Welcome to the shit my husband says!

My husband is a funny guy. It's a good part of the reason we've stuck together through some pretty challenging times including a surprise baby and like three years apart while he was in the middle east. Well and we're both stubborn fucks. So anyway, he doesn't always MEAN to be funny, but he says something to crack me up at least once a day. If he wasn't funny enough on his own, the combination of him and our 4 year old daughter is unstoppable.

Here is some of the shit he has said in the past:

Disney Jr channel plays this short song by Choo Choo Soul about how vegetables give you superpowers and Husband HATES it- probably because it comes on all the time. Anyway, it came on while he was cooking dinner last night and he just yelled "God damn it! Vegetables do not give me superpowers! They give me gas!"

Husband to my dad: Hey, I need to come borrow the ladder. For SOME REASON, Kate has decided we NEED to take down the Christmas decorations today.
Me: Yeah, maybe because it's APRIL.

Husband: We really need some tongs, I'm tired of trying to turn food with a spatula.
Me: Well, you have tongs for your grill.
Husband: No! Those are the worst tongs ever of all time!
Me: Tough shit.
Husband: *Breaks into song (to the tune of the Thong Song)* TONGS, TONGS TONGS TONGS TONGS!


I was telling Husband about an issue I'm was having at work getting helpful information out of the "Creative Dept" to make the products look like what they want to look like. 
Me: So they told me that the glosses didn't look "prestigy" enough. So I was like "WTF does prestigy mean?" "Fucking artists."
Husband: Ok don't get pissed, but when you said "they didn't look "prestigy" enough" I was thinking a deeper more vibrant color maybe with just enough sparkle (like off of gold or diamonds) to make it pop out at you to slap you in the face saying "hey mo-fo, I'm here and worth it"
Me: I repeat- fucking artists.

Daughter was building molecules out of my molecular modeling kit
Husband: Aww, look honey, you made a doggy!
Daughter: That's not a doggy Daddy! That's propane!

There is more but that's all I have time for now. Stay tuned.