Gaspard & Lisa

I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher when Husband turns on the TV. It's still on Lil' Fella's favorite channel and I hear him start talking to the show "Gaspard & Lisa"

Husband: Prostitution!

Me: What? Stop talking to the Disney Jr shows, Honey. 

Husband: Well Lisa said she needed to make money really quickly! 

Me: I feel like prostitution would be an inappropriate theme for the preschool set. 

Husband: I don't know, she's a French bitch, she might be giving $5 handy's down by the bridge! 

Me: Probably not.

"Lisa": Oh no! We're all out of lemons! Now we can't sell lemonade!

Husband: Better start sucking some dick Lisa! It's your only choice! 

Parenting

Husband: In other news.... Lil' Fella thinks I did the design on her PopTart frosting because I love her.  I didn't have the heart to tell her they are all like that.

Me: LOL. You're such a good daddy.

Husband: I know, right? AND I did it in her 1st and 2nd favorite colors!

Later

Husband: So Lil' Fella doesn't believe me about how you can't transplant a hand.  I kept explaining it, but she knows better.  Then I brought up Captain Hook and she thinks it wouldn't be too bad to have a hook for a hand. But then I pointed out the flaws in having a hook for a hand...  i.e. eating, scratching your self, going potty, petting animals.... etc.

Me: You don't tell her. 

The Polar Vortex

Husband: You'll probably want the kitchen warm when you get home, won't you?

Me: Jesus honey, it's 2 outside and falling. Don't act like you're hot.

Husband: Oh you know I'm hot honey

Me: Lol, uh huh.

Husband: And it's not 2, stop exaggerating. It's 4.5. BIG difference!

Me: Well, it's 2 here.

Husband: So I shouldn't go take the Christmas lights down then?

Me: Lol, no.

Husband: And you probably want me to tell Lil Fella to come in... because you never let us do what WE want to do.

Me: You did not let her outside.

Husband: She just wanted to make snow angels.  She's only been out there for maybe an hour.

Me: You're such a liar.

Husband: Although she's just been laying there for like the last 10 min.
*5 min pause as I ignore him*
So I should go get her?

Me: Yes honey, absolutely. Turd.

Husband: It takes all the fun out of it when you know I'm not a moron.

Anatomy

Me: Your unborn son has settled very uncomfortably into the right half of my uterus on top of the pokey out bone. It's all crampy.

Husband: Is that the medical name for that bone?

Me: Yeah, probs. #TotesMcGotes

Me: The iliac crest. Did that make it more clear for you?

Husband: It sounds like some dapper gentleman who sips the finest scotch while planning how to make his next 10 million.

Me: LOL

Husband: I don't like him! You better not be banging him.

Me: The important part of this little discussion is, it hurts.and he won't get off.

Husband: Well sometimes when I drink too much it takes me a long time to get off.  It must be bad if you're talking to me while you two are going at it.  Try talking dirty a little.  If that fails tell him...oh wait...we're not talking about you sleeping with some rich dude from the UK are we?

Me: LOL. You are so fucked up.

Husband: Me???  You're the one cheating on me!!! At least have him cover some bills or something.  I'm not saying like a hooker, but don't give the milk out for free!