Husband: So are you planting anything in our yard this year?
Me: Yeah, some trees, some berry bushes, maybe some flowers. Probably a shrubbery or two.
Husband: A SHRUBBERY!
You should plant one of those trees that sucks up all the water.
Me: A weeping willow? I'd like to but I'm not sure where to put it, they get large.
Husband: Ooo, if we planted one of those we could use the branches to beat the kids with! You know, when they're bad. Not just to beat them.
Me: Where do you come up with this shit?!