when Daughter gets excited about corn and yells "EVERYBODY CORN!!!!" in the middle of the store. LOL The looks people give her, then you, are very funny.
Husband: Lol, yeah- we probably got the odd looks because she wasn't the only one yelling it.

On Preschool Parents

Important note: Preschool handbook says to NOT send anything for the kids birthdays, save parties for home.

Husband: Daughters classmates' parents are assholes.
Me: Why?
Husband: I guess it was her birthday or some shit. Her parents sent a bunch of crap to school, like party hats and shit. 
Me: Dicks.
Husband: ONE of those things was one of those damn noisemakers that you blow in to. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? WHAT DO YOU THINK DAUGHTER WANTS TO DO NON STOP?
Me: Lol, of course.
Husband: I swear I want to send Daughter to school with a bunch of rape whistles for Easter or some shit. Fuckers. 

On spring break

Husband: WOOHOO!!! SPRING BREAK BITCHES!!!!!!! LOOK AT MY TITTIES!!!!!!!!! Ohhh cold rain, never mind bitches, maybe tomorrow.
Me: Hey, don't forget you need to call the body shop to get your mirror fixed.
Husband: Oh right, I do need to call them, thanks for the reminder. BUT FIRST! I must flash all the animals my titties and scream "SPRING BREAK BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(I have no doubt he actually did this)

On our mouse problem

I planted my seeds for my garden in the basement this year instead of buying plants at the greenhouse. I didn't realize until I planted that our cellar had a few mice in it because they dug up and ate all my seeds. Husband bought me some traps and I set them up and waited for the carnage. The next morning:

Husband: I just went downstairs to switch my laundry over. Your mouse left you a note.
Me: In blood or peanut butter?
Husband: It said, Dear Human, Thanks for all the peanut butter, I love it. If you were trying to kill me, go fuck yourself.
Me: Bastard!
Husband: Oh no honey, you don't understand. All six traps were stripped clean and not even moved. I think you need to get me involved.

On cooking

Husband: So, if a recipe calls for half of a boneless skinless chicken breast, that just means one chicken titty right?

On Too Skinny Models

I posted a link to this article on my G+ page: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2042345/Gaunt-model-shocks-Gianfranco-Ferr-Milan-fashion-show.html in response to my brother's statement that nobody was too thin.

Me: Did you see my "Too Fucking Skinny" article I posted?
Husband: Yeah, it was really hard to jerk off to, but that lifeless look on her face really helped.
Me: You're horrible.
Husband: I bet her boobs look like balloons a year after they were inflated.
Me: Dude, she wasn't even the worst one. It's nasty out there in the model world.
Husband: NO WAY! Skinny = HOT, Super Skinny = SUPER HOT, Auschwitz= SEXY OVERLOAD!
Husband: Hey sexy momma, I love the way your skin hangs off your coccyx like that!
Husband: They would make great dates for med students though.

On my yarn stash

Me: One of my friends posted this morning that she was out of yarn. I said that was impossible.
Husband: LOL, I think the last words I would ever hear you say are "I'm out of yarn"
Me: I know, right?
Husband: In fact, I should have made the officiant add that to our vows at our wedding. "I vow to love you more than my yarn". But I wouldn't want you to lie in front of god and everyone.
Me: It would be almost as absurd if you said "I'll never watch porn again"

Welcome to the shit my husband says!

My husband is a funny guy. It's a good part of the reason we've stuck together through some pretty challenging times including a surprise baby and like three years apart while he was in the middle east. Well and we're both stubborn fucks. So anyway, he doesn't always MEAN to be funny, but he says something to crack me up at least once a day. If he wasn't funny enough on his own, the combination of him and our 4 year old daughter is unstoppable.

Here is some of the shit he has said in the past:

Disney Jr channel plays this short song by Choo Choo Soul about how vegetables give you superpowers and Husband HATES it- probably because it comes on all the time. Anyway, it came on while he was cooking dinner last night and he just yelled "God damn it! Vegetables do not give me superpowers! They give me gas!"

Husband to my dad: Hey, I need to come borrow the ladder. For SOME REASON, Kate has decided we NEED to take down the Christmas decorations today.
Me: Yeah, maybe because it's APRIL.

Husband: We really need some tongs, I'm tired of trying to turn food with a spatula.
Me: Well, you have tongs for your grill.
Husband: No! Those are the worst tongs ever of all time!
Me: Tough shit.
Husband: *Breaks into song (to the tune of the Thong Song)* TONGS, TONGS TONGS TONGS TONGS!

I was telling Husband about an issue I'm was having at work getting helpful information out of the "Creative Dept" to make the products look like what they want to look like. 
Me: So they told me that the glosses didn't look "prestigy" enough. So I was like "WTF does prestigy mean?" "Fucking artists."
Husband: Ok don't get pissed, but when you said "they didn't look "prestigy" enough" I was thinking a deeper more vibrant color maybe with just enough sparkle (like off of gold or diamonds) to make it pop out at you to slap you in the face saying "hey mo-fo, I'm here and worth it"
Me: I repeat- fucking artists.

Daughter was building molecules out of my molecular modeling kit
Husband: Aww, look honey, you made a doggy!
Daughter: That's not a doggy Daddy! That's propane!

There is more but that's all I have time for now. Stay tuned.