Parades

Me: God, who watches this crap. This is like the worst parade ever.

Husband: Well honey, everyone loves a parade. Except maybe JFK.


*He said I can't blog this because he stole it, but he can't remember who from so I say it's fair game. And I do what I want.*

How DARE I!

Me: Don't forget to take those papers and tupperwares back to Mom when you pick up Lil Fella today.

Husband: Ok, I'll try and remember to put them in my trunk when I go to class.

Me: There is no try! Do! Or do not.

Husband: How dare you.

Me: Lol what? I can't quote Yoda?

Husband: Ok- 1) It's MASTER Yoda (I think he earned the title) and 2 ....

You'll find out

Me: Lol ok honey.

The Chair

Husband: So Lil' Fella got the chair today at school.

Me: Ooo, first time this year... what did she do this time?

Husband: She had to sit there because she was hugging her friends. "Because she loves them.  And they needed a hug. That's not bad.  I love my friends and have to hug them as hard as I can." Well she got the chair because when the teachers told her to "STOP FUCKING HUGGING EVERYONE YOU GOD DAMN CREEPER!" she wouldn't stop.

Ok, I may have paraphrased that last part.

Me: LOL, I have a hard time picturing The World's Most Patient Teacher saying that.

Husband: Really?  She tells me that every morning when I get out of my car and hug all the "hot" moms.

Me: LOL! Oh honey...

Bacon

Husband: No Kazi! I'm not giving you my bacon!

Me: Yeah Kazi, I'm here, he can't spoil you rotten.

Husband: I do NOT give that cat bacon! You give them bacon one time and they're addicted!

Me: Lol, yeah like how they come running when any can gets opened?

Husband: From there is just one step away from hanging out under bridges, blowing other cats to get his fix. I will not do that to him! NO SIR!

Top 10 Fun Things to do at home alone!

Husband: Well that was a bullshit list!

Me: Hmm?

Husband: I was reading the "Top 10 Fun Things to do at Home Alone" list and masturbation wasn't even on there! I think they're just making this shit up now.

Either that or it's a woman behind it.

College

Husband: Ok, so I have a rough draft to do for English, a speech to write for my HR class, a quiz in math tomorrow I have to study for, and a macro-econ assignment due tomorrow at the start of class. I'm going to go poop and play on my tablet. I think I have this college thing figured out.

Me: Yeah... or something....

Husband: Hmmmm. Maybe I should have said poop WHILE playing on my tablet.  Now it just sounds like I'm just going to take a crap on my tablet and play with it.  Ooooo great idea for a new game!  Angry turds!

Enchiladas

Husband: Tonight we're having enchiladas and you loved those so I know you'll eat.

Lil' Fella: I don't want those! I hate those! Ummm what's an ant-CH-lata?

*walks the the freezer and shows her the box*

Lil' Fella: Silly Daddy! Those are cheese weasels! I love those! Yum, yum, yum!

iPads and Yogurts

Husband: So 2 things- 1) I'm stealing one of your good yogurts with the shit on top and #2 Lil' Fella is pretty pissed at us.

Me: lol, ok and why?

Husband: LOL, Oh because we won't buy her an iPad for her birthday.

Me: LOL, where did she get this idea?

Husband: So she can get that Sophia the First app Disney keeps pushing.

Me: Well tough titties, she HAS a tablet.

Husband: That was one of the reasons I gave her. And that she can't have a pad that on the cheap end costs 2X the price mine.

Me: I'm sorry the Nabi doesn't support Google play yet but she has plenty of apps that are loads of fun from the Amazon app store and Disney are assholes for only making it for Apple.

Husband: PLUS, she can barely take care of the ones she has so a high end one is out of the question. Oh and that it is Apple and "NOT IN THIS HOUSE!"

Me: Indeed, all valid points.

Husband: Your yogurt just splooged in my face when I opened it....  god, now I know how porn stars feel.

Me: LOL!! Oh honey.

Husband: Damn it...  That's going on the blog, isn't it?

Me: FUCK, YES!

Husband: FML, First I catch a money shot from a cup of yogurt and then I get made fun of.  Yep, just like a porn star. At least the yogurt's good.

Snow

This was after the first snow of the season, it was maybe an inch.

Husband: New this year to snow parking rules...  If your car has snow on it but none where you are parking it is totally fine to take up 4 FUCKING SPOTS!!!!!

Me: Lol, sounds legit.

Husband: I think you have to be driving a truck though.

Me: A giant red one.

Husband: So I'm eavesdropping on these two girls talking about driving in the snow. I'm trying REALLY HARD to resist the urge to scream at them.

Me: Yeah. the roads were SUPER BAD this morning   (complete sarcasm, FYI)

Husband: "Oh my god! People are such assholes and bad drivers!  They kept honking and flashing their lights at me on the freeway.  I mean it's snowing! Hello! Jerks!  I'm not going to risk my life and drive above 40 mph on the freeway that is probably frozen just because you didn't leave early."

Me: Lol, GD idiot.

Husband: Other girl..."I know!  This may be my first year driving in the snow, but I know you have to drive safe.  I even made sure I used my blinker!"

I am not making this up!  I think I may have to kill them for the better good for drivers everywhere.

Me: Sounds like a solid conclusion.

Underpants

Husband has been proudly showing me how holey his underwear are getting because he knows it makes me crazy and apparently making me crazy is his hobby. So while he was out of town this weekend I bought him some new underwear.

Me: So I see you're trying out your new underpants. How are they?

Husband: Well... they're fine...

Me: What's wrong with them?

Husband: I'm really out of my comfort zone here, honey.

Me: What? They're boxer briefs!

Husband: They're GREEN!

Me: Oh right, I forgot, you can only wear blue, black or gray. So what about those red ones in the pack?

Husband: NO. RIGHT OUT.

Lil Fella's Birthday Party

I got a box of party supplies for Lil Fella's pirate themed birthday party today.

Me: So here's some pirate swords and eye patches...

Husband: HEY! You know what we should do?! We should have a Somalian pirate party!

Me: OMG honey you're crazy.

Husband: YEAH! We'll send all this stuff back and when they get here we'll open the door in black-face and be like "What? What kind of pirates do you think are around today?!"

Then we'll steal their cars and hold their kids for ransom!

This is going to be the best party ever!