We have a large flock of wild turkeys that roam our neighborhood, mostly because the Cat Kingdom put out corn for them. They are almost as obnoxious as the herds of deer wandering through the backyard.
Husband: So check out the nerve of this GD turkey. I'm leaving to go get Lil Fella. I'm sort of on the late side so I'm in a hurry. I get out to my car and I hear this weird noise like a pigeon or something. I'm thinking to myself "God damn it, if there is a damn bird under my car and it flies in when I open the door I'm going to be pissed..and probably late." So as I open the door the thing gets louder. I look across my hood and see a fucking turkey head just looking at me like "What's up bro?" So I do what any normal person would do and tell the turkey to go fuck his face and get the hell away from my car. So this asshole must have bad English skills because he thinks I said "Come at me bro!" so he waddles his stupid fucking turkey face over to me and gets all puffy. That's when I thought "I could snatch this fucker up, break its neck and toss it in the yard for when I get back." But that was no good because I had to leave right then! Then I was thinking of putting it in my trunk and taking it to grandma's after picking up Lil Fella, but I know your mom has to work later and won't have time fo' dat. So I tell the turkey he's fucking lucky I'm late or else he'd be in the freezer. I guess to a turkey that means "Hey, go stand in front of my car." So as I am starting my car and putting it in gear his stupid fucking face is looking at me and making some stupid fucking turkey noise from the front of my car. Anyway, to make a long story short, I failed at getting Thanksgiving dinner again.
Me: Honey, you're crazy.