On HIS Underwear

Husband: So I was looking at getting some new underwear and I think I found the most amazing underwear ever of all time.

First off, I love how I'm looking at fatty underwear and the model in the picture is all ripped and I'm like "YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I LOOK LIKE!"

So anyway I found these underwear and they're black with yellow trim and a batman logo, but wait, they have a cape in the back. I don't think they're meant to be worn under clothes.

Me: LOL, probably not.

Husband: It's ok thought, you have sexy time underwear so if I get these they can be my sexy time underwear. I'll come running in to the room in nothing but these underwear signing DA NA NA NA NA NA NA..... BATMAN!!!

Eh? Eh? Doing anything for you?!?

Lil' Fella's Hair

Lil Fella: In the movie Mulan, she cut her own hair and didn't even get in trouble for it!

Husband:
Ok-

1. She was older than you so she can do that and
B. That was freaking China! This is Merica!

If you were in China you'd be putting those little hands to use making shoes right now so unless you want to make Daddy a new pair of Jordans, I would count your blessings and NOT CUT YOUR DAMN HAIR AGAIN!

Lil' Fella and Sharpies

Husband: So, I'm in the office doing shit and Lil Fella asks if she can go outside. I said sure so she went. A few min go by and I walk in to turn off the TV. That's when I see 2 Sharpie markers on the floor and one is open. I get her back in here to ask her WTF and she said she needed them to make a card. She got up on the counter and got them for the card. She said she knows she shouldn't use them, but doesn't know why.

Me: Did it get on anything?

Husband: Not that I can see.

Me: Well there's that at least. Tell her Mommy is pissed and that she is ONLY allowed to use the multitudes of writing utensils in her art roll or I'm taking away the art roll.

Husband: Can I stab her in the eye with a Sharpie? That way when she thinks "Hey it would be a good idea too.... oh no, wait. That's how I lost my eye"

About his T-Rex arms

When our freezer has a few too many things in it, the stuff in the top basket catches on the light and winds up falling down behind the baskets. Last night, Husband was struggling to retrieve a pizza and a cool whip container and called me to help.

Husband: I rescued the suicidal pizza but I can't reach that damn cool-whip. Can you get it?

Me: Ugh, sure. There you go.

Husband: It's not my fault, I've got tiny T-Rex arms!

Me: Well, why don't you work on growing some longer arms already?!

Husband: I've BEEN working on it. I started with my wang and that hasn't grown yet. Once I get that to work, I'll start on my arms and legs. It's all about setting priorities, honey.

On poppies

Husband: You planted these things just to torture me didn't you.

Me: What things? Oh, the poppies? No they were here when we moved in. What's wrong with them?

Husband: Well, I just want you to be careful. Poppies hide cobras.

Me: LOL, this is Ohio honey, we don't have cobras.

Husband: Except in poppies.

Me: Ok, I'll be careful.

Husband: 100% of the cobras I've seen in the wild are hiding in poppies. Just keep that in mind.

On whacking

Husband: So I almost wore a white tshirt to go whack it but then I realized that

1. It will get grass on it and drive me crazy
2. In about 2 minutes I'll have sweated so much that it will be transparent and I'll be whackin it in the front yard in a white tshirt contest yelling "LOOK AT MY TITTIES" to the cars driving by.

On ticks

This evening I pulled a tick off Lil Fella. Summer has officially begun.

Me: Where are my tweezers? I need to get a tick off Lil Fella.

Husband: OH GOD! Do you want to check me for ticks?!

Me: Calm down honey, it's just a damn tick.

2 hours later

Husband: I came to the realization while I was in the shower that I really need to lose some weight.

Me: mmm... why's that?

Husband: Because, being a man of my size, it's just dangerous checking myself for ticks!

Me: LOL, why?

Husband: Running into shower doors, smacking your head on sinks... the bathroom is a very dangerous place for a fat man.

On his new gloves

I bought Husband some new gloves with rubberized palms so he can help me pull out the thistles that grow rampant in my flower beds...

Me: Hey I got you some new gloves

Husband: Oooo tell me the pink flowery ones are mine!

Me: No, those are for me- here, yours are black and manly.

Husband: Ooo with a rubberized grip and everything. These will sound AWESOME when I smack your ass!
*SMACK* Yeah, you like that?

Me: You are so weird. You know this is going on the blog, right?

Husband: *SMACK* You know you love it.

On OPSEC

Husband: I can't find my Scrabble app on FB.

Me: Did you block it?

Husband: No, I don't think so... wait there it is. WTF! Use of the Scrabble app has been restricted!

Me: Hmm, must be by your company.

Husband: Well now I don't feel bad for what I did to them yesterday.

Me: Oh no. What did you do now?

Husband: Well there was a big sandstorm coming and everyone ran out to look at it (like they've never seen one before)- and, as you know, I am a STRONG enforcer of OPSEC.

Me: LOL sure...

Husband: So I went to all their computers that were left unlocked and either googled "blue waffle" and clicked on the image.... OR I went to www.meatspin.com.

Me: Ugh! Gross!

Husband: Well meatspin is not so gross and more loving. I sent all the Jesus freaks who hate the gays to meatspin. They should learn to not leave their shit unlocked.

Me: Is this why sometimes your FB status says that you're gay and love the cock?

Random thoughts

Husband: So how did you get deep fried by that shitty ball of light in the sky?

Me: Hoeing

Husband: Lol, well honey try not to be such a hoe sometimes and you won't get burned.

Me: Well I had to hoe over the whole garden expansion. It was a lot.

Husband: Lol, you're such a hoe.

Oh, I found another tree I want to buy. A fruit salad tree (yes it's a real thing)

Me: Those are just grafted branches, there's nothing all that special about them.

Husband: SONOFABITCH! THE INTERNETS LIED TO ME?!

On Lil Fella's School

Husband: So how was the visit to the preschool? I thought we were going to send her to.... monastery school.

Me: LOL Montessori school honey! Yes, that's the school I went to visit, it was lovely

P.S. it's like 4700.00 a year

Husband: HOLY FUCK ASS!!! Are you sure you don't want to send her to be a nun??

Me: Well if you break it down in to hourly pay it's only like 8.50 an hour, which is less than I paid a babysitter to watch her when I started back to work (10.00) and she wasn't even learning anything then...

Husband: Well it'll be ok for now, I'm just worried about money down the line when I'm not making hazard pay.

So maybe I'll be OK with you stripping for extra money as long as it's NO MORE than topless.

No wait- swimsuit.

To the cat

Husband: Kazi seems to think me saying "Fuck your face" means to meow at me.  No matter how many times I tell him, he just meows at me.  The louder I say it the louder he meows. Maybe his "Meow" means  "NO SIR!  You fuck your own face!"

Me: Maybe you should take feline language classes from Amy from Kitchen Nightmares. She speaks feline "Meow, meow, meow!"

On our next spawn

Husband: I have a great idea for a shirt our next kid, or whatever you call that sock thing you stick them in.

Me: A onesie?

Husband: Yeah that. So the shirt would have a big ass blue ribbon on it. On the ribbon it would have a 1st place thing on it. The ribbon would read "Congratulations!! 1st place in fastest sperm contest 2013"

Me: LOL, I'm sure I could make that work. 

On extending his deployment

Husband: If you have a few minutes, I need to talk to you about something...

Me: Oh FFS, this isn't about extending again is it?

Husband: Oh hell no. My answer to that was FUCK YOUR FACE if you think I'm staying out here 1 DAY longer than my time to GTFO!

Ok, so seriously, when I politely told my boss: "Thanks but I really can't extend" they said "Well we won't be able to get you that 1st class ticket home then."

Me: Um, ok?

Husband: I laughed because I didn't expect them to do it then told him "It's cool man". When he tried to press me extending I told him "NO MEANS NO"\

Some people just don't understand.

Oh and somewhere in that conversation I may have said something like "I'll make sure I eat a bunch of pineapple every day so when you blow me it will taste better in the end"

On home improvements

Husband: So I've been thinking about stuff I want to make for the house.

I want to build a picnic style table. The 3rd or 4th board up from you would be removed. In it's place would be a long rectangle bucket type contraption. Either made from hand to fit or like one of those plastic window planter type things. That way say you have drinks or something. A bottle of wine perhaps. You can fill this bucket thing with ice and keep what ever you want to set in there chilled. Lol it looks better when I draw it out.

Me: Sure, sounds doable.

Husband: Lol, oh and maybe a 5 foot tall rusted metal chicken!

Me: LOL! Yes! AT LEAST IT WASN'T TOWELS!!

Husband: LOL I was going to to buy you those towels on Amazon last week. I was going to do it as a "hey I love you and wanted you to know I was thinking of you" thing. Then the TV thing came up and I didn't do it.
So as soon as I started reading that blog I started laughing.

Me: Just keep in mind honey, 15 years is big metal chickens!

Husband: Lol, what's two years? Or is it three? I'm a bad husband.

Me: Two, and I think it's cotton or some shit- so those towels will be perfect! 

This post might make more sense if you read my favorite blogger, The Bloggess' post on Beyonce the giant metal chicken.

On BPLv6

While Husband was in the afghanistans and such, he asked me to create a lotion that would dry to a powder to keep his balls from getting sweaty. After a few versions that weren't dry enough Ball Powder Lotion v6 was born. This happened just after he received it.

Husband: I got the new BPL today, which is awesome because I ran out of the other one a few days ago! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! I just put some on my hands! THIS SHIT IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

Sooooo not only are the guys here IN-FUCKING-SANE about BPLv6, but a lot of them want to invest!! a few are asking how they can get some and how much is it. I told them I'd ask you, but I'm saying this is a HUGE hit out here. LOL a few of the guys are going for a jog right now to see what happens....

90% of the testicles in this hangar have your BPL on them!

Me: LOL! Well I'm glad you like it!

Husband: No you don't understand. I've got guys who want to invest!

Me: Too bad the things I invent belong to my employer, not me...

On Mother's Day

So the Husband has been home from the Afghanistans and such for almost a year now, and he's been the at home parent since he's been back in school. Today:

Husband: So it took awhile but I finally understand Mother's Day.

Me: Oh do you?

Husband: Yeah, it's not about saying thanks for going through 9 months of pregnancy and labor and delivery and all that bullshit. It's really about saying thanks for not committing infanticide and eating me like a hamster baby.

Me: Good call.

On my hands

Me: I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor about my hands. It's been like 3 weeks and my knuckles are still all swollen and really painful and my grip strength is really low.

Husband: Well what do you think is wrong with them?

Me: I don't know, I'm only 29, I'm too young for arthritis, and it's not like the gout flares I've had. I just want to make sure it's not something serious so I don't end up with deformed claw hands.

Husband: Ok, but if you end up with claw hands can I wrap them around my junk like a baseball mitt every night?

In his class notes

So today I saw Husbands notes for his psychology class. Apparently he says just as much random shit to himself in the middle of taking notes as he says out loud.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

And finally- exhibit C:

Somehow... I don't think open note will be as much benefit as he seems to...

To my alarm clock

I have a Clocky. It's a demonic alarm clock on wheels that sounds like a possessed R2D2 and runs away from you in a random pattern so you have to get out of bed and find it to make the bleeding in your brain stop. Apparently I have a problem with sleeping like the dead through a normal alarm clock for an hour. So anyway, this morning I accidentally hit snooze instead of off on Clocky and got up to get ready. Well Clocky went off again after 9 minutes and I didn't notice....

Husband: GAH! SHUT UP! YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!

(found and made Clocky shut up)

9 minutes later I heard Clocky going off so I went to find it...

Husband: KILLIT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!

Me: Sorry honey, I've got it.

Husband: That fucking alarm clock is evil.

P.S. Last week, it ran away all the way under the bed and I couldn't get it and I was damn near in tears because of that alarm clock. It is fucking evil. 

But it wakes me up.

On Swimming

Husband: So the guys and I are going to rent a boat to go out on Lake Erie. I looked in to a boating license and it's like 30 bucks and it's all online. So I'll stop bugging you about a boat.

Me: Ok but before you go, I want you to prove that you can swim.

Husband: Honey, I'm part manatee, you've seen me naked!

Me: LOL, I'm not joking here.

Husband: I can swim. Remember, I had a big brother who tried to kill me all the time.

Me: You've said that many times but I've never seen you swim. Ever.

Husband: Because I don't like to. I can also chug a bottle of liquor but I don't see the point. I'm pretty sure you've never seen me do that either.

Me: Well I need to see you swim at least a couple of laps or I'm going to rent my own boat and follow you in case you fall off and drown.

Husband: How long is a lap?

Me: 25m or 50m depending on the pool.

Husband: Umm that's a long way to doggie paddle.. does floating count?

JUST KIDDING! GEEZ! What do I get out of this?

Me: A BOATING LICENSE!!

On my knick knacks

Husband: I was looking at getting you one of those wood cases that have windows and you store crap in them. Like a Hubbel collection or something.

Me: Hummels. It's called a curio cabinet.

Husband: Whatever they are. Those stupid little figures that cost WAY too much. Old people like them though.

Me: And my mom

Husband: Ummmm I wasn't calling your mom old....

Me: mmmhmmm, I'll let her know.

Husband: YOU WILL NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

On his goatee

Husband shaved off the soul patch portion of his facial hair this weekend, leaving just the bit on his chin.

Me: Ok, so it's been a few days and I don't like it. It kind of looks like you're going for the Amish look but you shaved the sides. It's an Amish goatee. You need to either grow it back or shave it all off.

Husband: No way in hell am I going to shave it off. I look terrible without facial hair. I look like the world's ugliest lesbian. I LOOK LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELL!

Me: I don't know, I think you would look fine. Younger for sure. 

Husband: No, it's horrible. 

Me: I'll fix it for you in your sleep.

Husband: If you shave me in my sleep, I'm shaving your head in yours. 

Me: If you value your penis you will not do that.

Husband: FINE! No one's getting shaved!

Me: FINE!

Husband: So what if I shaved my head? And grew a full long beard?

Me: You're really trying to play up this cradle robbing aspect of our relationship aren't you?

More antics at work

Husband: So I got a talking to after work today.

Me: About what?

Husband: I was asked to be more polite to my fellow workers. With the stress of the job and being deployed they don't need to also deal with extra stress of me "talking down to them". So I told that boss to either stop hiring retards that can't learn a simple job I can teach my 3 year old to do (VERY well I might add) or train them better so I don't have to correct them constantly.

Me: Did someone complain? I thought you guys were all assholes.

Husband: No, no one complained. He just overheard me telling someone they should go play on the runway when a big plane is landing so they can end it all because they are too retarded to live life another day.

Me: Um, that might be a little harsh honey.

Husband: Then I told the same guy I wanted to call his mom and tell her she made the wrong choice when she was ..... yeah you wouldn't like what I said.

Me: Yeah, you might want to lay off a bit. There's constructive criticism and then there's saying shit just to hurt someone's feelings. 

Husband: Maybe that guy should learn his freaking job and not have me correct the SAME GD issue more than once a day!

It's ok. I know how to treat him when he does well. I'm very kind. I pat him on his head, give him a treat and say "who's a good boy... that's right you're a good boy!" That's far past the amount of care I should put into these guys, but hey I want to make them feel better about themselves.

Me: Aren't there other options besides belittling him? Like writing him up or reporting serious training deficiencies to your supervisors?

Husband: Oh I have to belittle him. I have to do it to everyone. Do you know what you turn into if you have a huge ego at this job??

ME!

On May holidays

Me: I got cards for your mom and my mom today.

Husband: For what?

Me: Really honey? What holiday is coming up next?

Husband: Well yesterday was May the Fourth... today is Cinqo De Mayo... tomorrow is Revenge of the Sixth...

Me: For moms!

Husband: Well it is national masturbation month but I didn't think you sent cards for that.

Me: You sir, are absurd.

Husband: Is Memorial Day next or is it Labor Day.

Me: Mother's Day you tool!

Husband: No really, which is next Memorial Day or Labor Day? I always get them confused and I never know when I can wear my white pants.

On Crapistan

Husband: Hey, when I get home can we start only flushing the toilet once a day? Oh, and can we scheduled daily cleanings where no one really cleans it, just sits in it for an hour bull shitting while I'm outside about to poop my pants? I don't want to end up missing this place too bad.

On May 4th

Me: Are you going to wake your ass up and help me with the yard?

Husband: It's a holiday today!

Me: What holiday?

Husband: May the fourth, of course!

Me: Oh FFS, that's not a real holiday, we've got shit to do.

Husband: LOOK AT MY DOG TAGS! MY RELIGION IS CLEARLY STATED AS "JEDI KNIGHT"! So today is a holiday for my religion.

Me: And when was the last time you attended services?

Husband: Well the next time I'm in Australia or the UK, I'll be sure to go.

Me: But we were in Scotland on our honeymoon and you did not express a desire to go to the church of the Jedi order.... CHECKMATE! ATHEIST!

On planning the yard

Husband: So are you planting anything in our yard this year?

Me: Yeah, some trees, some berry bushes, maybe some flowers. Probably a shrubbery or two.

Husband: A SHRUBBERY!
You should plant one of those trees that sucks up all the water.

Me: A weeping willow? I'd like to but I'm not sure where to put it, they get large.

Husband: Ooo, if we planted one of those we could use the branches to beat the kids with! You know, when they're bad. Not just to beat them.

Me: Where do you come up with this shit?!

At work

Me: So BossLady left and I had a sudden personality change- now I'm aggressive.

Husband: So a month ago you were a superstar and now you suck?

Me: Pretty much yeah, I'm hoping Bossman is just getting used to being a manager and it will be better soon.

Husband: Maybe, but if you want to or have the time find out what he likes to do. Hell see if he likes to fish. Not just for me, but I've found the more you get to know your boss the more shit they let not bother them.
Like me taking my pants off yesterday. Normal people would get fired. Me..... I get "Mac pull em up unless you lave a license to sell hot dogs!"

I'm not saying do the shit I do at work... GOD PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!!!

Me: Why on earth did you take your pants off at work??

Husband: Because it was 95!!! To be fair they weren't all the way off, just a little past my knees.

Me: Oh honey...

Husband: Don't "oh honey" me! That's the tamer side of the shit I pull. A few hours before the "shorts" issue we sat down to brief. His hand was cold from holding an ice pack and he put it on my knee and was all like "Is that cold?" So I took the hint and asked him if he was hitting on me because if he was my wife said if it was another dude it was fine. Then when he was all shocked and weirded out I said "Come on bro, let me finger blast that B hole" 

Me: OMG honey what is wrong with you??

Husband: Gross I know, but I don't like people touching me and that way is better than yelling to not touch me. Because then every one has to touch me to fuck with me. School yard rules honey, show no weakness!!

Lol so yeah, don't do the shit I do at work.

On margarine

Husband: Bitches be trippin! I just got into a huge argument because not only did someone post on Facebook about the dangers of margarine, but then they threw out all the butter packets in the fridge because it's written in German and it may or may not be butter. I tried like hell to explain that margarine is against the food laws in Germany so it is clearly butter. Then they hit me with the awesome statement "Margarine is ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC!!" I fucking lost it. Lol I hope you're happy. You did this to me.

Me: Well you're the one who married the chemist. Love you too :)

Husband: Go to hell science! I'm turning to Jesus because then I can just answer every question with "Because God said so!"

Me: Let me know how that works out for you.

On his Mom's lotto addiction

Husband: So... I just found out one of the three winning Powerball tickets was sold in Maryland and now I'm wondering how hokey Mom's lotto picking program is. If she won I'm making her pay for Cedar Point this summer.

Me: Lol, I didn't even think about the winning ticket being sold in Maryland. I'm sure if she won she would have called.

Husband: If she knows. Hell, she's probably hiding out in the corner waiting for my shithead siblings to show up begging for money. Or she's out riding a twenty foot bear screaming "I WON BITCHES! I WON!"

Me: Lol, I'm sure that's it.

Husband: I just sent her an email telling her I heard one of the tickets was sold there and if she happened to win I have about 5K of camping/ fishing stuff on my Cabela's wishlist. You know, should a gift giving occasion pop up.

Me: So maybe she'll read it 5 months from now. :)

One week later...

Husband: So Mom didn't win the lotto. SHOCKER! I figured with her lucky chicken bones, voodoo doll and software on how to win, she'd win for sure! Oh well... maybe next time.

On housekeeping

Husband: One of the guys out here asked what I was going to do after I was home for like a month and you realize you don't really like me. I told him I'd probably get punched in the tiny rib a lot.

Me: I like you just fine. Your housekeeping skills on the other hand leave much to be desired.

Husband: I admit, my cleaning skills are pretty weak but you should help me out by telling me what to do.

Me: I guess I'll have to since apparently as a man you are completely incapable of realizing the house is a disaster.

Husband: That's so sexist! That doesn't mean it's not true though...

On a boat

Husband: Soooooo.... I want to get something that would be great for our family. Something AWESOME that we REALLLY NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!

Me: What?

Husband: Brace yourself.

A boat.

Me: No

Husband: But...

Me: No. BOAT is an acronym.
Bust
Out
Another
Thousand.

Husband: But my brother had a boat and he WAS broke all the time, but it was because he's a moron, not because of the boat.

Me: The best situation is to have a friend with a boat, then you can go fishing with them on their boat and not waste a "boatload" of money. So start making friends. With boats.

Husband: But every time we were on it we could sing "I'm on a boat!" I could autotune my voice and sing backup for you! Grow my hair out.... get some gold teeth.... OK FINE! YOU WIN THIS ROUND!

The next day

Husband: I told my bosses I might extend... for a boat. They said no.

On the secret internet

Husband: So is it bad that I'm using the military spec satellite imagery to look up good fishing spots close to home?

Me: Well I would assume if you got caught it would be....

Husband: Damn! There are some rich mofos in Avon Lake! Someone has a pool bigger than our house!


Three days later....

Husband: Hey did you know that there is a pond behind our house?!

Me: You mean the wetlands down the street?

Husband: No, there's a pond right behind the house!

Me: That's the neighbors pond, make friends with them when you get home and GET OFF THE TOP SECRET INTERNET!

Husband: I hope it's not a poo pond.

Two days after that...
Husband: So I've been trying to think of a way to meet the neighbors with the pond and ask them about the pond without them knowing I've been spying on it with gubmint equipment.

Me: You can see it from our back porch sweetie...