Me: Your unborn son has settled very uncomfortably into the right half of my uterus on top of the pokey out bone. It's all crampy.
Husband: Is that the medical name for that bone?
Me: Yeah, probs. #TotesMcGotes
Me: The iliac crest. Did that make it more clear for you?
Husband: It sounds like some dapper gentleman who sips the finest scotch while planning how to make his next 10 million.
Husband: I don't like him! You better not be banging him.
Me: The important part of this little discussion is, it hurts.and he won't get off.
Husband: Well sometimes when I drink too much it takes me a long time to get off. It must be bad if you're talking to me while you two are going at it. Try talking dirty a little. If that fails tell him...oh wait...we're not talking about you sleeping with some rich dude from the UK are we?
Me: LOL. You are so fucked up.
Husband: Me??? You're the one cheating on me!!! At least have him cover some bills or something. I'm not saying like a hooker, but don't give the milk out for free!