Me: Ok, so it's been a few days and I don't like it. It kind of looks like you're going for the Amish look but you shaved the sides. It's an Amish goatee. You need to either grow it back or shave it all off.
Husband: No way in hell am I going to shave it off. I look terrible without facial hair. I look like the world's ugliest lesbian. I LOOK LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELL!
Me: I don't know, I think you would look fine. Younger for sure.
Husband: No, it's horrible.
Me: I'll fix it for you in your sleep.
Husband: If you shave me in my sleep, I'm shaving your head in yours.
Me: If you value your penis you will not do that.
Husband: FINE! No one's getting shaved!
Husband: So what if I shaved my head? And grew a full long beard?
Me: You're really trying to play up this cradle robbing aspect of our relationship aren't you?