Movies

Husband: (to Lil' Fella) So what did you guys do last night? Play any fun games?

Lil Fella: No, we watched TWO movies- Cinderella and Ariel! (runs away)

Husband: You know, Ariel's not a movie. Areola on the other hand... THAT'S a movie!

Me: Probably not about a Disney Princess.

Husband: Well you never know....

Christmas

Husband: GAWD I hate Christmas!

Me: Why?

Husband: This makes like 4 or 5 days in a row that I've had to talk to my mom. People in Gitmo have to deal with less.

Inflatable Darth Vader

I bought Husband an inflatable Darth Vader as an impulse buy on Black Friday this year. We're doing the outside decor this week so he tested him out in the kitchen. 

Husband: Look honey! It's a giant inflatable Darth Vader penis!

Me: No it's not, it looks like Darth Vader.

Husband: No look, see, his feet are the balls his body is the shaft and his head and helmet is the head!

Me: Maybe if you squint.

Husband: OK, so where do you want him? In the bedroom for sexy time?

Me: Why would I want an inflatable Darth Vader watching me during sexy time?

Husband: Mood lighting! From his light saber!

Shakira

I was trying to stretch out my pelvis to relieve some of the pain when Lil Fella walked in and asked me what I was doing.

Me: My pelvis hurts honey, I'm trying to stretch it out.

Husband: Yeah, you know, before Mommy was pregnant with you she could move her hips like Shakira!

Me: HAHAHA, you know that's a lie. Show her a Shakira video.

Husband: I don't think that's appropriate for a 5 year old!

Me: It's just dancing, she's seen the latin dancers on So You Think You Can Dance.

Husband: I had to stop watching Shakira videos back in AIT.

Me: Why?

Husband: Shakira videos lead to spontaneous masturbation!

Christmas

Husband: Dude, you're so mad right now.  Shouldn't you be done with Christmas by now?  It's almost time to start shopping for next year!

Me: I'm just saying. There are still 23 days before Christmas.

Husband: 23 days honey!!! 23!!  That's hardly enough time to do everything that needs done for the lord!

Me: Lord jesus please help me not to murder people this holiday season...

Husband: It's bad enough we had to lose 6 days because of stupid Thanksgiving!!!!  I've got shit to do people so fuck off and get the fuck out of my way!!!!  If I don't get these fucking lights up and these god damn cookies done god will smite me!

Me: lol

Husband: Peace on earth and good will toward men will have to wait until I get these fucking Furbies wrapped and under the tree!!!!

Me: Lol goddamn honey, your son is pressing on my bladder 24/7 and I can't pee my pants at work.

Husband: Well if you would have listened to me months ago and let me keep up the lights and shit we'd be ahead right now! But nnnnoooooooooooo!!!  You didn't want to look trashy!

Me: Lol, right

Husband: Its only trashy 8 months out of the year. Don't forget to get corned beef at the store this week, we need to get ready for New Years. Oh, and BTW I'll be going to the fireworks store next week to get shit for the 4th of July

Me: Corned beef is St Patty's Day. New Years is standing rib roast.

Husband: Well get them both!

Me: lol ok

Parades

Me: God, who watches this crap. This is like the worst parade ever.

Husband: Well honey, everyone loves a parade. Except maybe JFK.


*He said I can't blog this because he stole it, but he can't remember who from so I say it's fair game. And I do what I want.*

How DARE I!

Me: Don't forget to take those papers and tupperwares back to Mom when you pick up Lil Fella today.

Husband: Ok, I'll try and remember to put them in my trunk when I go to class.

Me: There is no try! Do! Or do not.

Husband: How dare you.

Me: Lol what? I can't quote Yoda?

Husband: Ok- 1) It's MASTER Yoda (I think he earned the title) and 2 ....

You'll find out

Me: Lol ok honey.

The Chair

Husband: So Lil' Fella got the chair today at school.

Me: Ooo, first time this year... what did she do this time?

Husband: She had to sit there because she was hugging her friends. "Because she loves them.  And they needed a hug. That's not bad.  I love my friends and have to hug them as hard as I can." Well she got the chair because when the teachers told her to "STOP FUCKING HUGGING EVERYONE YOU GOD DAMN CREEPER!" she wouldn't stop.

Ok, I may have paraphrased that last part.

Me: LOL, I have a hard time picturing The World's Most Patient Teacher saying that.

Husband: Really?  She tells me that every morning when I get out of my car and hug all the "hot" moms.

Me: LOL! Oh honey...

Bacon

Husband: No Kazi! I'm not giving you my bacon!

Me: Yeah Kazi, I'm here, he can't spoil you rotten.

Husband: I do NOT give that cat bacon! You give them bacon one time and they're addicted!

Me: Lol, yeah like how they come running when any can gets opened?

Husband: From there is just one step away from hanging out under bridges, blowing other cats to get his fix. I will not do that to him! NO SIR!

Top 10 Fun Things to do at home alone!

Husband: Well that was a bullshit list!

Me: Hmm?

Husband: I was reading the "Top 10 Fun Things to do at Home Alone" list and masturbation wasn't even on there! I think they're just making this shit up now.

Either that or it's a woman behind it.

College

Husband: Ok, so I have a rough draft to do for English, a speech to write for my HR class, a quiz in math tomorrow I have to study for, and a macro-econ assignment due tomorrow at the start of class. I'm going to go poop and play on my tablet. I think I have this college thing figured out.

Me: Yeah... or something....

Husband: Hmmmm. Maybe I should have said poop WHILE playing on my tablet.  Now it just sounds like I'm just going to take a crap on my tablet and play with it.  Ooooo great idea for a new game!  Angry turds!

Enchiladas

Husband: Tonight we're having enchiladas and you loved those so I know you'll eat.

Lil' Fella: I don't want those! I hate those! Ummm what's an ant-CH-lata?

*walks the the freezer and shows her the box*

Lil' Fella: Silly Daddy! Those are cheese weasels! I love those! Yum, yum, yum!

iPads and Yogurts

Husband: So 2 things- 1) I'm stealing one of your good yogurts with the shit on top and #2 Lil' Fella is pretty pissed at us.

Me: lol, ok and why?

Husband: LOL, Oh because we won't buy her an iPad for her birthday.

Me: LOL, where did she get this idea?

Husband: So she can get that Sophia the First app Disney keeps pushing.

Me: Well tough titties, she HAS a tablet.

Husband: That was one of the reasons I gave her. And that she can't have a pad that on the cheap end costs 2X the price mine.

Me: I'm sorry the Nabi doesn't support Google play yet but she has plenty of apps that are loads of fun from the Amazon app store and Disney are assholes for only making it for Apple.

Husband: PLUS, she can barely take care of the ones she has so a high end one is out of the question. Oh and that it is Apple and "NOT IN THIS HOUSE!"

Me: Indeed, all valid points.

Husband: Your yogurt just splooged in my face when I opened it....  god, now I know how porn stars feel.

Me: LOL!! Oh honey.

Husband: Damn it...  That's going on the blog, isn't it?

Me: FUCK, YES!

Husband: FML, First I catch a money shot from a cup of yogurt and then I get made fun of.  Yep, just like a porn star. At least the yogurt's good.

Snow

This was after the first snow of the season, it was maybe an inch.

Husband: New this year to snow parking rules...  If your car has snow on it but none where you are parking it is totally fine to take up 4 FUCKING SPOTS!!!!!

Me: Lol, sounds legit.

Husband: I think you have to be driving a truck though.

Me: A giant red one.

Husband: So I'm eavesdropping on these two girls talking about driving in the snow. I'm trying REALLY HARD to resist the urge to scream at them.

Me: Yeah. the roads were SUPER BAD this morning   (complete sarcasm, FYI)

Husband: "Oh my god! People are such assholes and bad drivers!  They kept honking and flashing their lights at me on the freeway.  I mean it's snowing! Hello! Jerks!  I'm not going to risk my life and drive above 40 mph on the freeway that is probably frozen just because you didn't leave early."

Me: Lol, GD idiot.

Husband: Other girl..."I know!  This may be my first year driving in the snow, but I know you have to drive safe.  I even made sure I used my blinker!"

I am not making this up!  I think I may have to kill them for the better good for drivers everywhere.

Me: Sounds like a solid conclusion.

Underpants

Husband has been proudly showing me how holey his underwear are getting because he knows it makes me crazy and apparently making me crazy is his hobby. So while he was out of town this weekend I bought him some new underwear.

Me: So I see you're trying out your new underpants. How are they?

Husband: Well... they're fine...

Me: What's wrong with them?

Husband: I'm really out of my comfort zone here, honey.

Me: What? They're boxer briefs!

Husband: They're GREEN!

Me: Oh right, I forgot, you can only wear blue, black or gray. So what about those red ones in the pack?

Husband: NO. RIGHT OUT.

Lil Fella's Birthday Party

I got a box of party supplies for Lil Fella's pirate themed birthday party today.

Me: So here's some pirate swords and eye patches...

Husband: HEY! You know what we should do?! We should have a Somalian pirate party!

Me: OMG honey you're crazy.

Husband: YEAH! We'll send all this stuff back and when they get here we'll open the door in black-face and be like "What? What kind of pirates do you think are around today?!"

Then we'll steal their cars and hold their kids for ransom!

This is going to be the best party ever!

PTS

Me: Bossman said that because I'm pregnant, I'm not qualified to taste or evaluate the smell of our products. I told him that the status of my uterus has no impact on my taste buds.

Apparently, based on his extensive knowledge of pregnancy (none) he was under the impression that because some smells and tastes make me nauseated, that the whole system must be jacked up.

Husband: See, I would have said: Actually, the senses are heightened during pregnancy, so I'm probably better at it than you. The biggest problem is trying to control the Pregnancy Tourette's Syndrome or "PTS" for short. 95% of women get it and it can me very embarrassing! Dick face shit taco.

Me: LOL, oh honey...

Husband: And just think... someday soon, I'm going to be someone's HR rep!

Another guest post

Lil Fella: I remember EVERYTHING since I came out of Mommy's tummy.

Husband: LOL, I bet you can't even remember the things you did a few hours ago.

Lil Fella: I can!

Husband: OK, what happened on your first birthday?

Lil Fella: I was scared because everyone was singing to me.

Husband: No, it was just me and Mommy and you had a carrot cake. It was your first cake and you LOVED it!

Lil Fella: Well, I had cake lots of times before that. When I was in Mommy's tummy she would eat cake and I would just reach out and grab some and eat it too!

Husband: Well that's not exactly how it works honey.

Lil Fella: Well ACTUALLY Daddy, it is.

*And then my husbands head exploded. There's just no telling a know-it-all almost 5 year old.*

Late Night Texts

Me: So who the hell texted you at 3AM this morning?

Husband: Well.... you know all those mom's from the drop off line at Lil' Fella's school just can't get enough of me....

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA lol, yeah right!

Husband: Yeah it was AT&T, letting me know the M-Cell was down over at your parents.

Me: LOL, I love you honey.

Favors

Me: Hey.....how do you feel about taking my sewing machine up to the shop so that I don't have to after work before you leave for class?

Husband: Oh I thought you took it with you

Me: Negative. All you have to do is pick it up by the handle, everything is contained inside the cover, and drive to Cindy's Sew Easy Shoppe, which is in the same plaza as DrugMart then go inside and say, this is my wife's machine to go with the embroidery unit she brought in last night for repair. If you went now, you could drop it off before you picked up Lil' Fella.

Husband: Lol, are you asking me to do it, or how I would feel about doing it?

Me: I'm asking you to do it.... you could decline but it's really in your best interest to do it

Husband: LOL, oh really....?

Me: Well you don't want to be late for school because I got stuck in traffic do you?

Husband: LOL!  Oh honey, you really have no clue what my "best" interest is, do you?

Me: Lol, I see where you're taking this...no I'm not giving you a BJ to take my machine in

Husband: Well....  you could, if you wanted to.  I would let you.

*40 minutes later*

Husband: THERE!

Me: Thanks sugar dumplin'

Husband: I just want you to know that instead of using my normal poop time I went and did something for my lovely wife. So now my poo-edule is WAY OFF!!!

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

Husband: I don't know WTF is going on in this episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but Minnie just asked Goofy if he'd like his nuts cracked!  These shows are getting out of hand!

Me: Lol, why are you watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse if Lil' Fella is next door?

Husband: I'm not. Well it's on in the other room. Kazi is watching it. Cecie too. She likes to watch TV while she licks the chair.

Me: Mmhmm... and you like to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Donuts

My some freak accident, Husband woke up at 7:30 this morning instead of 1:00 this afternoon and I managed to convince him that we NEEDED donuts for breakfast.

Husband: Man, I miss that place I used to go to in Tennessee.

Me: Why?

Husband: Do you want the real answer?

Me: Sure...

Husband: Well it was a family run shop and it was a family of Asians.

Me: Asians are known for their donut making skills?

Husband: No, the dude had these two daughters that worked there and they had the biggest tits I've ever seen on an Asian. So every time I would walk in the door it was like "Oh yeah! THAT'S why I love this place!"

Turkeys

We have a large flock of wild turkeys that roam our neighborhood, mostly because the Cat Kingdom put out corn for them. They are almost as obnoxious as the herds of deer wandering through the backyard.

Husband: So check out the nerve of this GD turkey. I'm leaving to go get Lil Fella. I'm sort of on the late side so I'm in a hurry. I get out to my car and I hear this weird noise like a pigeon or something. I'm thinking to myself "God damn it, if there is a damn bird under my car and it flies in when I open the door I'm going to be pissed..and probably late." So as I open the door the thing gets louder.  I look across my hood and see a fucking turkey head just looking at me like "What's up bro?" So I do what any normal person would do and tell the turkey to go fuck his face and get the hell away from my car. So this asshole must have bad English skills because he thinks I said "Come at me bro!" so he waddles his stupid fucking turkey face over to me and gets all puffy.  That's when I thought "I could snatch this fucker up, break its neck and toss it in the yard for when I get back." But that was no good because I had to leave right then! Then I was thinking of putting it in my trunk and taking it to grandma's after picking up Lil Fella, but I know your mom has to work later and won't have time fo' dat. So I tell the turkey he's fucking lucky I'm late or else he'd be in the freezer.  I guess to a turkey that means "Hey, go stand in front of my car." So as I am starting my car and putting it in gear his stupid fucking face is looking at me and making some stupid fucking turkey noise from the front of my car. Anyway, to make a long story short, I failed at getting Thanksgiving dinner again.

Me: Honey, you're crazy.

Deskchairs

Husband: So there were two chairs that I really liked at Office Max. My favorite was the one I didn't buy because it was cloth and I figured it would attract the hell out of pet fur.

Me: Yeah probably.

Husband: Also, with the leather chair, if I shart, I can just get some baby wipes and wipe that shit up!

Dishwashers

Husband: Ok, so I think this is the dishwasher we're going to get. Almost every reviewer has said it's the greatest appliance they've ever owned. So, no one has come out and said it, but I think it must have a hidden sex hole. I mean, it's a dishwasher and they're talking about it like it's jesus, so it MUST have a hidden sex hole. Or at least a "pleasure me" button.

Petco

Husband: Ok, I'm going to Petco to get some new filters for the fish tank.

Me: Don't come home with any more cat or dog toys. They have enough.

Husband: Pumpkin says he would like a gerbil.

Proud Mary

Me (to the cat): Kazi! Quit fucking with my spinning wheel!

Husband (as Kazi): "Big wheel keep on spinnin'"

Husband (to Kazi): Is that what you're doing Kazi? Singing "Proud Mary"?

Husband (as Kazi): Don't you judge me! I'm black, it's my heritage!

My Minion

Me: I'm irrationally angry at my minion. She's listening to the radio on her side of the lab (the real radio) but she's got it cranked louder than mine and she keeps leaving the lab to go run the tests she's doing for Bossman over in the QC lab. She's gone for at least 15 minutes each time and meanwhile I have to listen to people talk talk talk annoyingly and I want to crank my Pandora to compensate but I don't want to make Surly IT Man across the hall mad because then he'll develop a sudden need to ban internet radio.

Husband: So ask her to turn it down a little.

Me: Well, I'm not really her boss though. Bossman is, and I don't want to be a bitch.

Husband: Well you could go over there when she is gone and cut the cord.  When she comes back say in a panic "Holy shit!!  Fucking NINJAS attacked and tried to steal our formulas!  Luckily I defended the lab, but in a last ditch effort they tried to destroy our equipment.  I'm sorry, but I think they did some damage to your area.  I've called in some of my friends from a rival clan to track them down, but sadly we suffered a great loss."  Then just turn and walk away.

Lil Bunny Foo Foo

Husband: Ok, I think we need to pull Lil' Fella from that school!

Those mother.....  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TEACHING HER?!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: What? School stuff? Letters, numbers, how to not have social anxiety disorder?

Husband: Little bunny Foo Foo was hopping through the forest, picking up field mice and "TICKLING THEM ON THE RIBS"!!!   ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!?

Me: LOL OK not pulling her from school.

Husband: Field mice don't get tickled on the GD ribs!  They get bopped on the GD head! In fact, bop the shit out of that little fuckers head!!!!! FFS!  They are robbing her of her childhood violence!

Me: Yes, because she needs to like dead bodies MORE than she already does.

Chicco thinks of everything!

So I got a great deal on a new Chicco Cortina travel system for #2 at Target's Labor Day sale. I hated Lil Fella's stroller with a passion because Graco did not design the Metrolite for 6 foot tall parents. So the new stroller came today and after I got it all assembled I was showing Husband that I could power walk behind it without kicking the bottom.

Husband: Does it have a hobbit setting for me?

Me: Yep, exhibit A.

Husband: What's that thingy on the handle?

Me: That's the accessory tray, for a drink and what not.

Husband: It's got a beer holder?! Sweet!

Me: Yeah, sure.

Husband: Hey look! It's even got an ash tray! A beer holder AND an ashtray! You're right honey. This is the perfect stroller!

Music

I was playing Kasey Musgraves album in the office while Lil Fella was still eating dinner

Husband: What the hell is this? Who said you could listen to this?

Me: Umm, I did... it's my office too jerknuts

Lil Fella walks in with her hands over her ears

Husband: Yeah! This is NOT pretty music is it Lil Fella?!

Lil Fella: No, it is! But it's too loud!!

Husband: Ugh. If this is too loud, you're too old.

Earrings

Lil Fella: Grandma said she can fix my earring.

Me: Well probably not, it doesn't have a flat back to glue the flower on, it's just a post, so it will wiggle too much and break again.

Husband: Yeah honey, Daddy used to have one like that.

Lil Fella: YOU HAD BLUE FLOWER EARRINGS?!

Weeding

Husband: Cheerios give me gas.

Me: Omg, they do not. EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET DOES NOT GIVE YOU GAS, IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!

Husband: They do! Because they've got holes in them!

Me: What the hell do you think chewing your food is for?! Jesus, I think that's the dumbest thing you've ever said!

Husband: No! They do! And it's not the dumbest thing I've ever said! You want to know the dumbest thing I've ever said?!

Me: Absolutely.

Husband: This morning, I went out to get in the car and that thistle that was by the door didn't spike me and my first thought was "Who stopped by and weeded?" So I don't know if someone stopped by last night and did some stealth weeding, or if you weeded days ago and I didn't notice until this morning.

Me: No, Cheerios giving you gas because there's a hole in the middle is dumber.

More Effort

Me: I put Lil Fella's school calendar right here on the fridge so you can know at a glance the days she has off and the days that there is stuff we have to do.

Husband: We're not doing any of that extra stuff.

Me: Yes we are, I told you, we're going to make a concerted effort to stop being the antisocial assholes of her school.

Husband: I never agreed to that. I'm perfectly happy being an antisocial asshole!

Texting

Husband: Oh my god, I am so glad I checked that before hitting send.

Me: Hm?

Husband: I was sending BFF a text and before I sent it I double checked and I was actually sending it to our neighbor.

I'm pretty sure she would be offend if I called her "Fuckface", "Fatass" or told her to eat a bag of dicks.

Me: Yeah... probably.

Iron Chef America

Husband: You know, I'm tired of this sissy culinary curveball shit. Like skewers. I mean come on. If they're going to have this culinary curveball, make it something awesome. Like "Hide some razor blades in it!" or cyanide. Make it worth my time!

Money Woes

Husband: I'm thinking your brother and I should go donate sperm so we can buy booze.  Good idea or bad idea?

Me: Go for it.

Husband: Well, I just realized that our bro-lo is going to be here and he's never had Cleveland whisky. He needs to try some.

Me: Has the VA sent you your "Sorry for fucking up your life!" money yet?

Husband: No, and I need that money for reasons. Anyway, I don't know where a sperm bank is, and I'm pretty sure I'd be arrested for going door to door trying to sell it.  No soliciting laws and what not....  I guess that idea is out.

Sports

Husband: (talking to his computer) Now see, that's a matter of opinion. You can't call David Beckham the greatest athlete in the world when all he plays is stupid soccer.

Hell, I could be the greatest athlete in the world if masturbation was considered a sport!

Zero Dark Thirty: Tickling Version

Husband and I were laying in bed when Lil Fella came in to snuggle.

Me: Why is there crayon on your lip?

Lil Fella: I don't know!

Me: Were you eating crayons?

Lil Fella: No! I promise!

Husband: Let's tickleboard her!

Lil Fella: (High pitched shriek) No! I WASN'T EATING CRAYONS! I SWEAR!!!!!

Husband: Looks like she needs more tickling! Where is Osama bin Laden?! Who is Abu Ahmed?! 

Lil Fella: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE! I DIDN'T EAT ANY CRAYONS!

Husband: When you lie to us, we tickle you! 

Lil Fella: I'm not lying! I promise!

Husband: You'll break, Lil Fella, every one breaks eventually.

Beer

Lil Fella: What are you doing, Daddy?

Oh you're getting a beer?

Oh you're getting ANOTHER beer?

Do you really need three beers?

Husband: What are you? My wife?

Mr. Scruffles

My sister and brother-in-law are stationed in Germany and they adopted a cat named Mr. Scruffles while over there. He's a killer.

Me: I told her she should bring Mr. Scruffles here when they come visit next month so he can take care of our massive chipmunk population. She said no.

Husband: Well it would probably be stressful on the lil fella. Hey wait! Scruffles is a German cat, isn't he? When they move back here they're going to bring him and he's going to run out and hook up with some harlot American feral cat and then they're going to drop a bunch of anchor babies so he can stay! THIS CANNOT STAND!

Me: It's ok, Honey, Scruffles is neutered.

Star Wars

I was telling the Husband about my latest genius idea to make money, which is geared toward Star Wars fans.

Husband: You know, Star Wars is just Star Trek for people who get laid, right?

Yard work

Husband: I'm going to go out in the back and wack it around your bush.

Me: Ummmm

Husband: I mean... I'm going to go and cut down parts of the shrubbery with the weed wacker....

I swear I didn't do that on purpose.

A school assignment

Husband: So I have this assignment for my class. I have to create a job posting for my dream job and it has to be a legitimate, legal job. I'm having a really hard time with it because, as you know, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Me: But you don't have a dream job??

Husband: To be insanely wealthy?

Me: So.... "fuck bitches, get money?"

Husband: LOL, yeah but no. Then we'd have to get a divorce so I'd only fuck bitches and get half my money.

Me: Indeed.

On NuSkin

(Puts Nu Skin on his missing fingertip)

Husband: OH HOLY FUCK BALLS THAT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!

(Whines and cries for a few minutes)

You know, if we started putting that on Lil Fella every time she got an "owie" she'd stop asking for bandaids...

Me: mmhmm

Husband: Lil Fella do you need a bandaid? and she'd be like "NO! IT'S FINE!"  and I'd be like "But honey, you're arm's been amputated!"

Me: LOL, good idea honey.

About my brother

Husband: So your brother just sent me a message- "My bike is annoying me, it's making a clicking noise and I'm having a hard time tracking it down". My response to him- "I don't know man, do you have a card in your spokes?"

Me: LOL

Husband: I have no idea why he would come to me about it. 

Me: Because he's my brother. It's how he do.

Husband: It's like you coming to me and asking me how to take care of your vagina. I don't know- magic??

On Bleeding Out

Husband was getting dinner ready and I went to fetch Lil Fella from the neighbors. I walk in to Husband with a blood soaked towel wrapped around his finger.

Husband: Everything's fine! There's no problem here!

Me: Did you just cut the tip of your finger off on the mandoline?

Husband: Yes. That is exactly what I did.

Me: Jesus. Do you need stitches?

Husband: No, we ain't go no money fo dat!

Me: We have health insurance, honey. That's what it's for.

Husband: It's fine! If I need stitches, I'll just get drunk and do it myself!

Me: That sounds like a very poorly thought out plan of action.

Guest Post!

Tonight's post comes courtesy of my lil fella. Wednesday is family game night with Gaga and Grandma, we played a rousing round of Rook then it was time for Candyland. Lil fella ran upstairs to her toy room and gathered up the cards and the game board but forgot the player pieces.

Gaga: Where are the people?

Lil Fella: Oh! I forgot the little gingers! I'll be right back!

Disney Jr

Husband: I had to stop myself from writing Disney an angry email today.

Me: About what this time?

Husband: That damn song they play in between nearly every show- You can be... who you want to be! Be a on a pirate crew or .... something about royalty. I hate it! It's not true! If you're a pirate in real life, something has gone seriously wrong with your life that you're living in Somalia pillaging other boats.

Me: Yeah, it's not really meant to be taken literally honey...

Husband: And royalty?! No! No one just decides to be a princess, you're either born in to that shit or you take it through war. I don't think that's a very good lesson to be teaching our child! If you want to be a princess, start a war and take it!

On the PS4

Husband: So, do you think the PS4 will be better at math than the XBoxOne?

Me: (confused stare)

Husband: Well, it looks just like the XBoxOne, except it's slightly slanted.

Me: OMG, you're terrible!

6.10.13

Husband and I were discussing my shitty week at work due to immature, irritating people who can't communicate effectively

Me: When she's ready to apologize for calling me a liar, then we can kiss and make up, until then all I want is "Yes, it's approved" or "No, fix this."

Husband: Yeah.

*pause*

Is she hot?

Me: No, she's old enough to be my mom.

Husband: Well, you're only allowed to do lesbian stuff if A) I get to watch or 2) She's hot.

Special Agent Ozo

Husband: OMG! I just saw an Ozo I've never seen before!

Me: Lol, it happens every once in awhile

Husband: And it had Handy Manny and his tools in it!

Me: Ok, you better get to the bookstore if you're going so we can go on our bike ride tonight.

Husband: WTF!  THe world is tossed into chaos.... CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't understand honey.  Handy Manny AND Ozo in the same show!  There won't be a bike ride tonight!  The mouse is taking over the world! He gave order 66!   IT HAS BEGUN!

Me: OMG honey, you've lost it.

Husband: Maybe.

Paper towels

Husband: Ok jerk, if you see a paper towel on my desk or trash that is stiff IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!!!!!!! Lil Fella left her glue out and open all night so I had to fix it! THAT'S ALL!

Me: LOL, ok honey.

Husband: I just know how you like to judge me like I'm some kind of self sexual predator or something.

These things happen. ALL THE TIME.

Me: JTFC jerk, did you fall asleep watching porn again?

Husband: *Sndegfohi* NO!

Me: Then why are you sleeping in your chair at 5AM with porn music playing?!

Husband: I fell asleep playing Trivial Pursuit on Xbox- WITH MYSELF! DON'T YOU FUCKING JUDGE ME!!

Me: Oh, I'm judging you. A LOT.

About my Mom

Husband: I tried to call your mom to see if she can watch Lil Fella tomorrow while I run up to school and work everything out for the summer semester but she didn't answer.

Me: Yeah, I'm sure she was outside.

Husband: I don't even know why I bothered, it's way too nice of a day for your mom to be inside.

Me: Well, unless she's still feeling sick.

Husband: No. Even if her innards were literally falling out, she would duct tape them back in and get back to work.

Me: Yeah... that's probably true, where do you think I get it from?

On HIS Underwear

Husband: So I was looking at getting some new underwear and I think I found the most amazing underwear ever of all time.

First off, I love how I'm looking at fatty underwear and the model in the picture is all ripped and I'm like "YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I LOOK LIKE!"

So anyway I found these underwear and they're black with yellow trim and a batman logo, but wait, they have a cape in the back. I don't think they're meant to be worn under clothes.

Me: LOL, probably not.

Husband: It's ok thought, you have sexy time underwear so if I get these they can be my sexy time underwear. I'll come running in to the room in nothing but these underwear signing DA NA NA NA NA NA NA..... BATMAN!!!

Eh? Eh? Doing anything for you?!?

Lil' Fella's Hair

Lil Fella: In the movie Mulan, she cut her own hair and didn't even get in trouble for it!

Husband:
Ok-

1. She was older than you so she can do that and
B. That was freaking China! This is Merica!

If you were in China you'd be putting those little hands to use making shoes right now so unless you want to make Daddy a new pair of Jordans, I would count your blessings and NOT CUT YOUR DAMN HAIR AGAIN!

Lil' Fella and Sharpies

Husband: So, I'm in the office doing shit and Lil Fella asks if she can go outside. I said sure so she went. A few min go by and I walk in to turn off the TV. That's when I see 2 Sharpie markers on the floor and one is open. I get her back in here to ask her WTF and she said she needed them to make a card. She got up on the counter and got them for the card. She said she knows she shouldn't use them, but doesn't know why.

Me: Did it get on anything?

Husband: Not that I can see.

Me: Well there's that at least. Tell her Mommy is pissed and that she is ONLY allowed to use the multitudes of writing utensils in her art roll or I'm taking away the art roll.

Husband: Can I stab her in the eye with a Sharpie? That way when she thinks "Hey it would be a good idea too.... oh no, wait. That's how I lost my eye"

About his T-Rex arms

When our freezer has a few too many things in it, the stuff in the top basket catches on the light and winds up falling down behind the baskets. Last night, Husband was struggling to retrieve a pizza and a cool whip container and called me to help.

Husband: I rescued the suicidal pizza but I can't reach that damn cool-whip. Can you get it?

Me: Ugh, sure. There you go.

Husband: It's not my fault, I've got tiny T-Rex arms!

Me: Well, why don't you work on growing some longer arms already?!

Husband: I've BEEN working on it. I started with my wang and that hasn't grown yet. Once I get that to work, I'll start on my arms and legs. It's all about setting priorities, honey.

On poppies

Husband: You planted these things just to torture me didn't you.

Me: What things? Oh, the poppies? No they were here when we moved in. What's wrong with them?

Husband: Well, I just want you to be careful. Poppies hide cobras.

Me: LOL, this is Ohio honey, we don't have cobras.

Husband: Except in poppies.

Me: Ok, I'll be careful.

Husband: 100% of the cobras I've seen in the wild are hiding in poppies. Just keep that in mind.

On whacking

Husband: So I almost wore a white tshirt to go whack it but then I realized that

1. It will get grass on it and drive me crazy
2. In about 2 minutes I'll have sweated so much that it will be transparent and I'll be whackin it in the front yard in a white tshirt contest yelling "LOOK AT MY TITTIES" to the cars driving by.

On ticks

This evening I pulled a tick off Lil Fella. Summer has officially begun.

Me: Where are my tweezers? I need to get a tick off Lil Fella.

Husband: OH GOD! Do you want to check me for ticks?!

Me: Calm down honey, it's just a damn tick.

2 hours later

Husband: I came to the realization while I was in the shower that I really need to lose some weight.

Me: mmm... why's that?

Husband: Because, being a man of my size, it's just dangerous checking myself for ticks!

Me: LOL, why?

Husband: Running into shower doors, smacking your head on sinks... the bathroom is a very dangerous place for a fat man.

On his new gloves

I bought Husband some new gloves with rubberized palms so he can help me pull out the thistles that grow rampant in my flower beds...

Me: Hey I got you some new gloves

Husband: Oooo tell me the pink flowery ones are mine!

Me: No, those are for me- here, yours are black and manly.

Husband: Ooo with a rubberized grip and everything. These will sound AWESOME when I smack your ass!
*SMACK* Yeah, you like that?

Me: You are so weird. You know this is going on the blog, right?

Husband: *SMACK* You know you love it.

On OPSEC

Husband: I can't find my Scrabble app on FB.

Me: Did you block it?

Husband: No, I don't think so... wait there it is. WTF! Use of the Scrabble app has been restricted!

Me: Hmm, must be by your company.

Husband: Well now I don't feel bad for what I did to them yesterday.

Me: Oh no. What did you do now?

Husband: Well there was a big sandstorm coming and everyone ran out to look at it (like they've never seen one before)- and, as you know, I am a STRONG enforcer of OPSEC.

Me: LOL sure...

Husband: So I went to all their computers that were left unlocked and either googled "blue waffle" and clicked on the image.... OR I went to www.meatspin.com.

Me: Ugh! Gross!

Husband: Well meatspin is not so gross and more loving. I sent all the Jesus freaks who hate the gays to meatspin. They should learn to not leave their shit unlocked.

Me: Is this why sometimes your FB status says that you're gay and love the cock?

Random thoughts

Husband: So how did you get deep fried by that shitty ball of light in the sky?

Me: Hoeing

Husband: Lol, well honey try not to be such a hoe sometimes and you won't get burned.

Me: Well I had to hoe over the whole garden expansion. It was a lot.

Husband: Lol, you're such a hoe.

Oh, I found another tree I want to buy. A fruit salad tree (yes it's a real thing)

Me: Those are just grafted branches, there's nothing all that special about them.

Husband: SONOFABITCH! THE INTERNETS LIED TO ME?!

On Lil Fella's School

Husband: So how was the visit to the preschool? I thought we were going to send her to.... monastery school.

Me: LOL Montessori school honey! Yes, that's the school I went to visit, it was lovely

P.S. it's like 4700.00 a year

Husband: HOLY FUCK ASS!!! Are you sure you don't want to send her to be a nun??

Me: Well if you break it down in to hourly pay it's only like 8.50 an hour, which is less than I paid a babysitter to watch her when I started back to work (10.00) and she wasn't even learning anything then...

Husband: Well it'll be ok for now, I'm just worried about money down the line when I'm not making hazard pay.

So maybe I'll be OK with you stripping for extra money as long as it's NO MORE than topless.

No wait- swimsuit.

To the cat

Husband: Kazi seems to think me saying "Fuck your face" means to meow at me.  No matter how many times I tell him, he just meows at me.  The louder I say it the louder he meows. Maybe his "Meow" means  "NO SIR!  You fuck your own face!"

Me: Maybe you should take feline language classes from Amy from Kitchen Nightmares. She speaks feline "Meow, meow, meow!"

On our next spawn

Husband: I have a great idea for a shirt our next kid, or whatever you call that sock thing you stick them in.

Me: A onesie?

Husband: Yeah that. So the shirt would have a big ass blue ribbon on it. On the ribbon it would have a 1st place thing on it. The ribbon would read "Congratulations!! 1st place in fastest sperm contest 2013"

Me: LOL, I'm sure I could make that work. 

On extending his deployment

Husband: If you have a few minutes, I need to talk to you about something...

Me: Oh FFS, this isn't about extending again is it?

Husband: Oh hell no. My answer to that was FUCK YOUR FACE if you think I'm staying out here 1 DAY longer than my time to GTFO!

Ok, so seriously, when I politely told my boss: "Thanks but I really can't extend" they said "Well we won't be able to get you that 1st class ticket home then."

Me: Um, ok?

Husband: I laughed because I didn't expect them to do it then told him "It's cool man". When he tried to press me extending I told him "NO MEANS NO"\

Some people just don't understand.

Oh and somewhere in that conversation I may have said something like "I'll make sure I eat a bunch of pineapple every day so when you blow me it will taste better in the end"

On home improvements

Husband: So I've been thinking about stuff I want to make for the house.

I want to build a picnic style table. The 3rd or 4th board up from you would be removed. In it's place would be a long rectangle bucket type contraption. Either made from hand to fit or like one of those plastic window planter type things. That way say you have drinks or something. A bottle of wine perhaps. You can fill this bucket thing with ice and keep what ever you want to set in there chilled. Lol it looks better when I draw it out.

Me: Sure, sounds doable.

Husband: Lol, oh and maybe a 5 foot tall rusted metal chicken!

Me: LOL! Yes! AT LEAST IT WASN'T TOWELS!!

Husband: LOL I was going to to buy you those towels on Amazon last week. I was going to do it as a "hey I love you and wanted you to know I was thinking of you" thing. Then the TV thing came up and I didn't do it.
So as soon as I started reading that blog I started laughing.

Me: Just keep in mind honey, 15 years is big metal chickens!

Husband: Lol, what's two years? Or is it three? I'm a bad husband.

Me: Two, and I think it's cotton or some shit- so those towels will be perfect! 

This post might make more sense if you read my favorite blogger, The Bloggess' post on Beyonce the giant metal chicken.

On BPLv6

While Husband was in the afghanistans and such, he asked me to create a lotion that would dry to a powder to keep his balls from getting sweaty. After a few versions that weren't dry enough Ball Powder Lotion v6 was born. This happened just after he received it.

Husband: I got the new BPL today, which is awesome because I ran out of the other one a few days ago! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! I just put some on my hands! THIS SHIT IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

Sooooo not only are the guys here IN-FUCKING-SANE about BPLv6, but a lot of them want to invest!! a few are asking how they can get some and how much is it. I told them I'd ask you, but I'm saying this is a HUGE hit out here. LOL a few of the guys are going for a jog right now to see what happens....

90% of the testicles in this hangar have your BPL on them!

Me: LOL! Well I'm glad you like it!

Husband: No you don't understand. I've got guys who want to invest!

Me: Too bad the things I invent belong to my employer, not me...

On Mother's Day

So the Husband has been home from the Afghanistans and such for almost a year now, and he's been the at home parent since he's been back in school. Today:

Husband: So it took awhile but I finally understand Mother's Day.

Me: Oh do you?

Husband: Yeah, it's not about saying thanks for going through 9 months of pregnancy and labor and delivery and all that bullshit. It's really about saying thanks for not committing infanticide and eating me like a hamster baby.

Me: Good call.

On my hands

Me: I'm going to make an appointment to see a doctor about my hands. It's been like 3 weeks and my knuckles are still all swollen and really painful and my grip strength is really low.

Husband: Well what do you think is wrong with them?

Me: I don't know, I'm only 29, I'm too young for arthritis, and it's not like the gout flares I've had. I just want to make sure it's not something serious so I don't end up with deformed claw hands.

Husband: Ok, but if you end up with claw hands can I wrap them around my junk like a baseball mitt every night?

In his class notes

So today I saw Husbands notes for his psychology class. Apparently he says just as much random shit to himself in the middle of taking notes as he says out loud.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

And finally- exhibit C:

Somehow... I don't think open note will be as much benefit as he seems to...

To my alarm clock

I have a Clocky. It's a demonic alarm clock on wheels that sounds like a possessed R2D2 and runs away from you in a random pattern so you have to get out of bed and find it to make the bleeding in your brain stop. Apparently I have a problem with sleeping like the dead through a normal alarm clock for an hour. So anyway, this morning I accidentally hit snooze instead of off on Clocky and got up to get ready. Well Clocky went off again after 9 minutes and I didn't notice....

Husband: GAH! SHUT UP! YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!

(found and made Clocky shut up)

9 minutes later I heard Clocky going off so I went to find it...

Husband: KILLIT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!

Me: Sorry honey, I've got it.

Husband: That fucking alarm clock is evil.

P.S. Last week, it ran away all the way under the bed and I couldn't get it and I was damn near in tears because of that alarm clock. It is fucking evil. 

But it wakes me up.

On Swimming

Husband: So the guys and I are going to rent a boat to go out on Lake Erie. I looked in to a boating license and it's like 30 bucks and it's all online. So I'll stop bugging you about a boat.

Me: Ok but before you go, I want you to prove that you can swim.

Husband: Honey, I'm part manatee, you've seen me naked!

Me: LOL, I'm not joking here.

Husband: I can swim. Remember, I had a big brother who tried to kill me all the time.

Me: You've said that many times but I've never seen you swim. Ever.

Husband: Because I don't like to. I can also chug a bottle of liquor but I don't see the point. I'm pretty sure you've never seen me do that either.

Me: Well I need to see you swim at least a couple of laps or I'm going to rent my own boat and follow you in case you fall off and drown.

Husband: How long is a lap?

Me: 25m or 50m depending on the pool.

Husband: Umm that's a long way to doggie paddle.. does floating count?

JUST KIDDING! GEEZ! What do I get out of this?

Me: A BOATING LICENSE!!

On my knick knacks

Husband: I was looking at getting you one of those wood cases that have windows and you store crap in them. Like a Hubbel collection or something.

Me: Hummels. It's called a curio cabinet.

Husband: Whatever they are. Those stupid little figures that cost WAY too much. Old people like them though.

Me: And my mom

Husband: Ummmm I wasn't calling your mom old....

Me: mmmhmmm, I'll let her know.

Husband: YOU WILL NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

On his goatee

Husband shaved off the soul patch portion of his facial hair this weekend, leaving just the bit on his chin.

Me: Ok, so it's been a few days and I don't like it. It kind of looks like you're going for the Amish look but you shaved the sides. It's an Amish goatee. You need to either grow it back or shave it all off.

Husband: No way in hell am I going to shave it off. I look terrible without facial hair. I look like the world's ugliest lesbian. I LOOK LIKE ROSIE O'DONNELL!

Me: I don't know, I think you would look fine. Younger for sure. 

Husband: No, it's horrible. 

Me: I'll fix it for you in your sleep.

Husband: If you shave me in my sleep, I'm shaving your head in yours. 

Me: If you value your penis you will not do that.

Husband: FINE! No one's getting shaved!

Me: FINE!

Husband: So what if I shaved my head? And grew a full long beard?

Me: You're really trying to play up this cradle robbing aspect of our relationship aren't you?

More antics at work

Husband: So I got a talking to after work today.

Me: About what?

Husband: I was asked to be more polite to my fellow workers. With the stress of the job and being deployed they don't need to also deal with extra stress of me "talking down to them". So I told that boss to either stop hiring retards that can't learn a simple job I can teach my 3 year old to do (VERY well I might add) or train them better so I don't have to correct them constantly.

Me: Did someone complain? I thought you guys were all assholes.

Husband: No, no one complained. He just overheard me telling someone they should go play on the runway when a big plane is landing so they can end it all because they are too retarded to live life another day.

Me: Um, that might be a little harsh honey.

Husband: Then I told the same guy I wanted to call his mom and tell her she made the wrong choice when she was ..... yeah you wouldn't like what I said.

Me: Yeah, you might want to lay off a bit. There's constructive criticism and then there's saying shit just to hurt someone's feelings. 

Husband: Maybe that guy should learn his freaking job and not have me correct the SAME GD issue more than once a day!

It's ok. I know how to treat him when he does well. I'm very kind. I pat him on his head, give him a treat and say "who's a good boy... that's right you're a good boy!" That's far past the amount of care I should put into these guys, but hey I want to make them feel better about themselves.

Me: Aren't there other options besides belittling him? Like writing him up or reporting serious training deficiencies to your supervisors?

Husband: Oh I have to belittle him. I have to do it to everyone. Do you know what you turn into if you have a huge ego at this job??

ME!

On May holidays

Me: I got cards for your mom and my mom today.

Husband: For what?

Me: Really honey? What holiday is coming up next?

Husband: Well yesterday was May the Fourth... today is Cinqo De Mayo... tomorrow is Revenge of the Sixth...

Me: For moms!

Husband: Well it is national masturbation month but I didn't think you sent cards for that.

Me: You sir, are absurd.

Husband: Is Memorial Day next or is it Labor Day.

Me: Mother's Day you tool!

Husband: No really, which is next Memorial Day or Labor Day? I always get them confused and I never know when I can wear my white pants.

On Crapistan

Husband: Hey, when I get home can we start only flushing the toilet once a day? Oh, and can we scheduled daily cleanings where no one really cleans it, just sits in it for an hour bull shitting while I'm outside about to poop my pants? I don't want to end up missing this place too bad.

On May 4th

Me: Are you going to wake your ass up and help me with the yard?

Husband: It's a holiday today!

Me: What holiday?

Husband: May the fourth, of course!

Me: Oh FFS, that's not a real holiday, we've got shit to do.

Husband: LOOK AT MY DOG TAGS! MY RELIGION IS CLEARLY STATED AS "JEDI KNIGHT"! So today is a holiday for my religion.

Me: And when was the last time you attended services?

Husband: Well the next time I'm in Australia or the UK, I'll be sure to go.

Me: But we were in Scotland on our honeymoon and you did not express a desire to go to the church of the Jedi order.... CHECKMATE! ATHEIST!

On planning the yard

Husband: So are you planting anything in our yard this year?

Me: Yeah, some trees, some berry bushes, maybe some flowers. Probably a shrubbery or two.

Husband: A SHRUBBERY!
You should plant one of those trees that sucks up all the water.

Me: A weeping willow? I'd like to but I'm not sure where to put it, they get large.

Husband: Ooo, if we planted one of those we could use the branches to beat the kids with! You know, when they're bad. Not just to beat them.

Me: Where do you come up with this shit?!

At work

Me: So BossLady left and I had a sudden personality change- now I'm aggressive.

Husband: So a month ago you were a superstar and now you suck?

Me: Pretty much yeah, I'm hoping Bossman is just getting used to being a manager and it will be better soon.

Husband: Maybe, but if you want to or have the time find out what he likes to do. Hell see if he likes to fish. Not just for me, but I've found the more you get to know your boss the more shit they let not bother them.
Like me taking my pants off yesterday. Normal people would get fired. Me..... I get "Mac pull em up unless you lave a license to sell hot dogs!"

I'm not saying do the shit I do at work... GOD PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!!!

Me: Why on earth did you take your pants off at work??

Husband: Because it was 95!!! To be fair they weren't all the way off, just a little past my knees.

Me: Oh honey...

Husband: Don't "oh honey" me! That's the tamer side of the shit I pull. A few hours before the "shorts" issue we sat down to brief. His hand was cold from holding an ice pack and he put it on my knee and was all like "Is that cold?" So I took the hint and asked him if he was hitting on me because if he was my wife said if it was another dude it was fine. Then when he was all shocked and weirded out I said "Come on bro, let me finger blast that B hole" 

Me: OMG honey what is wrong with you??

Husband: Gross I know, but I don't like people touching me and that way is better than yelling to not touch me. Because then every one has to touch me to fuck with me. School yard rules honey, show no weakness!!

Lol so yeah, don't do the shit I do at work.

On margarine

Husband: Bitches be trippin! I just got into a huge argument because not only did someone post on Facebook about the dangers of margarine, but then they threw out all the butter packets in the fridge because it's written in German and it may or may not be butter. I tried like hell to explain that margarine is against the food laws in Germany so it is clearly butter. Then they hit me with the awesome statement "Margarine is ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC!!" I fucking lost it. Lol I hope you're happy. You did this to me.

Me: Well you're the one who married the chemist. Love you too :)

Husband: Go to hell science! I'm turning to Jesus because then I can just answer every question with "Because God said so!"

Me: Let me know how that works out for you.

On his Mom's lotto addiction

Husband: So... I just found out one of the three winning Powerball tickets was sold in Maryland and now I'm wondering how hokey Mom's lotto picking program is. If she won I'm making her pay for Cedar Point this summer.

Me: Lol, I didn't even think about the winning ticket being sold in Maryland. I'm sure if she won she would have called.

Husband: If she knows. Hell, she's probably hiding out in the corner waiting for my shithead siblings to show up begging for money. Or she's out riding a twenty foot bear screaming "I WON BITCHES! I WON!"

Me: Lol, I'm sure that's it.

Husband: I just sent her an email telling her I heard one of the tickets was sold there and if she happened to win I have about 5K of camping/ fishing stuff on my Cabela's wishlist. You know, should a gift giving occasion pop up.

Me: So maybe she'll read it 5 months from now. :)

One week later...

Husband: So Mom didn't win the lotto. SHOCKER! I figured with her lucky chicken bones, voodoo doll and software on how to win, she'd win for sure! Oh well... maybe next time.

On housekeeping

Husband: One of the guys out here asked what I was going to do after I was home for like a month and you realize you don't really like me. I told him I'd probably get punched in the tiny rib a lot.

Me: I like you just fine. Your housekeeping skills on the other hand leave much to be desired.

Husband: I admit, my cleaning skills are pretty weak but you should help me out by telling me what to do.

Me: I guess I'll have to since apparently as a man you are completely incapable of realizing the house is a disaster.

Husband: That's so sexist! That doesn't mean it's not true though...

On a boat

Husband: Soooooo.... I want to get something that would be great for our family. Something AWESOME that we REALLLY NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!

Me: What?

Husband: Brace yourself.

A boat.

Me: No

Husband: But...

Me: No. BOAT is an acronym.
Bust
Out
Another
Thousand.

Husband: But my brother had a boat and he WAS broke all the time, but it was because he's a moron, not because of the boat.

Me: The best situation is to have a friend with a boat, then you can go fishing with them on their boat and not waste a "boatload" of money. So start making friends. With boats.

Husband: But every time we were on it we could sing "I'm on a boat!" I could autotune my voice and sing backup for you! Grow my hair out.... get some gold teeth.... OK FINE! YOU WIN THIS ROUND!

The next day

Husband: I told my bosses I might extend... for a boat. They said no.

On the secret internet

Husband: So is it bad that I'm using the military spec satellite imagery to look up good fishing spots close to home?

Me: Well I would assume if you got caught it would be....

Husband: Damn! There are some rich mofos in Avon Lake! Someone has a pool bigger than our house!


Three days later....

Husband: Hey did you know that there is a pond behind our house?!

Me: You mean the wetlands down the street?

Husband: No, there's a pond right behind the house!

Me: That's the neighbors pond, make friends with them when you get home and GET OFF THE TOP SECRET INTERNET!

Husband: I hope it's not a poo pond.

Two days after that...
Husband: So I've been trying to think of a way to meet the neighbors with the pond and ask them about the pond without them knowing I've been spying on it with gubmint equipment.

Me: You can see it from our back porch sweetie...

On his impending doom

Husband: So I'm probably going to die by the way. Just so you know.

Me: Oh really? Why is that?

Husband: I just ate half of a raw cheeseburger for breakfast. And a Dr Pepper 10.

Me: 1) Why did you eat a raw cheeseburger from the chow hall in Crapistan? B) You're probably not going to die.

Husband: I was hungry and it was all they had. The Dr Pepper 10 was good though.

Me: I would say #firstworldproblems but I'm pretty sure Crapistan is not considered "first world". If you start crapping yourself, go see the medic.

Husband: Yeah, and I'll show him my vagina while I'm there... men don't go to the doctor for food poisoning!

Ol' Beardy

Husband: Hey honey, I just emailed you some SEXY TIME pics of me to tide you over til I get home! :)

(This was the email):

Now come on honey, are you SURE you don't like the beard? I look like a fat Obi-Wan from Episodes 1-3.

You know it's getting you all worked up.

My reply:

I'm not going to say you should shave that off immediately... I'm just going to say it makes your head look like a pumpkin. Love you too

On my DIY skills

Husband: So I was bragging to some of my friends out here how you were replastering Lil Fella's room when one of the DBags I can't stand said "Tell her not to use joint compound, it's almost impossible to get smooth!" I wanted to give him a face punch.

Me: Lol

Husband: Instead I replied "Just because she doesn't have a penis doesn't mean she's retarded"

Me: I'm a damn genius. And more handy than most men I know.

Husband: Lol, then he looked down at the ground and mumbled something about how he had done that before.

Me: LOL

Husband: So I pulled out my cigarette and said "Reason #38 why I married my wife, she smarter than a rock"

On shopping for unmentionables

Husband: Do places like Victoria's Secret and Fredrick's of Hollywood just make shit up for women's sizes?
Me: What do you mean?
Husband: Well like stockings for instance, A, B, C or D.
Me: There's a chart- it's very complicated, based on height and weight.
Husband: It's a freaking leg! Do it in inches!
Me: I think the better question is; why are you shopping for stockings? Are you forgetting to tell me something? Like when you started cross dressing for instance?
Husband: LOL no honey. They don't make anything in gray or blue three button pullover.
Me: Well I'm relieved you're not suddenly wearing stockings under your pants.
Husband: I mean geez, how far out of my comfort zone do you expect me to step? I did see a nice four button polo shirt I liked but I thought the fourth button might make me look a little slutty.

On my unmentionables

Me: Today is a momentous occasion.
I
FOLDED
THE
LAUNDRY
Husband: Um ok?
Me: You know, the stack that has been on my dresser since you left 3 months ago? I know its been there that long because it had underwear in it that I only where when you're home.
Husband: LOL, wait- you have underwear you wear only for me?
Me: Well duh...
Husband: I guess that came out wrong YOU HAVE SEXY TIME PANTIES??
Me: Well since apparently you never noticed, I'm throwing them out.
Husband: I blame you.
Me: ME?
Husband: Yes ma'am totally your fault. By the time I got you down to your panties you could be wearing a bear suit and I doubt I'd notice.
Me: I'm never buying lingerie again then.

To Lil Fella

Lil Fella came up with this complicated story line today about vampires. Husband was hiding around a corner and scaring her followed by mass amounts of tickling until finally we turned her into a vampire. Then she decided that we were the kids and she was the Daddy Vampire

Husband: Who do you think you are making up stories like this? Anne Frank??

RICE! I MEANT ANN RICE!

Oh, I'm going to hell.

Me: Good thing we don't subscribe to that theory.

On Subarus

Husband: So what kind of loaner did they give you?
Me: A Subaru Forester
Husband: How do you like it?
Me: Meh, you know how I feel about SUVs.
Husband: Everyone I know that has a Subaru likes them. I just never liked the name. It's like a gay kangaroo. A gay kangaroo who is doing SUPER!
Me: Holy crap, you're a weirdo :)

On Scrabble again

Husband: Lol, I'm such a child.
Me: Why?
Husband: Well I have my word for Scrabble narrowed down to mica
or.........
cum.
Me: Oh honey :)
Husband: The fight in my head is "Mica is worth more points, but cum is much more AWESOME!!!!"
Me: LOL
Husband: Like I said, I'm a 12 year old boy.

On Lil Fella's clothing choice

Me: I was impressed with Lil Fella's clothing choices this morning, I mean yeah, I probably wouldn't have gone with red EVERYTHING but at least it matches, is appropriate for the weather and doesn't include her Blue Deuce shirt.

Husband: Yeah I can't pull that off.

Me: What picking your own clothes?

Husband No! Wearing all red! I mean, if I were to walk down the street wearing all red, people would be following me yelling "Hey, KoolAid!"

On my future sister wife

Husband: I think Kate wants an Asian sister wife

Husband's friend: Dude, you'd be lucky as hell, she could be the wife in charge of the budget and taxes since she'd be awesome at math and shit. 

Husband: That's racist as hell, Kate would only ask her to do her nails. 

Husband's friend: HOLY SHIT! I think I just peed myself! You're not serious are you?!

Husband: At home, Kate's in charge. If she wants a sister wife and won't cut my junk off when I knock both of them up I guess I'm fine with it.

Lol, I'm just fucking with you dude. 

*Disclaimer* I am not now, nor have I ever been looking for a sister wife. I read a lot of books about the FLDS and other polygamous cults and this leads to these types of discussions.

On his favorite sandals

Husband: Today is a very sad day that will not be soon forgotten. We all need to have a moment of silence as the world mourns the loss of my nipple shoes. They were great "Jap Slaps" and will probably never be truly replaced. Now I know you're very upset at this news and are probably yelling to the sky like I did "WHY GOD... why?!?!" Just remember I love you very much and I think we can make it through these hard times... Stay strong and if you need to talk I'll be here.

These were the "Nipple Shoes":

I hated them because they shed the little "massaging bumps" all over the floor all the time. Lil Fella was crawling when he first got them and I was constantly taking them away from her.

(This was an email he sent while he was in the 'stan)

On Star Wars

Husband: So your sister got me the Blu-ray Star Wars saga for Christmas. Now I can brainwash Lil Fella in HD and remastered 5.1 AWESOME sound!!
Me: Yeah but you already have them all on DVD.
Husband: I also have them all on VHS! I fail to see your point!
Me: And if a marathon came on TV you'd probably sit there all 12 hours and watch them all.
Husband: And.....?
Me: Why watch them on TV if you have them in every format available when there are commercials on TV?
Husband: Shhh, just let it happen...
Hey! Maybe Lil Fella and I can watch them on VHS and then on Blu-ray and play spot the differences!

On Distilling

Husband: Hey, do you have a pressure canner to can your vegetables with?

Because I was thinking we should get one.

So you can can stuff.

Not so I can turn it in to a still when you're not using it! GEEZ!

Me: Yes, I have a pressure canner.

On me

Me: You think my tractor's sexy, don't you.
Husband: Are you wearing that one black dress while you're driving it? Because then I'd think you were sexy ON the tractor.
Me: Ha! Please, I'm always sexy!
Husband: That's a true story most of the time. Except when you've been out working in the garden or something. Then I might have to downgrade you to "hot".
Me: Like sweating my non existent balls off hot? Because I'll give you that one.

On planning Lil Fella's future

Husband: Do you think 3 is old enough for her own Power Wheels?
Me: Maybe... if you don't pimp her ride.
Husband: I would never! Maybe just tweak a little.
Me: uh huh...
Husband: I would probably just upgrade the battery, not more power just a longer run time. But honestly, we've got to get her started soon so she can move up to Go Karts by 5 or 6 and NASCAR by 16.
Me: Gaga has her hooked on NASCAR already.
Husband: I know :(

On making cider

Husband: Is there anywhere I can get 100% pure apple squeezings? You know, without preservatives and whatnot?
Me: No they can't sell it without preservative, that shit is a haven for listeria. You know I have an apple orchard at Gaga's right?
Husband: Yeah but we don't have a press or anything. #9 on my list of shit I want to do while I'm home is make my own booze. Hard cider is supposedly easy to make.
Me: Well I was planning on getting a press. We're going to need one when all the baby trees I just planted start bearing fruit.
Husband: Well I could just buy a few bags of apples and a mallet. But I'll probably just sit and drink beer with your dad and brother and talk about doing all that stuff.
Me: If I were a betting woman, that's where I'd put my money.
Husband: There's probably an attachment for our tractor for that. I looked that shit up, you weren't kidding, they make a shitload of stuff for that!
I can see the conversation now, after like 8 beers:
      Your dad: You know, we have all that wood and machines, we could just make a press.
      Your brother: You can get one at Worchester's for like two grand.
      Me: Why don't I just go buy some hard cider?
Me: Lol, yeah you're probably right.

On Scrabble

Husband: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BATTIO IS NOT A WORD?!! It's like the back part of your patio!! It's like a patio for bats!!!
Me: So what did you really play?
Husband: Bat.
Me: Good one, honey.
Husband: SCRABBLE IS STUPID!

On being an extra

Husband: Damn! I wish I had known about the casting call for Captain America today!
Me: So you could go stand in the rain/sleet all morning to walk around the streets of Cleveland on camera?
Husband: I think I would make a damn good extra

And then I would get discovered.

And then we'd be rich.

And then all the Hollywood starlets would be trying to get with me.

And then Sandra Bullock would be all "I need you on top of me crushing me right now!"

And then I'd be all "No, I have a wife... oh wait! You're one of my three! Fuck yeah!"

Me: I never got to add a third after Heath Ledger died. That's bullshit.

On Daughters self inflicted hair cut

So this morning daughter fucked up her hair with scissors and gave herself stupid looking bangs. Observe:

Husband: I think we need to embrace her new hair cut.
Me: No, she looks stupid.
Husband: No we need to MOHAWK THAT SHIT! Two days of a fucked up mohawk and I guarantee she'll never touch scissors again.

On cropdusting former Presidents

Husband: So my flight got delayed because some crazy old man wanted to meet me and tell me how AWESOME I am!
Me: Um, ok?
Husband: You have no idea who that is, do you?
Me: No?
Husband: It's Jimmy Carter
Me: Oh, ok. So... your flight wasn't really delayed because he wanted to meet you.
Husband: No. And IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING he was making a strange face because about ten seconds before that picture was taken, I MAY HAVE let out some VERY bad gas.
Husband: So now I can check that off my bucket list. #3 Crop dust a president.

On this blog

Convo between Husband and my BFF

Husband: So I don't know if you heard, but Kate started a blog about the shit I say. I hear it's funny, but I don't see it.
BFF: Why not? It's funny and you sir, are hilarious! I love Kate's blogs!
Husband: Oh, when I first read that I thought you said "I love Kate's boobs" and I was gonna say ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BFF: She does have some nice knockers, thus why I'm friends with her :)

On remarriage

Me: I woke up with a nosebleed this morning. I'm pretty sure it's nostril cancer. I'm probably going to die, so you better get this single father thing down.
Husband: LOL OH no honey. If you die I'm going to remarry very quickly. But before you take it the wrong way, I'm going to marry a hot gay chick.
Me: Lame. I do not accept this. I expect a full year of formal mourning. Black every day. Followed by another 6 months of half mourning. Then maybe you can date.
Husband: Oh right, because you'd do that for me.
Me: I totally would!
Husband: Nope sorry, Tim already sold me on the idea of it.
Me: Well if Tim said it.... by all means.
Husband: He posted these funny ass pro gay videos. You should check them out. Anyway, if I die, I'm totally fine with you marrying a gay dude the next day. In fact, if I'm on my death bed, bring him in. I'd like to meet him.
Me: I wouldn't marry a gay dude, I probably wouldn't remarry at all. I'd become a crazy craft/ animal lady who makes sweaters out of her dogs fur.

On cheese sticks

Husband: OMG we have a HUGE problem!
Me: What?
Husband: We're all out of cheese sticks!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I hardly think that's a crisis.
Husband: I blame Obama and his anti-cheese stick communist agenda! We didn't have a cheese stick shortage 4 years ago!!!
Me: You didn't have a cheese stick addiction 4 years ago.
Husband: Well I did, but I was off fighting HIS war!
Me: mmmhmmm
Husband: My buddies and I didn't die face down in the muck so he could send our cheese sticks along with our jobs to other countries!!!
Me: Are you done?
Husband: Yeah I guess. So can you stop at the store on the way home and get me some cheese sticks? We're out.

On my wishlist

Me: I really want this floss organizer http://www.herrschners.com/product.aspx?sku=320004&sk=floss+flos+organizer+
Husband: Ummm ok, but why do you need to organize floss? I thought you couldn't even use floss with braces.
Me: EMBROIDERY floss, honey, not dental.

On License Plate renewal

Husband: Fuck. I just noticed something else I failed on.
Me: What?
Husband: Ok, but don't beat me. I just noticed I didn't renew my plates on my birthday.
Me: I did them months ago.
Husband: So I need to go take care of that.
Me: And I gave you the sticker.
Husband: Wait, what?
Me: I renewed the plates for your car in like October.
Husband: You did.
Me: I did.
Husband: Fuck. So the sticker is on my desk somewhere? Fuck.

On large size pants at Old Navy

Husband: Old Navy = POOP. Bunch of fascists!
Me: They're the only ones who make jeans long enough for me.
Husband: I used to like them because they fit me how I liked but you know what size they stop at? 34! Sometimes if you're lucky you can find a 36!
Me: Well they have women's sizes to 20, and the tall shop but it's only online. The long length available at the store is only a 34" inseam but the talls online are a 36" inseam. After allowing 1.5 inches for shrinkage, the talls are perfect for me.
Husband: Know what pant size I wore when we met? 36! Bunch of fat hatin', hipster, trendy ass clowns!
Me: Um, I just looked online and they have mens sizes to 48.
Husband: ..... FUCK THEM!

On the drop off line

Husband: VICTORY!!!!!!! I got that D-Bag mofo today!!!!!!!
Me: Who?
Husband: The most hated dad in Daughter's class
Me: Oh honey, what did you do?
Husband: Pulled his own move on him, having three car lengths between me and the next car. I just wanted to get out of my car and yell HA! IN YOUR FACE DOUCHEBAG!
Me: Did he even notice?
Husband: I'm sure he noticed when he had to park across the street until I moved up. The best part was as soon as he gave up and went across the street another parent pulled in and I moved up.
Me: Damn you're a dick.

On my hair

Husband: So I used your brush this morning because I didn't feel like digging my comb out. I think we need to talk about your massive hair loss.
Me: Lol, it's ok. I have plenty
Husband: It was a LOT of hair
Me: Trust me it's fine, I just haven't cleaned my brush out in like three weeks.
Husband: Well, if you go bald I won't leave you. BUT you may get a sister wife.
Me: Only if it's Vanessa.

On the night we met

Husband: I want you to spawn my army of darkness.
Me: Best pick up line- EVER!

On Mickey Mouse

Daughter: Daddy! I'm going to miss Mickey Mouse Clubhouse while we eat dinner!
Me: Daddy can pause it.
Husband: Yeah... how old is Mickey Mouse? 83! I don't know how I feel about an 83 year old inviting my daughter in to his clubhouse. It's a little creepy. I might have to email Disney about that.

On a new face serum I made

Me: So did you try the new serum I made?
Husband: Honestly, (and I'm not just saying this for a better chance at intercourse) I really liked it. I didn't like it in my face pubes at first but once it dried, I didn't even notice. Well I notice that my face feels clean much longer after my shower.
Me: So I should make more then?
Husband: I would actually buy that product, and you know how I feel about buying girly stuff to make me even more pretty.

Everybody Corn!

Husband: BTdubbs. If you ever want to see something funny, be there at the store when Daughter gets excited about corn and yells "EVERYBODY CORN!!!!" in the middle of the store. LOL The looks people give her, then you, are very funny.
Me: LOL
Husband: Lol, yeah- we probably got the odd looks because she wasn't the only one yelling it.

On Preschool Parents

Important note: Preschool handbook says to NOT send anything for the kids birthdays, save parties for home.

Husband: Daughters classmates' parents are assholes.

Me: Why?

Husband: I guess it was her birthday or some shit. Her parents sent a bunch of crap to school, like party hats and shit. 

Me: Dicks.

Husband: ONE of those things was one of those damn noisemakers that you blow in to. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? WHAT DO YOU THINK DAUGHTER WANTS TO DO NON STOP?

Me: Lol, of course.

Husband: I swear I want to send Daughter to school with a bunch of rape whistles for Easter or some shit. Fuckers. 

On spring break

Husband: WOOHOO!!! SPRING BREAK BITCHES!!!!!!! LOOK AT MY TITTIES!!!!!!!!! Ohhh cold rain, never mind bitches, maybe tomorrow.
Me: Hey, don't forget you need to call the body shop to get your mirror fixed.
Husband: Oh right, I do need to call them, thanks for the reminder. BUT FIRST! I must flash all the animals my titties and scream "SPRING BREAK BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

(I have no doubt he actually did this)

On our mouse problem

I planted my seeds for my garden in the basement this year instead of buying plants at the greenhouse. I didn't realize until I planted that our cellar had a few mice in it because they dug up and ate all my seeds. Husband bought me some traps and I set them up and waited for the carnage. The next morning:

Husband: I just went downstairs to switch my laundry over. Your mouse left you a note.
Me: In blood or peanut butter?
Husband: It said, Dear Human, Thanks for all the peanut butter, I love it. If you were trying to kill me, go fuck yourself.
Me: Bastard!
Husband: Oh no honey, you don't understand. All six traps were stripped clean and not even moved. I think you need to get me involved.

On cooking

Husband: So, if a recipe calls for half of a boneless skinless chicken breast, that just means one chicken titty right?

On Too Skinny Models

I posted a link to this article on my G+ page: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2042345/Gaunt-model-shocks-Gianfranco-Ferr-Milan-fashion-show.html in response to my brother's statement that nobody was too thin.

Me: Did you see my "Too Fucking Skinny" article I posted?
Husband: Yeah, it was really hard to jerk off to, but that lifeless look on her face really helped.
Me: You're horrible.
Husband: I bet her boobs look like balloons a year after they were inflated.
Me: Dude, she wasn't even the worst one. It's nasty out there in the model world.
Husband: NO WAY! Skinny = HOT, Super Skinny = SUPER HOT, Auschwitz= SEXY OVERLOAD!
Me: LOL
Husband: Hey sexy momma, I love the way your skin hangs off your coccyx like that!
Me: STOP!
Husband: They would make great dates for med students though.

On my yarn stash

Me: One of my friends posted this morning that she was out of yarn. I said that was impossible.
Husband: LOL, I think the last words I would ever hear you say are "I'm out of yarn"
Me: I know, right?
Husband: In fact, I should have made the officiant add that to our vows at our wedding. "I vow to love you more than my yarn". But I wouldn't want you to lie in front of god and everyone.
Me: It would be almost as absurd if you said "I'll never watch porn again"

Welcome to the shit my husband says!

My husband is a funny guy. It's a good part of the reason we've stuck together through some pretty challenging times including a surprise baby and like three years apart while he was in the middle east. Well and we're both stubborn fucks. So anyway, he doesn't always MEAN to be funny, but he says something to crack me up at least once a day. If he wasn't funny enough on his own, the combination of him and our 4 year old daughter is unstoppable.

Here is some of the shit he has said in the past:

Disney Jr channel plays this short song by Choo Choo Soul about how vegetables give you superpowers and Husband HATES it- probably because it comes on all the time. Anyway, it came on while he was cooking dinner last night and he just yelled "God damn it! Vegetables do not give me superpowers! They give me gas!"

Husband to my dad: Hey, I need to come borrow the ladder. For SOME REASON, Kate has decided we NEED to take down the Christmas decorations today.
Me: Yeah, maybe because it's APRIL.

Husband: We really need some tongs, I'm tired of trying to turn food with a spatula.
Me: Well, you have tongs for your grill.
Husband: No! Those are the worst tongs ever of all time!
Me: Tough shit.
Husband: *Breaks into song (to the tune of the Thong Song)* TONGS, TONGS TONGS TONGS TONGS!


I was telling Husband about an issue I'm was having at work getting helpful information out of the "Creative Dept" to make the products look like what they want to look like. 
Me: So they told me that the glosses didn't look "prestigy" enough. So I was like "WTF does prestigy mean?" "Fucking artists."
Husband: Ok don't get pissed, but when you said "they didn't look "prestigy" enough" I was thinking a deeper more vibrant color maybe with just enough sparkle (like off of gold or diamonds) to make it pop out at you to slap you in the face saying "hey mo-fo, I'm here and worth it"
Me: I repeat- fucking artists.

Daughter was building molecules out of my molecular modeling kit
Husband: Aww, look honey, you made a doggy!
Daughter: That's not a doggy Daddy! That's propane!

There is more but that's all I have time for now. Stay tuned.