Sports

Husband: (talking to his computer) Now see, that's a matter of opinion. You can't call David Beckham the greatest athlete in the world when all he plays is stupid soccer.

Hell, I could be the greatest athlete in the world if masturbation was considered a sport!

Zero Dark Thirty: Tickling Version

Husband and I were laying in bed when Lil Fella came in to snuggle.

Me: Why is there crayon on your lip?

Lil Fella: I don't know!

Me: Were you eating crayons?

Lil Fella: No! I promise!

Husband: Let's tickleboard her!

Lil Fella: (High pitched shriek) No! I WASN'T EATING CRAYONS! I SWEAR!!!!!

Husband: Looks like she needs more tickling! Where is Osama bin Laden?! Who is Abu Ahmed?! 

Lil Fella: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE! I DIDN'T EAT ANY CRAYONS!

Husband: When you lie to us, we tickle you! 

Lil Fella: I'm not lying! I promise!

Husband: You'll break, Lil Fella, every one breaks eventually.

Beer

Lil Fella: What are you doing, Daddy?

Oh you're getting a beer?

Oh you're getting ANOTHER beer?

Do you really need three beers?

Husband: What are you? My wife?

Mr. Scruffles

My sister and brother-in-law are stationed in Germany and they adopted a cat named Mr. Scruffles while over there. He's a killer.

Me: I told her she should bring Mr. Scruffles here when they come visit next month so he can take care of our massive chipmunk population. She said no.

Husband: Well it would probably be stressful on the lil fella. Hey wait! Scruffles is a German cat, isn't he? When they move back here they're going to bring him and he's going to run out and hook up with some harlot American feral cat and then they're going to drop a bunch of anchor babies so he can stay! THIS CANNOT STAND!

Me: It's ok, Honey, Scruffles is neutered.