Tea vs. Coffee

Husband: So when I finished making Lil Fellla's breakfast I went to make coffee and discovered....  "FUCK I'm out!  Thats ok, I'll just make some hot water and make some tea."

Let me tell you something

TEA PISSES ME OFF!

Me: LOL, make some red bull in the sodastream then.

Husband: Tea makes me want to punch people who can't grow up and drink coffee like a fucking adult.

I was going through the kitchen like some sort of tired angry bear.  But I got lucky and found that instant starbucks stuff.  It's better than fucking tea.

Me: Well Lil' Fella got up and dressed by herself so that should make you happy!

Husband: "Ohhhh look at me I'm fuckface McHipster!  I drink the worlds most popular drink because coffee is too mainstream!  Oh and I like to play with teabags!"

I'm adding tea to my list of movements I am against! So it's number 2.

Me: Oh sweetie, drink your instant coffee and calm down. It'll all be ok in a few minutes.

Snow Day

Me: Everything is closed. You can go back to sleep.

Husband: Is my school closed?

Me: Yep, well morning classes anyway.

Husband: Is Lil' Fella's school closed?

Me: Yep.

Husband: Is Home Depot closed?

Me: Well, I'm pretty sure Home Depot will be open... why?

Husband: Do they deliver Mexicans? I don't feel like clearing the driveway.

Me: I don't think so. You'd have to go all the way to Lorain at least and even then, you'd probably get Puerto Ricans.

Handy Manny

We were sitting in the office while Lil' Fella was watching Handy Manny in the living room....

Me: So who is Manny trying to hook up with?

Husband: Probably the lesbian at the hardware store.

Or Dora.

Me: Ok, Number 1- Dora is like 6, so no and Part B- She's on an entirely different network.

Husband: Don't you judge their culture! Besides... how long has Dora been 6? Like a decade? She's old enough.

Gaspard & Lisa

I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher when Husband turns on the TV. It's still on Lil' Fella's favorite channel and I hear him start talking to the show "Gaspard & Lisa"

Husband: Prostitution!

Me: What? Stop talking to the Disney Jr shows, Honey. 

Husband: Well Lisa said she needed to make money really quickly! 

Me: I feel like prostitution would be an inappropriate theme for the preschool set. 

Husband: I don't know, she's a French bitch, she might be giving $5 handy's down by the bridge! 

Me: Probably not.

"Lisa": Oh no! We're all out of lemons! Now we can't sell lemonade!

Husband: Better start sucking some dick Lisa! It's your only choice! 

Parenting

Husband: In other news.... Lil' Fella thinks I did the design on her PopTart frosting because I love her.  I didn't have the heart to tell her they are all like that.

Me: LOL. You're such a good daddy.

Husband: I know, right? AND I did it in her 1st and 2nd favorite colors!

Later

Husband: So Lil' Fella doesn't believe me about how you can't transplant a hand.  I kept explaining it, but she knows better.  Then I brought up Captain Hook and she thinks it wouldn't be too bad to have a hook for a hand. But then I pointed out the flaws in having a hook for a hand...  i.e. eating, scratching your self, going potty, petting animals.... etc.

Me: You don't tell her. 

The Polar Vortex

Husband: You'll probably want the kitchen warm when you get home, won't you?

Me: Jesus honey, it's 2 outside and falling. Don't act like you're hot.

Husband: Oh you know I'm hot honey

Me: Lol, uh huh.

Husband: And it's not 2, stop exaggerating. It's 4.5. BIG difference!

Me: Well, it's 2 here.

Husband: So I shouldn't go take the Christmas lights down then?

Me: Lol, no.

Husband: And you probably want me to tell Lil Fella to come in... because you never let us do what WE want to do.

Me: You did not let her outside.

Husband: She just wanted to make snow angels.  She's only been out there for maybe an hour.

Me: You're such a liar.

Husband: Although she's just been laying there for like the last 10 min.
*5 min pause as I ignore him*
So I should go get her?

Me: Yes honey, absolutely. Turd.

Husband: It takes all the fun out of it when you know I'm not a moron.

Anatomy

Me: Your unborn son has settled very uncomfortably into the right half of my uterus on top of the pokey out bone. It's all crampy.

Husband: Is that the medical name for that bone?

Me: Yeah, probs. #TotesMcGotes

Me: The iliac crest. Did that make it more clear for you?

Husband: It sounds like some dapper gentleman who sips the finest scotch while planning how to make his next 10 million.

Me: LOL

Husband: I don't like him! You better not be banging him.

Me: The important part of this little discussion is, it hurts.and he won't get off.

Husband: Well sometimes when I drink too much it takes me a long time to get off.  It must be bad if you're talking to me while you two are going at it.  Try talking dirty a little.  If that fails tell him...oh wait...we're not talking about you sleeping with some rich dude from the UK are we?

Me: LOL. You are so fucked up.

Husband: Me???  You're the one cheating on me!!! At least have him cover some bills or something.  I'm not saying like a hooker, but don't give the milk out for free!

Movies

Husband: (to Lil' Fella) So what did you guys do last night? Play any fun games?

Lil Fella: No, we watched TWO movies- Cinderella and Ariel! (runs away)

Husband: You know, Ariel's not a movie. Areola on the other hand... THAT'S a movie!

Me: Probably not about a Disney Princess.

Husband: Well you never know....

Christmas

Husband: GAWD I hate Christmas!

Me: Why?

Husband: This makes like 4 or 5 days in a row that I've had to talk to my mom. People in Gitmo have to deal with less.

Inflatable Darth Vader

I bought Husband an inflatable Darth Vader as an impulse buy on Black Friday this year. We're doing the outside decor this week so he tested him out in the kitchen. 

Husband: Look honey! It's a giant inflatable Darth Vader penis!

Me: No it's not, it looks like Darth Vader.

Husband: No look, see, his feet are the balls his body is the shaft and his head and helmet is the head!

Me: Maybe if you squint.

Husband: OK, so where do you want him? In the bedroom for sexy time?

Me: Why would I want an inflatable Darth Vader watching me during sexy time?

Husband: Mood lighting! From his light saber!

Shakira

I was trying to stretch out my pelvis to relieve some of the pain when Lil Fella walked in and asked me what I was doing.

Me: My pelvis hurts honey, I'm trying to stretch it out.

Husband: Yeah, you know, before Mommy was pregnant with you she could move her hips like Shakira!

Me: HAHAHA, you know that's a lie. Show her a Shakira video.

Husband: I don't think that's appropriate for a 5 year old!

Me: It's just dancing, she's seen the latin dancers on So You Think You Can Dance.

Husband: I had to stop watching Shakira videos back in AIT.

Me: Why?

Husband: Shakira videos lead to spontaneous masturbation!

Christmas

Husband: Dude, you're so mad right now.  Shouldn't you be done with Christmas by now?  It's almost time to start shopping for next year!

Me: I'm just saying. There are still 23 days before Christmas.

Husband: 23 days honey!!! 23!!  That's hardly enough time to do everything that needs done for the lord!

Me: Lord jesus please help me not to murder people this holiday season...

Husband: It's bad enough we had to lose 6 days because of stupid Thanksgiving!!!!  I've got shit to do people so fuck off and get the fuck out of my way!!!!  If I don't get these fucking lights up and these god damn cookies done god will smite me!

Me: lol

Husband: Peace on earth and good will toward men will have to wait until I get these fucking Furbies wrapped and under the tree!!!!

Me: Lol goddamn honey, your son is pressing on my bladder 24/7 and I can't pee my pants at work.

Husband: Well if you would have listened to me months ago and let me keep up the lights and shit we'd be ahead right now! But nnnnoooooooooooo!!!  You didn't want to look trashy!

Me: Lol, right

Husband: Its only trashy 8 months out of the year. Don't forget to get corned beef at the store this week, we need to get ready for New Years. Oh, and BTW I'll be going to the fireworks store next week to get shit for the 4th of July

Me: Corned beef is St Patty's Day. New Years is standing rib roast.

Husband: Well get them both!

Me: lol ok

Parades

Me: God, who watches this crap. This is like the worst parade ever.

Husband: Well honey, everyone loves a parade. Except maybe JFK.


*He said I can't blog this because he stole it, but he can't remember who from so I say it's fair game. And I do what I want.*

How DARE I!

Me: Don't forget to take those papers and tupperwares back to Mom when you pick up Lil Fella today.

Husband: Ok, I'll try and remember to put them in my trunk when I go to class.

Me: There is no try! Do! Or do not.

Husband: How dare you.

Me: Lol what? I can't quote Yoda?

Husband: Ok- 1) It's MASTER Yoda (I think he earned the title) and 2 ....

You'll find out

Me: Lol ok honey.

The Chair

Husband: So Lil' Fella got the chair today at school.

Me: Ooo, first time this year... what did she do this time?

Husband: She had to sit there because she was hugging her friends. "Because she loves them.  And they needed a hug. That's not bad.  I love my friends and have to hug them as hard as I can." Well she got the chair because when the teachers told her to "STOP FUCKING HUGGING EVERYONE YOU GOD DAMN CREEPER!" she wouldn't stop.

Ok, I may have paraphrased that last part.

Me: LOL, I have a hard time picturing The World's Most Patient Teacher saying that.

Husband: Really?  She tells me that every morning when I get out of my car and hug all the "hot" moms.

Me: LOL! Oh honey...

Bacon

Husband: No Kazi! I'm not giving you my bacon!

Me: Yeah Kazi, I'm here, he can't spoil you rotten.

Husband: I do NOT give that cat bacon! You give them bacon one time and they're addicted!

Me: Lol, yeah like how they come running when any can gets opened?

Husband: From there is just one step away from hanging out under bridges, blowing other cats to get his fix. I will not do that to him! NO SIR!

Top 10 Fun Things to do at home alone!

Husband: Well that was a bullshit list!

Me: Hmm?

Husband: I was reading the "Top 10 Fun Things to do at Home Alone" list and masturbation wasn't even on there! I think they're just making this shit up now.

Either that or it's a woman behind it.

College

Husband: Ok, so I have a rough draft to do for English, a speech to write for my HR class, a quiz in math tomorrow I have to study for, and a macro-econ assignment due tomorrow at the start of class. I'm going to go poop and play on my tablet. I think I have this college thing figured out.

Me: Yeah... or something....

Husband: Hmmmm. Maybe I should have said poop WHILE playing on my tablet.  Now it just sounds like I'm just going to take a crap on my tablet and play with it.  Ooooo great idea for a new game!  Angry turds!

Enchiladas

Husband: Tonight we're having enchiladas and you loved those so I know you'll eat.

Lil' Fella: I don't want those! I hate those! Ummm what's an ant-CH-lata?

*walks the the freezer and shows her the box*

Lil' Fella: Silly Daddy! Those are cheese weasels! I love those! Yum, yum, yum!

iPads and Yogurts

Husband: So 2 things- 1) I'm stealing one of your good yogurts with the shit on top and #2 Lil' Fella is pretty pissed at us.

Me: lol, ok and why?

Husband: LOL, Oh because we won't buy her an iPad for her birthday.

Me: LOL, where did she get this idea?

Husband: So she can get that Sophia the First app Disney keeps pushing.

Me: Well tough titties, she HAS a tablet.

Husband: That was one of the reasons I gave her. And that she can't have a pad that on the cheap end costs 2X the price mine.

Me: I'm sorry the Nabi doesn't support Google play yet but she has plenty of apps that are loads of fun from the Amazon app store and Disney are assholes for only making it for Apple.

Husband: PLUS, she can barely take care of the ones she has so a high end one is out of the question. Oh and that it is Apple and "NOT IN THIS HOUSE!"

Me: Indeed, all valid points.

Husband: Your yogurt just splooged in my face when I opened it....  god, now I know how porn stars feel.

Me: LOL!! Oh honey.

Husband: Damn it...  That's going on the blog, isn't it?

Me: FUCK, YES!

Husband: FML, First I catch a money shot from a cup of yogurt and then I get made fun of.  Yep, just like a porn star. At least the yogurt's good.