Husband: Cheerios give me gas.
Me: Omg, they do not. EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET DOES NOT GIVE YOU GAS, IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!
Husband: They do! Because they've got holes in them!
Me: What the hell do you think chewing your food is for?! Jesus, I think that's the dumbest thing you've ever said!
Husband: No! They do! And it's not the dumbest thing I've ever said! You want to know the dumbest thing I've ever said?!
Me: Absolutely.
Husband: This morning, I went out to get in the car and that thistle that was by the door didn't spike me and my first thought was "Who stopped by and weeded?" So I don't know if someone stopped by last night and did some stealth weeding, or if you weeded days ago and I didn't notice until this morning.
Me: No, Cheerios giving you gas because there's a hole in the middle is dumber.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
More Effort
Me: I put Lil Fella's school calendar right here on the fridge so you can know at a glance the days she has off and the days that there is stuff we have to do.
Husband: We're not doing any of that extra stuff.
Me: Yes we are, I told you, we're going to make a concerted effort to stop being the antisocial assholes of her school.
Husband: I never agreed to that. I'm perfectly happy being an antisocial asshole!
Husband: We're not doing any of that extra stuff.
Me: Yes we are, I told you, we're going to make a concerted effort to stop being the antisocial assholes of her school.
Husband: I never agreed to that. I'm perfectly happy being an antisocial asshole!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Texting
Husband: Oh my god, I am so glad I checked that before hitting send.
Me: Hm?
Husband: I was sending BFF a text and before I sent it I double checked and I was actually sending it to our neighbor.
I'm pretty sure she would be offend if I called her "Fuckface", "Fatass" or told her to eat a bag of dicks.
Me: Yeah... probably.
Me: Hm?
Husband: I was sending BFF a text and before I sent it I double checked and I was actually sending it to our neighbor.
I'm pretty sure she would be offend if I called her "Fuckface", "Fatass" or told her to eat a bag of dicks.
Me: Yeah... probably.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Iron Chef America
Husband: You know, I'm tired of this sissy culinary curveball shit. Like skewers. I mean come on. If they're going to have this culinary curveball, make it something awesome. Like "Hide some razor blades in it!" or cyanide. Make it worth my time!
Friday, August 2, 2013
Money Woes
Husband: I'm thinking your brother and I should go donate sperm so we can buy booze. Good idea or bad idea?
Me: Go for it.
Husband: Well, I just realized that our bro-lo is going to be here and he's never had Cleveland whisky. He needs to try some.
Me: Has the VA sent you your "Sorry for fucking up your life!" money yet?
Husband: No, and I need that money for reasons. Anyway, I don't know where a sperm bank is, and I'm pretty sure I'd be arrested for going door to door trying to sell it. No soliciting laws and what not.... I guess that idea is out.
Me: Go for it.
Husband: Well, I just realized that our bro-lo is going to be here and he's never had Cleveland whisky. He needs to try some.
Me: Has the VA sent you your "Sorry for fucking up your life!" money yet?
Husband: No, and I need that money for reasons. Anyway, I don't know where a sperm bank is, and I'm pretty sure I'd be arrested for going door to door trying to sell it. No soliciting laws and what not.... I guess that idea is out.
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