On HIS Underwear

Husband: So I was looking at getting some new underwear and I think I found the most amazing underwear ever of all time.

First off, I love how I'm looking at fatty underwear and the model in the picture is all ripped and I'm like "YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I LOOK LIKE!"

So anyway I found these underwear and they're black with yellow trim and a batman logo, but wait, they have a cape in the back. I don't think they're meant to be worn under clothes.

Me: LOL, probably not.

Husband: It's ok thought, you have sexy time underwear so if I get these they can be my sexy time underwear. I'll come running in to the room in nothing but these underwear signing DA NA NA NA NA NA NA..... BATMAN!!!

Eh? Eh? Doing anything for you?!?

Lil' Fella's Hair

Lil Fella: In the movie Mulan, she cut her own hair and didn't even get in trouble for it!

Husband:
Ok-

1. She was older than you so she can do that and
B. That was freaking China! This is Merica!

If you were in China you'd be putting those little hands to use making shoes right now so unless you want to make Daddy a new pair of Jordans, I would count your blessings and NOT CUT YOUR DAMN HAIR AGAIN!

Lil' Fella and Sharpies

Husband: So, I'm in the office doing shit and Lil Fella asks if she can go outside. I said sure so she went. A few min go by and I walk in to turn off the TV. That's when I see 2 Sharpie markers on the floor and one is open. I get her back in here to ask her WTF and she said she needed them to make a card. She got up on the counter and got them for the card. She said she knows she shouldn't use them, but doesn't know why.

Me: Did it get on anything?

Husband: Not that I can see.

Me: Well there's that at least. Tell her Mommy is pissed and that she is ONLY allowed to use the multitudes of writing utensils in her art roll or I'm taking away the art roll.

Husband: Can I stab her in the eye with a Sharpie? That way when she thinks "Hey it would be a good idea too.... oh no, wait. That's how I lost my eye"

About his T-Rex arms

When our freezer has a few too many things in it, the stuff in the top basket catches on the light and winds up falling down behind the baskets. Last night, Husband was struggling to retrieve a pizza and a cool whip container and called me to help.

Husband: I rescued the suicidal pizza but I can't reach that damn cool-whip. Can you get it?

Me: Ugh, sure. There you go.

Husband: It's not my fault, I've got tiny T-Rex arms!

Me: Well, why don't you work on growing some longer arms already?!

Husband: I've BEEN working on it. I started with my wang and that hasn't grown yet. Once I get that to work, I'll start on my arms and legs. It's all about setting priorities, honey.

On poppies

Husband: You planted these things just to torture me didn't you.

Me: What things? Oh, the poppies? No they were here when we moved in. What's wrong with them?

Husband: Well, I just want you to be careful. Poppies hide cobras.

Me: LOL, this is Ohio honey, we don't have cobras.

Husband: Except in poppies.

Me: Ok, I'll be careful.

Husband: 100% of the cobras I've seen in the wild are hiding in poppies. Just keep that in mind.

On whacking

Husband: So I almost wore a white tshirt to go whack it but then I realized that

1. It will get grass on it and drive me crazy
2. In about 2 minutes I'll have sweated so much that it will be transparent and I'll be whackin it in the front yard in a white tshirt contest yelling "LOOK AT MY TITTIES" to the cars driving by.

On ticks

This evening I pulled a tick off Lil Fella. Summer has officially begun.

Me: Where are my tweezers? I need to get a tick off Lil Fella.

Husband: OH GOD! Do you want to check me for ticks?!

Me: Calm down honey, it's just a damn tick.

2 hours later

Husband: I came to the realization while I was in the shower that I really need to lose some weight.

Me: mmm... why's that?

Husband: Because, being a man of my size, it's just dangerous checking myself for ticks!

Me: LOL, why?

Husband: Running into shower doors, smacking your head on sinks... the bathroom is a very dangerous place for a fat man.

On his new gloves

I bought Husband some new gloves with rubberized palms so he can help me pull out the thistles that grow rampant in my flower beds...

Me: Hey I got you some new gloves

Husband: Oooo tell me the pink flowery ones are mine!

Me: No, those are for me- here, yours are black and manly.

Husband: Ooo with a rubberized grip and everything. These will sound AWESOME when I smack your ass!
*SMACK* Yeah, you like that?

Me: You are so weird. You know this is going on the blog, right?

Husband: *SMACK* You know you love it.

On OPSEC

Husband: I can't find my Scrabble app on FB.

Me: Did you block it?

Husband: No, I don't think so... wait there it is. WTF! Use of the Scrabble app has been restricted!

Me: Hmm, must be by your company.

Husband: Well now I don't feel bad for what I did to them yesterday.

Me: Oh no. What did you do now?

Husband: Well there was a big sandstorm coming and everyone ran out to look at it (like they've never seen one before)- and, as you know, I am a STRONG enforcer of OPSEC.

Me: LOL sure...

Husband: So I went to all their computers that were left unlocked and either googled "blue waffle" and clicked on the image.... OR I went to www.meatspin.com.

Me: Ugh! Gross!

Husband: Well meatspin is not so gross and more loving. I sent all the Jesus freaks who hate the gays to meatspin. They should learn to not leave their shit unlocked.

Me: Is this why sometimes your FB status says that you're gay and love the cock?

Random thoughts

Husband: So how did you get deep fried by that shitty ball of light in the sky?

Me: Hoeing

Husband: Lol, well honey try not to be such a hoe sometimes and you won't get burned.

Me: Well I had to hoe over the whole garden expansion. It was a lot.

Husband: Lol, you're such a hoe.

Oh, I found another tree I want to buy. A fruit salad tree (yes it's a real thing)

Me: Those are just grafted branches, there's nothing all that special about them.

Husband: SONOFABITCH! THE INTERNETS LIED TO ME?!

On Lil Fella's School

Husband: So how was the visit to the preschool? I thought we were going to send her to.... monastery school.

Me: LOL Montessori school honey! Yes, that's the school I went to visit, it was lovely

P.S. it's like 4700.00 a year

Husband: HOLY FUCK ASS!!! Are you sure you don't want to send her to be a nun??

Me: Well if you break it down in to hourly pay it's only like 8.50 an hour, which is less than I paid a babysitter to watch her when I started back to work (10.00) and she wasn't even learning anything then...

Husband: Well it'll be ok for now, I'm just worried about money down the line when I'm not making hazard pay.

So maybe I'll be OK with you stripping for extra money as long as it's NO MORE than topless.

No wait- swimsuit.

To the cat

Husband: Kazi seems to think me saying "Fuck your face" means to meow at me.  No matter how many times I tell him, he just meows at me.  The louder I say it the louder he meows. Maybe his "Meow" means  "NO SIR!  You fuck your own face!"

Me: Maybe you should take feline language classes from Amy from Kitchen Nightmares. She speaks feline "Meow, meow, meow!"

On our next spawn

Husband: I have a great idea for a shirt our next kid, or whatever you call that sock thing you stick them in.

Me: A onesie?

Husband: Yeah that. So the shirt would have a big ass blue ribbon on it. On the ribbon it would have a 1st place thing on it. The ribbon would read "Congratulations!! 1st place in fastest sperm contest 2013"

Me: LOL, I'm sure I could make that work. 

On extending his deployment

Husband: If you have a few minutes, I need to talk to you about something...

Me: Oh FFS, this isn't about extending again is it?

Husband: Oh hell no. My answer to that was FUCK YOUR FACE if you think I'm staying out here 1 DAY longer than my time to GTFO!

Ok, so seriously, when I politely told my boss: "Thanks but I really can't extend" they said "Well we won't be able to get you that 1st class ticket home then."

Me: Um, ok?

Husband: I laughed because I didn't expect them to do it then told him "It's cool man". When he tried to press me extending I told him "NO MEANS NO"\

Some people just don't understand.

Oh and somewhere in that conversation I may have said something like "I'll make sure I eat a bunch of pineapple every day so when you blow me it will taste better in the end"

On home improvements

Husband: So I've been thinking about stuff I want to make for the house.

I want to build a picnic style table. The 3rd or 4th board up from you would be removed. In it's place would be a long rectangle bucket type contraption. Either made from hand to fit or like one of those plastic window planter type things. That way say you have drinks or something. A bottle of wine perhaps. You can fill this bucket thing with ice and keep what ever you want to set in there chilled. Lol it looks better when I draw it out.

Me: Sure, sounds doable.

Husband: Lol, oh and maybe a 5 foot tall rusted metal chicken!

Me: LOL! Yes! AT LEAST IT WASN'T TOWELS!!

Husband: LOL I was going to to buy you those towels on Amazon last week. I was going to do it as a "hey I love you and wanted you to know I was thinking of you" thing. Then the TV thing came up and I didn't do it.
So as soon as I started reading that blog I started laughing.

Me: Just keep in mind honey, 15 years is big metal chickens!

Husband: Lol, what's two years? Or is it three? I'm a bad husband.

Me: Two, and I think it's cotton or some shit- so those towels will be perfect! 

This post might make more sense if you read my favorite blogger, The Bloggess' post on Beyonce the giant metal chicken.

On BPLv6

While Husband was in the afghanistans and such, he asked me to create a lotion that would dry to a powder to keep his balls from getting sweaty. After a few versions that weren't dry enough Ball Powder Lotion v6 was born. This happened just after he received it.

Husband: I got the new BPL today, which is awesome because I ran out of the other one a few days ago! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! I just put some on my hands! THIS SHIT IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

Sooooo not only are the guys here IN-FUCKING-SANE about BPLv6, but a lot of them want to invest!! a few are asking how they can get some and how much is it. I told them I'd ask you, but I'm saying this is a HUGE hit out here. LOL a few of the guys are going for a jog right now to see what happens....

90% of the testicles in this hangar have your BPL on them!

Me: LOL! Well I'm glad you like it!

Husband: No you don't understand. I've got guys who want to invest!

Me: Too bad the things I invent belong to my employer, not me...

On Mother's Day

So the Husband has been home from the Afghanistans and such for almost a year now, and he's been the at home parent since he's been back in school. Today:

Husband: So it took awhile but I finally understand Mother's Day.

Me: Oh do you?

Husband: Yeah, it's not about saying thanks for going through 9 months of pregnancy and labor and delivery and all that bullshit. It's really about saying thanks for not committing infanticide and eating me like a hamster baby.

Me: Good call.

On my hands

Me: I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor about my hands. It's been like 3 weeks and my knuckles are still all swollen and really painful and my grip strength is really low.

Husband: Well what do you think is wrong with them?

Me: I don't know, I'm only 29, I'm too young for arthritis, and it's not like the gout flares I've had. I just want to make sure it's not something serious so I don't end up with deformed claw hands.

Husband: Ok, but if you end up with claw hands can I wrap them around my junk like a baseball mitt every night?

In his class notes

So today I saw Husbands notes for his psychology class. Apparently he says just as much random shit to himself in the middle of taking notes as he says out loud.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

And finally- exhibit C:

Somehow... I don't think open note will be as much benefit as he seems to...

To my alarm clock

I have a Clocky. It's a demonic alarm clock on wheels that sounds like a possessed R2D2 and runs away from you in a random pattern so you have to get out of bed and find it to make the bleeding in your brain stop. Apparently I have a problem with sleeping like the dead through a normal alarm clock for an hour. So anyway, this morning I accidentally hit snooze instead of off on Clocky and got up to get ready. Well Clocky went off again after 9 minutes and I didn't notice....

Husband: GAH! SHUT UP! YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!

(found and made Clocky shut up)

9 minutes later I heard Clocky going off so I went to find it...

Husband: KILLIT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!

Me: Sorry honey, I've got it.

Husband: That fucking alarm clock is evil.

P.S. Last week, it ran away all the way under the bed and I couldn't get it and I was damn near in tears because of that alarm clock. It is fucking evil. 

But it wakes me up.